Sunday, January 4, 2009

The Superhero chicks I would never date.

They may be Super, but they’d be lousy lovers.

I watched Fantastic Four 2 the other day, and for some reason every time I see a Jessica Alba film I start thinking about chicks I wouldn’t want to sleep with.
So that made me think up this list.

Invisible Girl

Reasons a guy would want to: Ability to create forcefields so no need for condoms, inability to act makes it impossible for her to fake orgasms.

Competition: Mr Fantastic. He has the ability to change his penis and tongue into any shape he desires, that is why the ladies named him Mr Fantastic.

Reasons not to date her: I can imagine getting her into bed and having her say, “Let’s try something wild” she turns invisible and gets on top. This seems cool cause I don’t have to look at her emotionless face (In the opening of FF2, I thought she was a mannequin). I finish up just to walk out into the living room to find her watching TV, and she’s such a shitty actress she can’t even pretend she was with me.


Reasons a guy would want to: Her love of toys would make for a fun time, has her own scooter so she wouldn’t need a ride home.

Competition: None. Unless you count Robin, the lamest Superhero ever.

Reasons not to date her: You would never know if she skipped out on a date. She would always have the same excuse, “Oh, Sorry. I was kidnapped.” That excuse would get old fast as you respond. “That’s the 3rd time this week, and it’s only Tuesday.”


Reasons a guy would want to: Super speed, think of what she could do with that tongue. Invincibility, she wouldn’t get sore and have to stop after only 5 or 6 hours. Super cooling breath, she could always get you a frosty cold beer.

Competition: Comet the wonder horse. He’s a super powered horse that turns human 3 days a month to confess his love for her. So he could kick my ass in a fight, but in the bedroom most chicks prefer a human.

Reasons not to date her: Her Superhuman strength extends to her Who-ha region. If she gets too excited during sex those muscles would contract squeezing like a super vice, turning into a male organ grinder.
Even oral would be fraught with danger, imagine if she is a squirter. Her vaginal fluid would come out near the speed of light knocking the giver across the room. Only another superpowered person could go down on her, like Wonder Woman.

Wonder Woman.

Reasons a guy would want to: Faster than ordinary human so the tongue thing would be the same as Supergirl, nearly Invincible so she could stand the friction of long lovemaking. Her strength is several times the average woman so her pleasure muscles would be at best fantastic, at worst mildly uncomfortable. The woman in her name suggests she has had experience with the ladies of Amazon Island. Plus she has her own jet.

Competition: Terry Long, pedophile. He dated Wonder Woman when she was a girl on Amazon Island but spent his time hitting on her younger friends.

Reasons not to date her: She seems perfect, just super enough to be a great lover but not so powerful to cause unintentional harm. The catch is she has a golden lasso that forces someone to tell the truth. Imagine walking into the bedroom and accidentally stepping in to her lasso as she asks, “Does this new outfit make me look fat?”


Reasons a guy would want to: She has the ability to look like anyone in the world. You could have any girl you wanted without being unfaithful.

Competition: None.

Reasons not to date her: Her job requires her to assume the shape of men and women in different positions.
Imagine this scenario: You are enjoying the afterglow of a great lovemaking session were she was all of this year’s Playmates of the month. She has to get ready for her latest assignment and turns into Richard Simmons. No man, no matter how confident in their sexuality could stand that.

1 comment:

mary rose said...

I'm still contemplating 5 or 6 HOURS - great post!