Sunday, June 30, 2013

Judging a book by its cover Poll

Here is the cover of my next book. Judging by the cover, what do you think it is about?

1)A DIY manual on petting kittens
2)The true story behind the Alien-Industrial Complex
3)A cookbook
4)11 horror stories, 3 that have never been released anywhere.

Have fun guessing.

By Darrell B. Nelson author of I KILLED THE MAN THAT WASN'T THERE

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Movie Spoilers

Spoiler Alerts, a lot of movies are coming out based on books. I've found places where I can get spoilers for these. The books they were based on.

It turns out the authors of the books have given out spoilers in great detail. Thousands of words of spoilers.

You can go see the upcoming Romeo and Juliet, but some guy named William Shakespeare already gave out the ending. Spoiler Alert: They die at the end.

It's the same with a lot of upcoming movies.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, Seth Grahame-Smith already gave away the ending in a book and a graphic novel.

With the sequel to the Hunger Games, Suzanne Collins gave away the ending in her book.

Even worse, Movies based on historical events. Most Universities have entire departments dedicated to giving out spoilers.

I've been watching the series Spartacus, it turns out there are many Professors at several universities that have based their careers on giving out spoilers for this series.

The only way to avoid spoilers is to never read books and never study history, that way you won't know the ending to “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter”

By Darrell B. Nelson author of I KILLED THE MAN THAT WASN'T THERE

Monday, March 25, 2013

Evil Minion Sales Force

I have to apologize to my evil minions. I didn't think their sales pitch would work but yesterday my book SHOWGIRLS AND ALIENS shot up to #45 in Amazon's Sci-Fi Adventure category. So they must be really selling the hell out of it.

At least that's why I think it's going so well.

Why do you think it's more people are downloading it.

It's free this week.

Matt's great Review

My Evil Minion Sales Force

All of the above.

As always vote on the upper left side of the page.

By Darrell B. Nelson author of I KILLED THE MAN THAT WASN'T THERE

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Marketing Fails

In case anyone didn't know my new book: SHOWGIRLS AND ALIENS is free this week on Amazon. It is already #94 for free adventure ebook in Kindle store.

One thing that writers hate is Marketing, I'll share some Marketing tactics that didn't work for me.


I can see why this doesn't work. I grabbed a Sock and made a puppet out of it. I started talking to it about my book. I'm getting all excited telling the sock about my book when he interrupts me and tells me socks don't read.

I told him socks don't talk either.

He asked me how I was hearing him if he can't talk.

I didn't have a response, so I said he was an insane piece of cotton that was born in a sweatshop.

We got in a yelling match over who was more evil, the product of a sweatshop or the consumer who buys the product.

Finally my wife came in and broke up the argument. She put the sock in the sock drawer as time-out and made me write on my next novel as my time out.

LESSON LEARNED: If you are going to talk to a Sockpuppet about your book, make sure you find a friendly one.


I thought about emailing everyone I know saying, “Buy my book”. As a former marketing guy I know the importance of testing these things first. So the first email I sent was to myself. I proudly hit send and went back to look at the copy of what I had written. Then I got an email interrupting me. It was from Darrell B. Nelson asking me to buy his latest book.

Annoyed at being interrupted I emailed him back saying to stop Spamming me.

Looking at the results of my first test, I found 100% of the people I sent emails to asked me to stop with the spam.


I gathered my evil minions and told them to tell everyone about my book. I was just about to set them loose to spread the word, when I remembered that I should try a role playing exercise. I pretended to be the customer and listened to their pitch.


Okay that's good, but doesn't really get to the heart of the matter. Let's try again:


Still not mentioning the product enough, but it was really cute.

Then they started needing ear rubs and petting. Before I knew it the afternoon was gone.

Looking at the numbers, sending out evil minions didn't really help with sales.

Those are some of the Marketing Ideas I tried, your results may vary.

By Darrell B. Nelson author of I KILLED THE MAN THAT WASN'T THERE

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Review and Special Offer

I got a nice review of SHOWGIRLS AND ALIENS over at “A Book and a Dish”  :

Surely, Darrell B. Nelson must have abducted Whitney Strieber, Carl Hiaasen, and Larry Flint together, force fed them lysergic laced pizza for days before recording their collaborative ramblings to produce his next offering: Showgirls and Aliens. Nelson's latest story is a hippie trip of swirling vortices. Who else could combine the black latex logic of 1983's TV series "V", the comical hysteria of aliens run amok found in the first MIB, and a stripper with a heart of gold? Now, add a bouncer with a paladin complex and an ancient bisexual reptilian alien overlord with an ovipositor the size of a Mack truck, and you begin to wonder if the brownie you are munching on tastes a little 'green.' Nelson's imagination streams off the page in multi-colored trailers only to be chased by the chrome gnats of horror from his sophomore effort in the "Vekman Series."

PS - Darrell, I found this amusing anecdote shoved on a shelf in a local Florida food co-op next to the homemade brownie mix and the patchouli spritzers.

To celebrate I'm giving away copies of the Vekman series. Starting at midnight tonight you can download SHOWGIRLS AND ALIENS for free at Amazon

I'll also be giving away the first Vekman book AN EXTRA TOPPING OF HORROR at Smashwords:

Use the coupon code: RU22X

By giving these books away I have two sinister motives. First, like a drug dealer I give out free samples to (hopefully) get people hooked on my writing. Second, If you like one or both books I'd love it if you would leave a comment at either Amazon or Smashwords.

The less sinister motive, I get a kick out of brightening people's day if I can get a few people to chuckle for a few hours it's worth it.

By Darrell B. Nelson author of I KILLED THE MAN THAT WASN'T THERE

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

My Source of Inspiration.

My Grandmother was a great role model and a source of inspiration to me.
She passed away recently, I hope to live up to her memory.

Patricia "Pat" Parker obituary.

By Darrell B. Nelson author of I KILLED THE MAN THAT WASN'T THERE

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Shut-up Stupid Sunday: Sex Selection Abortion

Last election the GOP's popularity among women voters were hurt by statements from Todd “Legitimate Rape” Akin and Richard “Even more offensive” Mourdock. To counter claims of the GOP's “War on Women” Rep. Trent Franks (R-Arizona) has come up with an even more offensive talking point, banning sex selection abortions.

Besides the fact that it is impossible to know someones true intent, and that 95% of abortions take place before the sex can be determined, and statistics show that if women in the US do use abortions for sex selection there are too few to be measured. It's just damn insulting.

The premise of using abortion to get rid of girls and only have boys is this: Mother's would prefer a son because women are treated unequally in society through laws that don't even allow them to have a say in what happens with their own bodies, therefore we need to pass laws that don't allow women to have a say in what happens to their own bodies. It's a Mobius Strip of an insult, the “solution” leads to the problem.

It's so insulting that as guy, I'm insulted.

There are places were using abortions to select the gender either was a problem or still is. For a couple decades in China after the one couple one child law started, it was a problem. Now with a generation of middle aged men desperate for women, and greater freedom for women, daughters are being prized in China.

In the Middle-East, Filicide isn't unheard of. That's in countries that treat women as property.

If you are really concerned with this non-problem, there is a simple solution: Give women equal opportunity as men.

So to the GOP, I will give some free advice on how not insult women over the abortion topic. State your feelings about it and stop. If you start going into pseudo-science and speculation about legitimate rape and sex selection abortion then: Shut-up Stupid, if necessary grab a pencil and stab it in your eye! Anything beyond personal opinion and feelings is bound to be insulting.

By Darrell B. Nelson author of I KILLED THE MAN THAT WASN'T THERE

Monday, March 4, 2013

To a Dyslexic Halloween and Friday the 13th can fall on the same day

The title isn't actually true, but I couldn't resist.

In my last poll, Kindle users said they would like to download SHOWGIRLS AND ALIENS (a dessert topping). I was going to use that as the lead for it's page on Amazon, however in the terms and conditions it is expressly forbidden to name the page anything but the title of the novel. So I would have to change the title and the coverart and everything.

But I think it still looks good.

On to the next poll:

Two of the greatest slasher movie villains for the past 30 years are Halloween's Micheal Myers and Friday the 13th's Jason. Except for Friday the 13th Part 2, they both used the same style, Low and Slow, not great for speed but high torque. They are the Diesel engines of serial killers.

Unfortunately they have never been in the same movie, so we don't know who is faster. Obviously they have some conditional advantages. Micheal is slow on level surfaces, but he seems to have the ability to teleport to different floors in a building. Jason slowly walks after his prey in the woods but he knows every shortcut so he can take one and appear in front of them.

But I wonder, in a straight out foot race with no shortcuts or teleportation allowed who would win.

Micheal Myers

Jason Voorhees

As always vote on the upper left part of the page.

By Darrell B. Nelson author of I KILLED THE MAN THAT WASN'T THERE

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Shut-up Stupid Sunday: Mind Reading Media Wars

Last Thursday Rachel Maddow stopped by the Daily Show and she and Jon talked about Justice Antonin Scalia talking about the Voting Rights act, "Whenever a society adopts racial entitlements, it is very difficult to get out of them through the normal political processes,"

Basically saying that Blacks voting is a “racial entitlement”.

Maddow commented:

"He's a troll. He's saying this for effect. He knows it's offensive and he knows he's going to get a gasp from the courtroom, which he got, and he loves it. He's like the guy on your blog comment thread who is using the n-word. 'Oh, it made you mad? How about if I say this? Does it make you mad? Did it make you mad? Did it make you mad?' He's that guy! He's that kind of guy! When we're all shocked that he said something so blatantly racially offensive while talking about the cornerstone of the federal Civil Rights Act, he's thinking, 'Oh yeah!'"

So Maddow is saying that Scalia isn't actually a racist, he just throws out racist comments to get a reaction. Naturally FOX news took offense to someone implying that Scalia isn't a racist. So Megyn Kelly had to chime in:

“I personally object to that kind of language against the Supreme Court justice. I don't think it does anybody any good. I think they vote their consciences up there whether they're left or right.”

First off Megyn, Maddow didn't say anything about how Scalia ends up voting, she was talking about his comments during oral arguments.

Second, how in the hell is being called a troll worse than being a racist?

Finally, Maddow was commenting on the look on Scalia's face as he throws out clearly offensive comments and leans back with a smug look on his face. If you've watched him give an interview you've seen that look. Maddow doesn't claim to be a mind reader, and she's commenting on what Scalia is thinking. Making it opinion nothing more and nothing less.

It's like if I were to say, Megyn Kelly must have watched that clip an said, “Oh yeah, here are two people, Rachel Maddow and Jon Stewart, who are crushing me in the ratings talking about something clearly offensive. I can use that to pump up my ratings which are dropping like a stone.”

Everyone should know that I can't read minds, so that paragraph is my opinion nothing more and nothing less.

So to Megyn Kelly for standing up and objecting to people assuming someone isn't a racist, and challenging their virtue of being a racist, all I can do is repeat Anthony Wiener's comment on your interviewing skills, “Aces!”

Here's an example of her great interviewing skills:

By Darrell B. Nelson author of I KILLED THE MAN THAT WASN'T THERE

Sunday, February 24, 2013


One thing that sucks about being a writer is doing self-promotion. But here's my Self-Promotion page:

By Darrell B. Nelson author of I KILLED THE MAN THAT WASN'T THERE

Saturday, February 23, 2013

New Release and Gifts

I'm announcing the release of my new book on amazon. SHOWGIRLS AND ALIENS

It's a fast fun read.
Former Gymnast, Nomi, lost hope after her parents were killed. She's now a drug using stripper. When she is on acid she can see the alien reptiles that rule the Earth in their true form.
She learns that not only have the reptiles been enslaving mankind but they killed her parents as well. They have targeted her to host a new breed of reptiles.
She must defeat the reptiles that enslave the Earth. Or she will be impregnated by them.

As a special promotion for every facebook like I get for this book, I will rub a kitten's ears.

If you don't want to like it for me, do it for the kittens.

By Darrell B. Nelson author of I KILLED THE MAN THAT WASN'T THERE

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Golfing with Tiger Woods and President Obama

The press corp is outraged that they weren't allowed access to the golf outing with Tiger Woods and President Obama. They could have just talked to me. When I was promoting my new book, SHOWGIRLS AND ALIENS that will be available on Amazon via their KDP Select program, I went golfing with Tiger Woods and President Obama.
Well, not really with them as I was in Kentucky and they were at a golf course, but we were on the same planet that counts, right? Oh and I wasn't really golfing, just doing my daily walk, but it was a form of exercise. And I wasn't promoting my new book, SHOWGIRLS AND ALIENS the story of a stripper fighting the man-sized reptiles that control the Earth, I was just sort of walking.
But Tiger Woods and President Obama were walking as well, so it's all connected.
It also reminded me about how similar my new book, SHOWGIRLS AND ALIENS about a fun and feisty stripper saving the world, is to a golf match between Tiger Woods and President Obama in that...well there has to be some connection.
Shortly after my sort of golfing match with Tiger Woods and President Obama while promoting my new book SHOWGIRLS AND ALIENS a comedy about a stripper taking on Alien Reptiles, I read this post, 10 Book-Marketing/Self-Promotion Techniques Which Annoy Potential Readers and found some great hints on how to promote my new book, SHOWGIRLS AND ALIENS the second book in the Vekman series.
By the way, I have a new book coming out, SHOWGIRLS AND ALIENS. It will soon appear on my AMAZON page.

By Darrell B. Nelson author of I KILLED THE MAN THAT WASN'T THERE

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Latest Reviews

I'm finally at the stage that I am getting bad reviews. Maybe I'm weird (My critique partners would say I don't need the modifier) but bad reviews make me happy. It means someone thought enough about my writing to say something and didn't just think, “Oh the poor thing, at least he's trying.”

So here are some of the reviews I've gotten at Barnes & Noble:


Anonymous gave it a 1 star saying, “Disgusting! I couldn't finish this story. It was beyond violent and not at all interesting. This author needs help.”

It's always nice when a stranger takes an interest in my mental health, not just my friends and family.

Other reviews were a bit more positive.

4 Stars “An intrigueing layout of how you take your chances and who you do your dealings with. Well written, fast paced plot will keep you wondering what's next.”

5 Stars Great Short: “Really enjoyed great read”

Both a 1 star and a 5 star with the review: “No text was provided for this review.”

I never know how to take that.


SN#DTF said: “This book truly has helped me for when I lost my VIRGINITY !!”

Since it dealt with dietary issues of head, I would love to hear SN#DTF's story. Was his girlfriend on a diet and found out that giving him head would add 35 calories to her daily caloric intake and said, “In that case lets just have sex.”
Someone replied: “Im sorry, but thats sad if you need a BOOk to lose your "virginity". Thanks for leting me know your personalblife though.” They gave my book a one star.

Did they give my book the bad rating because it got SN#DTF laid?

Then there is the minimalist negative rating: I Fail to see the humor: “I

It's simplicity reminds me of what one publisher wrote to Oscar Wilde, "My dear sir, I have read your manuscript. Oh, my dear sir."

I got one reviewer to give it 5 Stars: “Great 3 story collection. Really enjoyed will def look up more of auth work”
I'm glad they liked the first three stories, but there were actually 4 stories. I didn't think the last one would drag down the ratings.

A HOME TO DIE FOR got these:
A good fast read, Whoa, and Great.
One person liked the Adjuster better which is a bit of a shock to me, the first story was picked up by the first mag I sent it to. The Adjuster set records for the speed that it was rejected, but I still liked it. It just goes to show the great thing about self publishing is that it can give readers, who like something that editors don't like, a way to get those stories.
I know I read a lot of stuff that wouldn't be published in a regular magazine.

One thing I have to say about Barnes and Noble; I don't sell anywhere near the books there as I do at other places, but I get a lot more reviews.

By Darrell B. Nelson author of I KILLED THE MAN THAT WASN'T THERE

Monday, February 18, 2013

Kindle Poll

Last weeks poll was about the strange disappearance of 7 million children from the IRS tax records after they required a valid social security number for dependents. The responses were split between, “They were magically turned into a kitten army with balls of yarn”, and “Their souls power the “Naked Eye Supernova” to do evil.”

Of course we all know, it's a Government/Alien conspiracy to use children to populate new planets.

On to the next poll:

I've been looking through Amazon's Kindle releases to see what is most popular for downloading. Oddly enough, it's ebooks. A lot of the offerings even stress this point with titles like MY BOOK (A Novel). I'm thinking people might like a variety of things to download. So for my next release should it be:





As always vote on the upper left hand side of the page.

By Darrell B. Nelson author of I KILLED THE MAN THAT WASN'T THERE

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Power Words

In order to write a powerful book blurb, announcing a unique, new and improved (how can it be both brand new yet also improved) especially astonishing book, we urgently need to use sensational power words.

These secret, professionally tested words have a guaranteed way of unlocking the spotlight on our amazing unsurpassed wonderful book. For a limited time I've been daring to use these tremendous miracle words to breakthrough the unlimited wealth of opportunities that a book blurb can release.

Here is the just arrived, authentic blurb to launch my absolutely colossal new book, SHOWGIRLS AND ALIENS:

“It will make you giggle.”

Okay maybe it needs work.

By Darrell B. Nelson author of I KILLED THE MAN THAT WASN'T THERE

Monday, February 4, 2013

Missing Children Poll

According to IRS records, over 7 million children in the US disappeared between April 15, 1986 and April 15, 1987. That's a huge number of children. That more than the entire population of Libya. What could have caused this?

A) IRS requiring SS Numbers when claiming dependents. (Before that you could just write in a name.)

B) A Government/Alien conspiracy to use children to populate new planets.

C)They were magically turned into a kitten army with balls of yarn.

D)Their souls power the “Naked Eye Supernova” to do evil.

As always vote on the upper-left corner of the page.
By Darrell B. Nelson author of I KILLED THE MAN THAT WASN'T THERE

Sunday, February 3, 2013

The “Well, Why Not?” Moment

If you've watched thousands of B-Movies like I have, then you've experienced the, “Well, Why Not?” moment. In the middle of a bad Space Opera, a pack of Amazons on horseback attack. Why? “Well, Why Not?” Why is the girl in the black bikini suddenly wrestling the girl in the white bikini in a pit filled with jello? “Well, Why Not?”

In fiction this is a sign of a bad writer, one who just gets a few random scenes they want to see flash through their head and jot them down. Tyeing it to a plot, too much work.

When I watch these movies, those type scenes make me laugh my ass off. But even in the very cheesiest B-Movies, you have time to catch your breath in between them. So why doesn't the news maintain the same strict standards as Ed Wood did when writing a script?

How can “reporters” not burst out laughing when asked to interview someone who says the shooting at Sandy Hook was a hoax and asks, “Why?” The answer is usually, “Well, Why Not?” Followed by how it a secret plan by Obama to launch a program three times the size of the Apollo program, to take everyone's guns. Seriously, if there was zero resistance the cost of buying the 300 million guns in America valued between $200 and $10,000, not including collectibles, would easily cost more than the Interstate Highway System (the largest public works program in history). When asked “Why would they undertake that big of an investment?” The answer is “Well, Why Not?”

Except for Micheal Bay's, movies that have “Well, Why Not?” moments are shunned by the public. So how did we get to a point where we allow them on the News?

Someone said to me, “The pro-gun lobby makes some good points.” I had to laugh in their face and then apologize. They weren't wrong, even the NRA makes some good points, but those points are drown out by the incredibly stupid, “Well, Why Not?” points.

As far as lowering gun deaths while respecting legal gun owners property rights, the answer is simple. Get STOLEN guns off the street. If we had a crack down similar to the “War on Drugs” on STOLEN guns it would reduce gun violence in two ways.

STOLEN guns are used in most gun deaths. Cracking down on them would reduce gun deaths, that's a no brainer. Second, criminals break into houses to steal thing they can sell easily. A $6,000 AK-47 is a tempting target. Right now, a stolen one can fetch a high price. If you were a thief what would you take? 6,000 DVDs or a AK-47 if both brought the same price.

If a STOLEN gun brought the same response as an ounce of coke on the street, the market for STOLEN guns would get much smaller.

Not only wouldn't this cause an undue burden on legal gun owners. All they would have to do is report a stolen gun. It would make them safer as their gun collection would be less of a target.

So if you want to talk to me about a serious issue, gun violence or anything else, and don't want me to laugh in your face, don't say something so outrageous that it can only be backed up by, “Well, Why Not?”

By Darrell B. Nelson author of I KILLED THE MAN THAT WASN'T THERE

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Shut-up Stupid Sunday: Trolls

People like to rant about all the Trolls on the Internet, but do they remember what life was like before the Trolls moved on to message boards and X-Box live? I think not!

Traveling was horrible, having to stop constantly where a Troll was defending a bridge. Then having to answer no less than three questions, at least two of which were riddles. The delays were maddening.

The positive aspect of having the Trolls gather on the Internet could be seen as early as 1990. In 1986 Trolls unleashed a horrible attack on humans, the movie Troll. With humans reeling from that assault they tried to launch the death blow, Troll 2, however the Trolls had moved on to the early Usenet and Gopher based IRC and weren't available for the film. They had to use Goblins instead.

So to all those who complain about Troll gathering on the Internet, I say, “Shut-up Stupid. Having the Trolls on the Internet means we don't have to deal with them in the real world. We can freely cross bridges without having to answer questions. If the Trolls weren't busy on the Internet we might have to face the horror of all horrors, Troll 3!”

By Darrell B. Nelson author of I KILLED THE MAN THAT WASN'T THERE

Monday, January 21, 2013

Showgirls and Aliens: Chapter 1

I tried to think of a witty intro, but couldn't. Here is the first chapter of my soon to be released novel. SHOWGIRLS AND ALIENS

Showgirls and Aliens
Chapter 1: Snakes on a Stage

Nomi had no problem getting naked in front of the crowd. It was the snakes that bothered her.

Beneath her feet two dozen snakes appeared. A less devoted stripper might lose their rhythm, but she was a pro. Using her dancing skills she managed to gracefully high step and kick to the beat of Duran Duran's “Union of the Snake”, a song that was older than she was, avoiding the snakes.

A giant boa entered stage right. She glanced stage left to see if she could avoid it. The twenty-foot python made that a problem. How do I work this into my routine?

The crowd cheered when she ripped off her top. She wasn't the most endowed stripper at the club, but the crowd enjoyed her energy. She tossed her top stage left. It landed on the python covering its head. It laid down defeated.

One ringleader down. She only had to avoid the boa stage right, while stepping over its minions at her feet. If things weren't bad enough the song was halfway over. If I don't get naked soon I'll get a warning.

She smiled as she came up with a plan. The crowd cheered almost as loudly seeing her smile as they did seeing her boobs. Slipping out of her skirt, she flung it in a high arch so it landed on the boa. She hoped it would cover its head. The boa would be defeated like the python. The skirt landed perfectly on the boa but slipped halfway down its body.

The boa was swaying to the music wearing only her skirt. Unfortunately its routine was pretty good. I'm not losing tips to a snake.

She flung her gold g-string at it, which landed on the snake's head, making a perfect gold eye patch. There, no one is going to tip a pirate snake.

With the ringleaders taken care of, she only had to worry about the minions at her feet. She jumped up on the pole as high she could. Spinning down she had to focus on one spot or she would get dizzy. She choose the front table where two man sized reptiles were sipping their drinks. She couldn't help notice they had a stack of bills on the table so it was better to focus on that.

Nomi had spun down waist high on the pole when she noticed a problem. All the minion snakes had gathered at the bottom of the pole. They took up the all space for three feet around it. She couldn't do a normal dismount. She'd have to get some distance.

She had done a flying dismount from a pommel horse in gymnastics, but never from a pole. How different can it be other than my hands will be vertical, I'll be landing on a hard stage instead of padding, and the boa couldn't spot me if it tried. No arms.

Her abs strained as she swung up to grab the pole. Her forearms complained when she released her legs and used only her arms to swing horizontal. Then she let go and floated through the air. It didn't matter if she was stripping or competing, she always loved the feeling of free-fall. She came back to the present with her legs split, two feet above the stage. Not quite in the right position. Next to her the ghost of Patrick Swayze appeared. Would that be Sam Wheat?

“Pain don't hurt!” he said.

Half a second later her body confirmed that Swayze was wrong. Pain, by definition, does in fact hurt. She smiled through the pain and finished her split to the cheers of the crowd.

The snakes were coming after her. She wouldn't be able to recover from the split before they were on her. She remembered seeing a film about the snake charmers in India. It was worth a shot. She put her palms together, centered in front of her body and swung back and forth to the fading rhythm of the song.

The minion snakes mirrored her moves. The crowd was delighted at her swinging breasts. Even the python peeked out from her top to be enchanted.

The music stopped and the DJ's voice filled the air. “Give it up for Nomi. What a performance.”

The loud cheers spooked the snakes and they retreated to the back of the stage. That left her free to offer her thigh for the line of gentlemen, mostly human, to stuff bills in her garter. She felt the scaly hand of the reptile stick a bill on her inner thigh. Ugh.

Looking down at the bills Andrew Jackson winked at her. At least the reptile tips.

She gathered up her clothes and exited stage right. The next girl, Tara, paused on the steps.

“It will be tough to follow that.”

“You can do it.” Don't tell her about the snakes, she'll find out soon enough.


Dressed in her teasing work clothes and ready for anything, Nomi went back into the club. Meeting with the patrons could be good or bad. The high class club mostly attracted perfect gentlemen, that respectfully appreciated her teasing them. A few jerks came in from time to time, dealing with their insecurities by acting like the performers were trash. Like they didn't whore out their morals to make the money they tipped her. She didn't even want to think about the strange ones.

The guy with the blue glow that matched his tie seemed nice. The next guy, whose face was melting, just grunted when she thanked him. Hope his whole face melts off, serves him right.

Finally she had to thank the reptiles. Note to self, don't do acid before a performance again.

“I'm glad you enjoyed the show.” She knelt down next to the reptile who tipped her. At least she thought it was the one who tipped her, all reptiles looked alike to her. But, I'm not racist, or speciesist.

“You're quite the dancer. I'm Bob.” One eye focused on her while the other stared off ninety degrees.

“Would you like some company?” He might be cold blooded but at least he's not a jerk.

“I'd love some.” He pointed at the chair next to the other reptile. “Randi was commenting you are the most graceful one here.”

She took the hint and grabbed the chair next to Randi, or was it Randy? How do you tell a reptiles gender?

“Thank you,” she said to the reptile.

The second reptile spoke with a softer voice, “Do you do lap dances as well?”

“Sure, it's twenty topless, forty-five for fully nude.”

Bob grabbed a hundred from his stack. “I don't have change, so you'll just have to do two dances.”

She grinned at him. “I think I can deal with problems like that.”

Once Tara left the stage, Nomi stood up in front of the reptiles. She slid out of her top and put it on the chair. Who knows whats on the floor?

She leaned over Randi and gave a little jiggle. Both of her customers smiled. She slid out of her skirt and put it with her top, making sure to lean towards them. She threw her G-string on the pile.

Straddling Randi she looked away. What will the reptile's skin feel like?

The scales weren't rough like she feared, sliding down they had a slick feeling on her skin. It wasn't until she went to slide back up that the scales became a problem. As soon as she did she felt a sharp pain in her inner thigh.

After a minute she figured out how to slip and slide along Randi's body. Making full contact going with the scales pulling away to go back up. She made sure to keep eye contact. Staring at Randi's yellow eyes with a horizontal slit for an iris.

She glanced at Randi's forehead and wondered if she should maintain eye contact with the third, parietal eye as well. It's only photosensitive not capable of forming images, ignore it.

Soon Nomi found herself enjoying the lap dance, it was like rubbing up against soft leather. As long as she remembered to move right. She was a little disappointed when the second song was over.

“Thanks,” she told Randi, “That was fun.”

“Thanks yourself. You're a wonderful, um, dancer.”

“Here's a little tip.” Bob held out the hundred with a twenty. “Worth every penny.”

She walked over to hold out her leg so Bob could slid the bills in her garter. “Thanks, I've really have to be excused for a second, then it's my turn on stage. But if you want I'll be back after.”

Both reptiles nodded and Bob said, “We definitely want your company.”


Nomi finished up on the toilet and grabbed her purse. She opened it up and reached for the small mirror. A little piece of toilet paper stuck in the wrong spot makes a huge difference in tips. As she pulled the mirror out, a joint came with it, bounced off her leg and dropped into the bowl.

Shit, I need that to come down off the acid. Without it I'll be tweaking from midnight until morning. She thought about grabbing it, but that was too disgusting. I'll be paying Edgar a visit after work. Damn.

She composed herself and went out to do her routine, making sure to maintain eye contact with Bob and Randi. It was easier as the snakes had left. Halfway through the song a man in a black Trilby hat and black overcoat entered the club. Micheal Jackson called, he wants his hat back.

When she looked back over to the reptile table, Bob and Randi were gone.


“Nomi, I thought you were taken care of for the night?” Edgar smiled as he opened the door to his cheap apartment. “Or is this a social call?”

“You're sweet, but I wouldn't drive across town on acid for that? I'd hope you'd pick me up,” she said.

“You're a brave lady, come on in.”

Nomi crossed the living room and tried to ignore the stains on the walls that were morphing into caricatures of the cast of “Red Dawn”. She paused briefly to observe that Jennifer Grey looked better before her nose job. She took a seat on the couch that must have been rejected by Goodwill ten or twenty years earlier. She had to shift her weight as the spot where the reptile's scale brushed her leg was sore.

“I need something to bring me down later.”

“The one joint wasn't enough? No problem.” Edgar went over to the kitchenette.

“I lost it.”

“Bummer, I can give you a joint for five, or you could earn a twenty bag.” Edgar pointed at his crotch.

“Always the charmer. How desperate are you? Wanting head from a girl who's tweaking. I'd have a hard enough time imagining your little worm being tasty normally. Right now I'd probably think it was a real worm.”

“You're in for a surprise when you see it. But you're right it's probably a bad plan. Here you go.” He handed her the joint.

“You're a sweetheart.”

The apartment walls started to ripple and there was a pounding on the door. “Open up.”

“Damn, it's the Police,” Edgar said.

She looked at Edgar. “Don't stand so close to me.”


“Sorry, Every breath you take? Message in a Bottle?”

“Open up or we're coming in!” The voice boomed from the other side of the door.

“Don't say anything. Everything you say will be held against you.” Edgar went to the door.

“Christopher Walken.”

“Ick.” Edgar opened the door to see a man in a black Trilby hat and black overcoat. “Is there a problem?”

“A very large problem if you don't let me in.”

“Cops can't come in without a warrant.”

The man opened his overcoat to reveal a large crossbow slung across his chest. “It's a good thing I'm not with the Police.”

Hope you enjoyed it.

By Darrell B. Nelson author of I KILLED THE MAN THAT WASN'T THERE

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Evil Human Resource Dept.

In setting up an evil tyrannical organization there are many problems to overcome. Technical problems, tyrants tend to jail and kill mathematicians. Logistical problems, I talked about that a few weeks ago. X-Men vs. Van Halen.

One major problem Evil Organizations face is human resources. If your organization is dedicated to crushing the human spirit, it's tough to come up with ways to keep morale up.

STAR WARS shows two evil organizations (the Empire and Jabba the Hut's smuggling ring) each with different Human Resource problems. I realize they would need to come up with a different name as Human doesn't really fit.

The Empire's Human Resource Dept. was the factor that really led to it's downfall. The Personnel officer's were the most incompetent beings they could find. That is to be expected in an organization that doesn't believe in a person's worth and dignity, but they took it to a whole new level.

I can just imagine the conversation when the first Death Star became operational.

Tarkin: I've found a few potential weaknesses in the Death Star. A few squadrons of small fighters could threaten us. We have the resources of the entire Galaxy behind us. We could easily eliminate that threat with a few squadrons of Tie fighters. Call HR and get us some pilots.

Minion: I called HR and they are sending two battalions of Storm Troopers.

Tarkin: Can any of them fly?

Minion: No, just stand around looking intimidating.

Tarkin: What use could that be on the Death Star?

Minion: I have no idea, but that's what they are sending.

The same pattern happened when they noticed the heat vent was venerable and a carpenter with a sheet of plywood could stop the destruction, HR sent a battalion of Storm Troopers. The Empire's whole HR dept seemed to have the feeling whatever the request, send Storm Troopers.

Jabba's organization was the opposite, once someone was hired they seemed to go out of their way to make them fit into the organization.

Pod Racing was a way for Jabba to keep the masses from revolting, however it is a completely lame sport. So Jabba got the best announcer (Greg Proops and Scott Capurro) to spice it up. Star Wars fans will complain that their performance wasn't part of the original script and the commentary on the pod racing was just as nonsensical as the pod racing itself. The two improv actors wrote the comments themselves, but it's part of the Star Wars Universe now so I am sticking with it. To keep the masses in line Jabba got the best talent available.

Later in Return of the Jedi, we really got to see the HR dept work their tails off.

When Jabba hired C3PO as a translator droid. They could have just had him fill out his paperwork and be done with him, but they went the extra mile.

They gave him a full tour of the lair, pointing out where Jabba kept his pet Rancor, Sarlacc, and other things in the lair. They really wanted him to be comfortable in his new home.

Same thing with Leia dressed as a bounty-hunter. They showed her Han Solo frozen in Carbonite and how to work the controls, they really wanted the new hires to feel at home.

The only real problem with Jabba's HR dept was they weren't that good on doing background checks. That was a major weakness.

If the Empire and Jabba were to work on improving their Human Resource Dept, have the Empire's HR do more than just send Storm Troopers for every request, and teach Jabba's people how to do a proper background check, the Rebels never would have defeated them.

By Darrell B. Nelson author of I KILLED THE MAN THAT WASN'T THERE

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Weird Writing Problem

I'm in the final editing stages of SHOWGIRLS AND ALIENS and I've run into a really weird problem. People are liking the stuff I'm weak at more than the stuff I'm strong at. Really weird.

When I started writing SHOWGIRLS AND ALIENS I wanted to try my hand at action writing, I've got some friends who are really great at it. I knew I couldn't be as good as them so I wrote a comedy filled with action. I know I can do humor. I've done this before, in AN EXTRA TOPPING OF HORROR the last third of the book was sheer action comedy. The comedy covering up my choppy action writing.

I figured I could do the same with SHOWGIRLS AND ALIENS it is the sequel sort of, so what could go wrong?

My first draft's action was a bit choppy, the comedy was gold and somehow the characters were great. So I really worked on getting the action scenes up to par. Somehow I overdid it, the book is a comedy, the number one principal I had when writing and editing it was every scene had to be funny. Slapstick, dark humor, or satire they can all be used to influence the pacing. The second thing I insisted on was the characters had to be interesting in their own world. Even the secondary characters. The action was never supposed to be a selling point.

My second round of readers are in love with the action scenes and feel the comedy takes away from the action. I can't take all the credit for readers liking the actions scenes, I did get a few great action writers to help me polish those scenes, but it surprises me that people are liking the action more than the comedy.

If nothing else it was a great learning experience. I don't have to shy away from action anymore.

By Darrell B. Nelson author of I KILLED THE MAN THAT WASN'T THERE

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Shut-up Stupid Sunday: Special FX Guys

Tonight I'm going to watch the Rifftrax version of THE AVENGERS.

I saw the straight version already as well as the individual heroes movies that led up to it. That made me remember one thing that really made it stand out from the others. The lack of the “Aren't we great special effects guys” scene.

Ever since STAR TREK: The Motion Picture, which had the special effects guys do a scene showing the rebuilt Enterprise for what I think was three and half days, at least that's what it felt like, special effects heavy films have put in a long scene that shows off how great the special effects guys are.

In the past this was annoying, now it is pointless. The most pointless time was in CAPTAIN AMERICA.

My vision isn't the greatest, so some people might disagree, but in CAPTAIN AMERICA there was a long scene that was just a skinny guy doing normal stuff in front of a crazy camera man. If it weren't for the crazy camera work I'd think they forgot to turn off the camera. It wasn't until the scene was over that I realized, that was the “Aren't we great special effects guys” scene.

I had to say, “Yes you are great special effects guys, if you hadn't pointed it out I wouldn't know it was special effects.”

Later, after he changed into Captain America, they ran another scene like that. Again if it weren't for them pointing it out I wouldn't have noticed.

In THE AVENGERS, I don't remember any blatant “Aren't we great special effects guys” scenes. I remember special effects, but they were part of the story.

After 40 years of special effects work playing major parts of movies, special effects have reached the point where they aren't “special”. They are as normal as sound or color. These things can be done bad, and when they are they are really noticeable, but when they are done right it's just a way to get the viewer into the story. Special effects should be treated the same way.

So to any director that thinks about putting a “Aren't we great special effects guys” scene in their movie, I say, “Shut-up Stupid. The art of special effects has advanced to the point where if the special effects guys are really good we don't notice that it is special effects, so that scene is pointless. If the special effects guys aren't that good, that scene will point it out. Either way that scene now just takes the viewer out of the story.”

By Darrell B. Nelson author of I KILLED THE MAN THAT WASN'T THERE