Self-Proclaimed Experts.

One thing about the Internet is people can still write with a fair amount of anonymousness. So you pretty much have to take them at their word at first and read their stuff before judging if they are full of crap or not.

One dead give away that someone is full of crap is if they proclaim themselves to be an expert in some subject that not even the most z-listed community college would offer classes in.

The funniest thing is the Self-Proclaimed Experts don’t even think about what a normal person would think about the title they’ve given themselves. Here are six of the funniest ones I’ve found.

Infidelity Expert.
This is the honor that Stephany Alexander has bestowed upon herself without thinking about what it sounds like. It sounds like she has gotten the practice of cheating on people down to a science and that she hops in bed with any married man or woman who is willing. I haven’t checked further into her site because I’m sure it isn’t as exciting as I’m imagining.

Drug Experts.
There are many of these, and some of them probably actually have degrees and stuff, but they never thought about what it sounds like. I sounds like a person who has smoked, popped, shot up, snorted, drank, and used suppositories of every drug in the world so they can tell you which will give you the exact high you are looking for, sort of like Timothy Leary combined with Jim Carroll.

Culture Expert
You expect these guys to be working at Yoplait and Dannon working on the next greatest batch of yogurt, noble work but not the kind of thing you would think would make great TV or Radio.

Moral Experts
You would expect them to be a real life version of Stan Marsh from South Park. Able to take the strangest adventure or story and boil it down to a paragraph starting with “I’ve learned something today…”

Polling Experts
I found out the hard way that this does not mean Stripper, I was very disappointed. Nuff Said.

Posting Expert
Despite what the name sounds like, these people will not help you much when you are putting up a fence.

Fidelity Credits

Adultery is part of our society according to Infidelity Expert, Stephany Alexander.(How one becomes an Infidelity Expert as opposed to just an Amateur Adulterer she doesn’t explain).

According to her 14% of women and 22% men have been unfaithful. She doesn’t say how she arrived at those statistics, I figure she just keeps a tally pad by her bed.

As a public service I’ve decided to solve the problem of Infidelity in this country and possibly the world. I will do it through Fidelity Credits.

Fidelity Credits work similar to Carbon Credits. Although complex in practice (well not really) they are simple in theory. If you plan on cheating on your spouse simply let me know and for a small fee I will have sex with my wife. I am happily married so my faithful married sex will offset your infidelity.

Naturally, this is done on a sliding scale, if you have an affair and do it doggy style or missionary the fee is quite small, (And you’re not very imaginative). For the more elaborate forms of Infidelity it will naturally be more. For instance if you plan on being unfaithful by doing your partner reverse cowgirl style while a stripper performs oral on the female, then in order to offset this, I will need the money to cover the stripper up front.

I’m sure that there are people out there that think I am a hero for taking on the burden of solving the Adultery Problem upon my self. But I just think I’m doing my part towards making the world a better place.

That’s What he Said.

I just read Madame Isis’s excellent post: Where she deciphers chickspeak for guys.
One thing I’ve noticed is girls don’t always understand mantalk either so in my own humble way I will try to translate the things guys say into what they really mean.

What a guy means when he first meets you.

“Do you want to go someplace and talk?”
This means: Let’s have sex, talk if you must and the going someplace private is optional.

“Nice shirt, (dress, pants, ect.)”
This means: Can you please take it off so I can have sex with you?

“So, what brings you here tonight?”
This means: Thanks for showing up, now let’s go have sex.

“Hi”
This means: I want to have sex with you.

During the relationship.

“I want to be left alone.”
This means: I want sex but I’m tired of talking, so could you please put your mouth to good work.

“I love your sense of humor.”
This means: I want sex.

“Did you want to watch a movie?”
This means: Let’s watch some porn and then have sex.

“Do you want to be left alone?”
This means: Can I film you masturbating?

“Hi”
This means: I want sex.

When the guy is breaking up with you.

“I never want to see you again.”
This means: I never want to talk to you again. Just silently get naked so we can have sex and then leave.

“We can still be friends.”
This means: We can still have sex, we just won’t see each other with our clothes on.

“I’m seeing someone else.”
This means: Are you up for a threeway?

“I can’t stand to see you anymore?”
This means: I only want to do you doggy style.

“Hi”
This means: Want to have sex?

After you’ve been broken up for a while.

“How have you been?”
This means: Have you learned any new sex tricks you’d like to show me?

“My new girlfriend is great?”
This means: Can you talk her into a threeway?

“Hi”
This means: Want to have sex?

As you can see guys have a very complicated code they use when speaking to chicks. If any women out there have had guys say something to them that they are not sure what it means just ask me and I’ll try and translate it for you.

Project Savior's Dating Advice 5 How to act on a Date.

Rule #1: Chicks love a confident guy

Let her know that she’s lucky to go out with a guy like you. Go out your way to remind her of this.

1a: Show up fashionably late, you need to show her you’ve got things going on in your life that are more important than her.

1b: Let her know you’re an important person, brag about all your accomplishments, and make sure to go into every detail.

1c: Bring your cell phone and have your friends all call you when you’re on a date. Pretend they you’re business associates and berate them loudly. Make sure to use the word “Cunt” Loudly and often.

1d: Let her know you’re more important than the people around you, be sure to yell at your waiter. Whatever you do don’t tip them.

1f: Don’t forget to remind her that she’s probably never been on a date with a guy as great as you, mention this often.

Rule #2: Be yourself.

2a: If you like to sit around in your soiled and blood stained underwear at home, then by all means wear them on your date.

2b: You don’t hold your gas back at home, so don’t bother to on your date.

2c: When alone you check out every girl with in eyeshot, so do it blatantly on your date. She’ll appreciate your honesty.

2d: Having a stuffy nose is uncomfortable so be sure to pick it often and flick the bugers in any random direction.

2e: If you have an itch under your soiled and bloodstained underwear, by all means scratch it right there. She’ll want you to be comfortable.

2f: You do want to look good, so make sure to comb yourself at the table. Bring it one step farther and shave during dinner, splash on some “Tan in a Can”.

2g: Be comfortable, take your shoes and socks off and put your feet up on the table.

Rule #3: Be funny. Chicks love a guy with a sense of humor.

3a: Smoke lots weed before the date. Weed makes you funnier. To prove this: Tell your silliest and corniest jokes into a tape recorder. Play it back once when you’re clean and once when you’re stoned, you’ll see that you sound funnier when you’re stoned. If you really want to be funny bring a tank of Nitrous Oxide.

3b: The goal of the date is sex, so tell lots of graphic sex jokes. Order the Kielbasa for her and steal her silverware, then make dick jokes as she eats it.

3c: Make fun of her clothes (especially her shoes), She’ll appreciate your ability to improvise.

3d: Play with her earrings, tell her it looks like a panda on a swing, even if it doesn’t she can’t see.

Rule #4: Be Romantic

4a: Maintain eye contact at all times, If possible don’t blink.

4b: Take cheek to cheek dancing one step further with nose to nose dancing. (Remember to maintain eye contact.)

4c: Let her know you’re a natural romantic. Give her a single red rose (romantic) that still has the thorns on it (natural).

4d: Show her love is forever, give her a 20 year old box of chocolates.

4e: Speak to her in a foreign language; memorize Hitler’s Nuremburg speech.

Rule #5: Girls like to know you care what other people think.
Have all your friends and family stop by at the date, tell them to bring score cards (0-5 scale of course.)

Rule #6: Girls like a popular guy,

Bring a date to your date.

Rule #7: It’s all up to the girl to ensure the date goes good.

Every girl is trained from birth how to make sure a date goes well so if the date goes badly then as a guy you can’t be the reason, it must be her fault. Ask her why she is sabotaging your date. If she says any of it is your fault, she’s just trying deflect the blame away from herself, don’t let her.

Project Savior's Dating Advice Part 4: The first Date.

If you’ve followed parts 1-3 you should have your dream girl eating out of the palm of your hand so make sure to take her on a first date she’ll never forget. (Not without intensive therapy, anyway.)

Chicks dig it when a guy is relaxed and happy on a date so do something that makes you happy.
Some ideas for a first date:
Working together towards a common goal brings people together.
If you’re remodeling your home, this would be a great time to work on the bathroom, make sure to prep the bathroom before the date by turning off the water and removing the old toilet. Then pick her up and take her to the hardware store with you to pick out the new toilet. (Chicks love shopping) Then when you get home the two of you can have hours of fun by installing the new toilet. And if you have any time left now would be a good time to work on the tiles.
A good idea is to have plenty of alcohol ready to give her while the water is off and you don’t have a working toilet. You’ll be surprised at how quick she will work to get the toilet working after a couple beers.

Chicks love meeting new people.
If she doesn’t know any of your friends this is a great time to introduce her to them, and their hobbies.
A great first date idea is to have all your friends come over to smoke weed and clean their gun collections. You’ll be surprised how close she will cling to you if she is in a house full of stoned strangers who are waving guns around.

Chicks can confuse adrenaline for love.
It has been shown that if a girl does something that gets her heart racing she will respond more amorously to men around her. So do something that will get her heart racing, like drag racing.
Surprise her by picking her up and don’t say where you are going, when you turn the corner and are at the starting line of a street race it will leave her speechless.
As you race the other car make sure to do stuff that will raise her heart rate, like drive into oncoming traffic and through construction zones. Also make sure to do several high speed fishtails.

Everyone likes games.
Show her how good you are on the Playstation, Play a Single Player first person shooter or baseball games while she watches. You want to show her how good you are so make sure to stay very focused on the game and tune out any distractions, like what she is saying to you and stuff.

Wine and Dine her.
Chicks love to be taken out to dinner, but if you spend too much on the first date she might think you are trying to buy your way into her pants. Luckily, there are plenty of places you can get her a great dinner for free.
Check the obituaries for wakes and viewings. They serve a whole buffet and the food is top-notch, It is a good idea to learn the corpse’s name before going, though.
Spanish Catholic Mass, Great Spanish food and they will give you a sip of wine. They say something in some language as you are drinking but its not like it will damn your eternal soul if you don’t know what they are saying.

Chicks love a picnic.
So go to a pick your own tomato place, half way down a row stop and have a picnic of tomatoes. You don’t want it look like your trying to buy her love, so leave your wallet at home and ask if she can cover the 2 Bucks or so that the remaining tomatoes cost. Then go for a long drive, if she gets hungry refuse to let her eat any of your tomatoes.

Chicks love guys who are in good shape.
Take her with you to your annual physical.

Chicks like a guy who is open minded.
Take her to a Sex Change consultation with you.

Enter her in a wet t-shirt contest.
Everyone loves a competition.

Go to a place Chicks like.
To find out what chicks like, find a place where the girls out numbers guys.
Some examples are:
A strip club at opening, lots of girls and only a male bartender and DJ.
A lesbian bar.

Project Savior's Dating Advice Part 3 Asking her out.

After following the steps outlined in Parts 1 & 2, she should know your interested in her and be hoping you’ll ask her out, so don’t disappoint her.

Find out the Cost to Reward ratio before taking her out. The easiest way to do this is with this question: “Are you gonna put out?”
If no then you should spend the same amount on the date, nothing. In fact this would be a good time to break up, so use a line like: “I’m going back to my Mother-Sister, she’s a better lay.” With this line you don’t have to worry about her stalking you.

If Yes: You need to find out more before deciding if you should do something that you’ll enjoy or something she’ll enjoy. So ask this question:
“Do you have a friend who will lick my balls while I do you wheel-barrel style?”
If No Then the date should be something you enjoy like dressing up in a wizard hat and robe and casting a level 13 spell turning her into a beautiful woman.

If Yes: You still need more information “Can I have a film crew film us as I cover you in Crunchy Peanut Butter and have all your female friends lick it off?”
If she says no to this, Then there is some detail about this plan that she is objecting to; so ask follow up questions.
“How about creamy peanut butter?”
“Jam?”
“Fluffer Nutter?”
By asking these questions you can find out what she doesn’t like about the plan now, instead of during filming.
If she agrees then you should proceed with one the more special dates I will outline in my later installments.

Project Savior's Dating Advice Part 2: The Approach

After following the Rules to prep yourself as outlined in part 1, you are now ready to approach chicks.
Make sure to follow these Rules:

Rule #1: Use some of these lines to break the ice.
Compliment her.
“Nice Rack.” Shows you find her attractive.
“You’ve got great cock sucking lips.” Shows you think she’s got talent.
And the classic: “Hey, Your really hot.”

Show that you share some of the same interests.
“How are your boobs?” Shows that you are interested in her boobs, and she should be interested in them since they’re hers.
“Would you like to test your flexibility on me?”
“Do you prefer bi, gay or straight porn?”
“I can see your nipples.”

Rule #2: Chicks love to be told they are better other girls.
Be sure to let her know who she reminds you of, so be sure to tell her that…
She looks heavier than your ex-girlfriend,
She looks like she would be better in bed than a famous porn star.
Her boobs feel even better your moms, ect.

Rule #3: Be direct in your conversations. Use these lines.
“INTERCOURSE!!”
If she’s eating as soon as she puts something in her mouth say: “SUCK IT”
And the classic. “Let’s Fuck”

Rule #4: Conversations are one way. There are actually two approaches to conversations with a chick.
4a: You do all the talking, don’t let her get a word in edgewise. It will show her you’re a take charge type of guy.
4b: Put the focus on her.
Ask rapid fire questions like:
“Name?”
“Any Relatives?”
“Where were you on the night of the 22nd?”
This will show her you want to know more about her, if she tries asking a question about her tell her that this conversation is about her.

Rule 5: Chick’s like a guy who is open and direct about what they want. This can be done with non-verbal communication.
Grab her boobies before saying a word.
Stick your hand down her pants.
She’ll get the hint as to what you want.

Rule 6: Chick’s like a successful guy, let her know about your achievements no matter how small.
“Hey Baby, I once masturbated 23 times in one day.”
“My car is so big it’s got room for 62 heads in the trunk.”
“I once got arrested in six states, in one night.”

Special thanks go out to Kupo for pointing out a small problem in Rule #2, I took his advice so it will work even better.

Project Savior's Dating Advice: Part 1 Preparation

Rule #1: Always listen to others when deciding in what qualities you want in a potential date. Just because you’re a guy who joined the Dungeons and Dragons Club because you think the guys in the club are cute doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to score the Cheerleader.


Rule #2: Chicks love the smell of guys after they work out, if you don’t like to work up a sweat, just do it once then stop showering. The scent will stay with you.


Rule #3: Chicks dig the outdoorsy type, make sure to dig in the dirt a lot, make sure not to wash your hands after so they know you’re an outdoorsy type. And no matter what make sure never to trim or clean under your nails.


Rule #4: You need to prove your vitality, so masturbate often (in public when possible). Again, avoid showering after.


Rule #5: Chicks love the rebel, so make sure not follow clothing advise from the fashionistas mix stripes and plaids, wear black socks with sandals and white socks with docksiders. If in doubt wear one white sock and one black sock.


Rule #6: Never let them see your nervous, so make sure to smoke plenty of weed before going out in public. Chicks dig it when you seem aloof, with weed you’ll seem oblivious to everything including oncoming traffic.



Rule #7: Chicks love tough guys, so make sure to always look like you’ve just been in a fight. Wear plenty of Band-Aids, put some mayo under them so it looks like they are oozing pus.



Rule #8: Chicks love accents like Sylvester Stalone and Arnold Swartzanigger. So practice speaking like them. Nothing says gentle giant like gibberish.


Rule #9: Gene Simmons and Elvis bagged a lot of chicks, what do they have in common? sequin costumes. Make sure to cover all your clothing with plenty of sequins.


Rule #10: Pay close attention to your hair, it is tough to get your hairstyle just right so once you get it perfect, layer it in hairspray and never wash it again.

My Last Encounter with a Prostitute

I need to start this piece off by saying I have no problem with prostitution. I’ve never paid for sex, not because of some moral reason, but because for me it is easier to get sex for free than to pay for it.

This is a story of the last time I ran into a prostitute, but not a lot stranger than most times I’ve talked to them.

I was out of coffee and I knew I was low on gas so I left the house early one morning. After filling up and getting a cup of coffee I saw someone else needed the pump so I pulled forward and started getting my coffee ready for the drive and adjusting the radio.

I saw a curly haired person in a leather jacket and leather pants walking towards me. I had to wonder, is that a guy or a girl?

Unfortunately, as I was trying to figure out the person’s sex, they noticed me staring at them, waved at me and started walking over. I still had about 20 minutes before I’d have to start out to work so I figured I’d see what they wanted.

As they approached, I still had no clue what this person’s sex was.

They got to the window and asked. “Would you like some sugar?”

I’d like to say my first thought was that I could never betray my wife by having sex without her or some noble thought, but in reality it was, “Is 8:30 in the morning the best time for transvestite hooker’s to prowl the local gas stations?”

“Uh no.” Was all I could come up with as a witty reply.

“Oh,” Was their come back. “You got a smoke?”

I was tempted to exchange a cigarette for a titty flash, not because I wanted to see the titties but because it would hopefully answer my question of what gender they were.

Then I thought it must be a tough job, being a transvestite street walker who works the early shift or a street walker who looks for John’s that have one foot out of the closet so they bang hooker’s that look like dudes, but only early in the morning.
Whichever was the case being impolite wouldn’t really help this person, so I handed them a smoke.

They took a drag and said. “I could rock your world, hon.”

“I’m sure you could,” I replied. “But my world is fine the way it is.”

With that they walked off, and I sped out of the gas station.

I’m always I little leery of filling up my car first thing in the morning now, I figure if I really need gas I can go out at midnight when the A team prostitutes are on the prowl.

The Superhero chicks I would never date.

They may be Super, but they’d be lousy lovers.

I watched Fantastic Four 2 the other day, and for some reason every time I see a Jessica Alba film I start thinking about chicks I wouldn’t want to sleep with.
So that made me think up this list.

Invisible Girl

Reasons a guy would want to: Ability to create forcefields so no need for condoms, inability to act makes it impossible for her to fake orgasms.

Competition: Mr Fantastic. He has the ability to change his penis and tongue into any shape he desires, that is why the ladies named him Mr Fantastic.

Reasons not to date her: I can imagine getting her into bed and having her say, “Let’s try something wild” she turns invisible and gets on top. This seems cool cause I don’t have to look at her emotionless face (In the opening of FF2, I thought she was a mannequin). I finish up just to walk out into the living room to find her watching TV, and she’s such a shitty actress she can’t even pretend she was with me.

Batgirl.

Reasons a guy would want to: Her love of toys would make for a fun time, has her own scooter so she wouldn’t need a ride home.

Competition: None. Unless you count Robin, the lamest Superhero ever.

Reasons not to date her: You would never know if she skipped out on a date. She would always have the same excuse, “Oh, Sorry. I was kidnapped.” That excuse would get old fast as you respond. “That’s the 3rd time this week, and it’s only Tuesday.”

Supergirl

Reasons a guy would want to: Super speed, think of what she could do with that tongue. Invincibility, she wouldn’t get sore and have to stop after only 5 or 6 hours. Super cooling breath, she could always get you a frosty cold beer.

Competition: Comet the wonder horse. He’s a super powered horse that turns human 3 days a month to confess his love for her. So he could kick my ass in a fight, but in the bedroom most chicks prefer a human.

Reasons not to date her: Her Superhuman strength extends to her Who-ha region. If she gets too excited during sex those muscles would contract squeezing like a super vice, turning into a male organ grinder.
Even oral would be fraught with danger, imagine if she is a squirter. Her vaginal fluid would come out near the speed of light knocking the giver across the room. Only another superpowered person could go down on her, like Wonder Woman.

Wonder Woman.

Reasons a guy would want to: Faster than ordinary human so the tongue thing would be the same as Supergirl, nearly Invincible so she could stand the friction of long lovemaking. Her strength is several times the average woman so her pleasure muscles would be at best fantastic, at worst mildly uncomfortable. The woman in her name suggests she has had experience with the ladies of Amazon Island. Plus she has her own jet.

Competition: Terry Long, pedophile. He dated Wonder Woman when she was a girl on Amazon Island but spent his time hitting on her younger friends.

Reasons not to date her: She seems perfect, just super enough to be a great lover but not so powerful to cause unintentional harm. The catch is she has a golden lasso that forces someone to tell the truth. Imagine walking into the bedroom and accidentally stepping in to her lasso as she asks, “Does this new outfit make me look fat?”

Mystique

Reasons a guy would want to: She has the ability to look like anyone in the world. You could have any girl you wanted without being unfaithful.

Competition: None.

Reasons not to date her: Her job requires her to assume the shape of men and women in different positions.
Imagine this scenario: You are enjoying the afterglow of a great lovemaking session were she was all of this year’s Playmates of the month. She has to get ready for her latest assignment and turns into Richard Simmons. No man, no matter how confident in their sexuality could stand that.