I was going to try and write something profound about writing today, but time got away from me so I'll post an excerpt from my novel, "The Pizza Diaries".
From THE PIZZA DIARIES
Delivery to the Devil
The Dark Priest walked onto the Alter and approached the pentagram shaped offering table. He stood above the motionless body strapped there and nodded to the four naked “Daughters of the Dark Lord” that stood in position by the other four points of the star.
The candles held by the Daughters lighted the body, a red candle in each of their right hands, a black candle in their left.
The Dark Priest smiled that the ritual was going as planned after the delays and started to perform the rites that he had memorized.
“Before the Almighty and ineffable God Satan/Lucifer and in the presence of all Demons of Hell, We ask Thee to accept our offering of this soul’s-“
His rite was interrupted by the sound of the doorbell.
“Who the hell is that?” He screamed to the gathered congregation.
“Sorry,” Bob stood up and addressed the Dark Priest, “I was put in charge of refreshments and my wife had to go out of town for her sister’s wedding, so I thought it would be easiest to order pizza.”
“You ordered pizza? To be delivered during our Black Sacrifice?” The Dark Priest asked.
“I thought we were going to start earlier,” Bob defended himself, “I figured Sacrifice, then Pizza, then the Blood Orgy.”
The Dark Priest sighed and was about to unleash his fury on Bob when the doorbell rang again. “Well go answer it. Get the pizzas so we can get on with it.”
As Bob left the basement the Dark Priest shook his head in disbelief.
“Well, he’s your son.” The lead Daughter of the Dark Lord told him.
“Why is it whenever he messes up, he is my son.” The Dark Priest replied, “But he’s your son when he does something right.”
“That’s how it works, Mike.” She smiled.
The Dark Priest knew better than to argue with her when she was naked, it just led to sex and he wanted to save that for the Blood Orgy.
“Well while we are waiting,” The Dark Priest changed the subject and addressed the congregation, “How many of you will be coming to the Pot Luck dinner next Thursday?”
As he was tallying up the show of hands, Bob came back into the basement.
“Ah we can resume.” The Dark Priest said.
“Um, sorry. He won’t take a check.” Bob told him.
The Dark Priest sighed, “Did you tell him we are a church?”
“Yeah, But the checks don’t say that.” Bob informed him, “They just say C.O.D.L.”
“I had asked that the checks proudly say ‘Church of Satan’ in bold red lettering with blood dripping off the letters.” The Dark Priest howled.
“There was a problem with that.” Phil, the church’s accountant stood up, “The Church of Satan is copyrighted. I tried to change it to ‘Church of the Dark Lord’ but the bank confused my A with an I and my R with a C and I didn’t think ‘Church of the Dick Lord” had the same authority you were looking for. So I had them just use the initials.”
“Ok everyone pony up some cash so we can get on with it.” The Dark Priest tried to salvage the situation.
The Daughters of the Dark Lord looked over their naked bodies.
“I left my money in my clothes.” The Lead Daughter said.
“I’ll take care of your share. Linda.” The Dark Priest sighed and pulled out his wallet, “Everyone add a little more to make up for the ladies if you want to get on with the Orgy.”
“Here everyone put the money in this.” Phil grabbed a bowl.
“You want us to pass out a collection plate for the pizza?” The Dark Priest was astonished.
“Sure it seems the simplest way.” Phil said, “What’s wrong?”
“We are The Church of Satan!” The Dark Priest screamed, “We don’t pass out the collection plate!”
“Well what do you suggest?” Phil asked.
“Fine,” The Dark Priest shook his head and pulled his wallet out of the pocket of his jeans that he was wearing under his robes, “Here’s $10 bucks for me and Linda. How much is it?”
“$106 plus tip.” Bob told him.
“How many pizzas did you order?” The Dark Priest asked.
“15, I figured everyone would be a little hungry after the orgy so I wanted to make sure we had enough.” Bob said.
“He’s got a point,” Linda said, “I know I get the munchies big time after the Orgies.”
“Ok, Everyone except the Daughters of the Dark Lord put in $10 and that should cover the pizzas and a nice tip and we can get on with it.” The Dark Priest commanded.
After the collection plate was passed around Phil counted up the money. “Hey, who didn’t put in? Evil Bastard, I mean um, Bastard.”
“I’ll cover it.” The Dark Priest pulled out another ten-dollar bill, “Let’s just get on with it.”
While everyone was busy with getting the money for the pizzas, their eyes were off the motionless body sprawled naked on the offering table. His fingers slowly started to move, followed by his hands and feet.
When everyone’s eyes were concentrated on Bob taking the money up to the front door, the sacrifice leaped off the offering table and crashed into the folding chairs/pews. As everyone was too stunned to move, he ran to the back exit of the basement and was out the door before the shocked group could react.
“Oh Great.” The Dark Priest held up his hands, “Now how are we going hold our sacrifice?”
“We could move straight on to the Orgy.” Linda suggested.
“That’s your solution to everything isn’t it?” The Dark Priest screamed at his wife, “Move straight to the Orgy. Nothing on TV, I suggest a game of cards, you say, ‘hey why not have an Orgy.’ I mention we have bald patches in our lawn and want to pick up some fertilizer, you say, ‘Let’s have an Orgy to make the Dark Lord fix it.’
“You know I’m beginning to think you’re not truly in this to give your soul to Satan. I think you just do it for the Orgies.”
“Well maybe if you gave me some outside the Orgies, I wouldn’t be thinking about them all the time.” Linda shot back.
“Guys, I hate to interrupt.” Phil said, “But the pizza boy is right upstairs and you’re yelling loud enough for the entire neighborhood to hear about giving Orgies for the Dark Lord.”
“I don’t care what the Pizza boy…” The Dark Priest suddenly came up with a devious plan, “Actually, I think I know where we can get a new sacrifice.
“Phil, Have the Pizza Boy bring the Pizzas down here.
“Ralph, do you still have any of your paralyzing potion left?”
“Sure.” Ralph said.
“And can you make sure it works this time?” The Dark Priest said condescendingly.
“It worked last time,” Ralph defended himself, “I didn’t realize we would be running so late or I would have given him a bigger dose.”
“Great we can use the Pizza Guy for the ritual.” The Dark Priest grinned.
“How do we know he’s a virgin?” One of the Daughters of the Dark Lord asked.
“The last guy wasn’t.” Linda said then blushed, “I mean I, um, didn’t, um, think to ask. That’s what I meant, I forgot to ask.”
The Dark Priest glared at his wife then walked over to the entrance of the basement/church, past Bob who was holding a warming bag filled with pizzas, to greet the Delivery Driver. “Greetings, I’m glad you came. These little gatherings make us mighty hungry.”
Brian stopped dead in his tracks as he looked over his two warming bags that each held five pizzas each to see the four Daughters of the Dark Lord standing naked on the Alter looking him over.
“I-I-I” Was all he could say.
“Oh that’s my wife Linda and her um, friends.” The Dark Priest told him, “Linda why don’t you and the girls come down here and help…um…”
“Brian.” He managed to spit out as the four naked ladies approached him.
“…Brian with the pizzas.”
Two of the naked ladies relieved Brian of the pizza bags leaving Linda standing in front of him letting her eyes look him over.
“Glad to meet you, Brian.” She told him.
“You’re welcome, same here.” Brian managed to say.
“Her eyes are a little higher.” The Dark Priest said, snapping him out of his trance.
“It’s OK.” Linda laughed as Brian looked her in the eye, “I get that a lot.”
“Now Brian, I know you guys pretty much live off your tips.” The Dark Priest said to him.
“Uh hum.” Brian’s eyes started involuntarily started drifting downward.
“So If I had a way for you to make a quick twenty on top of the tip we already gave you, would you be interested?” The Dark Priest asked pulling a twenty-dollar bill out of his wallet.
“It depends what I’d have to do.” Brian said looking the Dark Priest in the eye for the first time.
“Well you see, our church here is doing a little production number next month and we are doing our first tech rehearsal…but unfortunately one of our actors was sick and we need someone to fill in his spot for the night.
“It’s just a minor spot where he plays dead and the Daughters of… I mean the girls, frolic around him. It’s critical we get the frolicking right; I mean we’d hate to have one of the girls accidentally trip and fall on top of our dead guy when we do this in front of a live audience.”
“Can’t have that.” Brian agreed, “And those four ladies will be doing the frolicking?”
“Why yes.” The Dark Priest grinned, “We really need to get Linda to get her frolicking down, She’s sweet but a little clumsy, She keeps falling face first on top the dead guy.”
“Can I keep my clothes on?” Brian asked.
“Well the part is supposed to be played naked.” The Dark Priest paused to see Brian’s reaction, when he didn’t say anything the Dark Priest continued, “But since this is only the Tech Rehearsal we can make an exception.”
“OK.” Brian said, “But I’ve only got a few minutes.”
“That’s all it will take.” The Dark Priest grinned, “Now I’ll have Linda and the girls show you your spot and Ralph, he’s the director, will show you how you need to lay.”
Brian let Linda take his arm and lead him over to the offering table. She stood beside him grinning down on him as the other girls took their places.
Ralph came over and told him to put his arms at his sides and relax. He took the opportunity to look over the naked girls that surrounded him.
As he looked back at Linda, he saw a glint of light in the corner of her eye, he looked up to see Ralph holding a syringe getting ready to stab him in the neck.
Brian jumped off the offering table and slammed into one of the naked Daughters of the Dark Lord, knocking her over and landing on top of her.
“Sorry Ma’am.” He told her.
“Don’t go.” She said as he struggled to get back on his feet.
Once he was back on his feet, he dashed over to the Dark Priest and snatched the twenty out of his hand. He grabbed the three warming bags from the table and was out the back door before anyone could stop him.
“I told you to get that lock fixed!” Linda screamed at her husband.
“No time for that now,” The Dark Priest Commanded, “Quick everyone to the Astro-Van of Evil.”
By the time Satan’s Minions got outside to their cars, Brian had already started his Sentra and was turning around in their driveway.
“Don’t let him escape.” The Dark Priest yelled as he got in the Astro-Van.
As the Priest of the Dark Lord fumbled for his keys, Linda and the Daughters of the Dark Lord got in the minivan with him.
Bob and Ralph tried to get in but there was no room.
“I’ve got the leftover items from our yard sale in here.” Linda explained, “I’ve been meaning to take them to the Salvation Army.”
“That was three weeks ago.” The Dark Priest exclaimed as he started up the mighty 2.4-liter engine. “Never mind, we’ll handle him ourselves.”
The Dark Priest put the van in drive and floored it, making the rear tires of the minivan let out a squeak as they nearly broke traction.
As Brian got out onto the main road, he saw that they were following him and realized he had a problem, the little 1.6 liter in his Sentra was no match for the minivan as far as pure speed. He knew he needed to come up with something quick, and then he saw the sign for Bristol Road. Out of habit, he hit his turn signal before taking the right hand turn. He barreled down the narrow road at over 35 miles per hour, and saw the minivan closing on him. The minivan was just a few feet from his rear bumper when he saw what he needed to lose them. The road had a sharp 90-degree turn that popped up with no warning. In his first month as a delivery driver he had nearly gone off the road the first few times he delivered out here. He hit his brakes and just made the sudden turn. The minivan came within a few inches of his bumper as he turned. He watched in his back mirror as the minivan continued to go straight, flying off the road that turned with no warning.
“Is everyone OK?” The Dark Priest asked after the minivan came to an abrupt halt in the swamp beyond the road.
After everyone replied that they were ok, Linda said, “You know if we told the victim before hand that we need them to sacrifice their virginity to me and the Daughters of the Dark Lord. And that we’d let them go after they had sex with the four of us, they might not run away.”
“That’s not part of the ritual, they have to give us their virginity involuntarily.” The Dark Priest said, “On to more pressing matters, does anyone have a cell phone on them so we can call a tow truck?”
“Does it look like any of us have a cell phone?” Linda said looking down at her naked body.
Back at the Pizza Joint Brian told Bernie, the night-shift manager, what had happened.
“So do you think they were going to kill you?” Bernie asked.
“I got that impression.” Brian told him.
“Well I’ll show them.” Bernie was furious, “No one tries to kill my drivers and gets away with it.”
Bernie pulled up the account for the phone number that had placed the order and furiously typed in the notes. “Carry-Out Only.”
“They’ll regret this night next time they don’t feel like cooking.”
By Darrell B. Nelson author of
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