Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Mama Mia (A straight guy’s review.)

Years ago I ran a movie review web site, but for some unknown reason everyone who hosted it got complaints leading them to shut it down. Who knew some people would get offended by a picture of Jesus on the cross with the caption “Hamme(red)” on my review of “The Passion of the Christ”?
I recently felt the urge to write another review. “Dark Knight” was still to crowded, so I thought I’d watch “Mama Mia” and review it.
As my wife and I left my house to head to the Movie Theater a blindingly bright light appeared on my lawn and an older version of myself materialized naked in front of us. He was obviously weakened by his travels and used all his energy to give me this speech.
“I don’t have much time, I was able to use all the energy on Earth in order to bend the timeline back on itself so that I could give you this warning.
“Don’t go see ‘Mama Mai.’
“I’ll be dragged back to my own time now, which has nearly destroyed by my using this machine to get you this message. And I will probably be executed for causing its destruction… but it is worth it as long as you don’t see that movie.”
The older version of me popped out of existence before I could ask him pressing questions about the future like, “Does Ewe Boll ever win an Oscar?”
I thought about the advise that my older self gave me, and decided to ignore it. It was probably just a practical joke, I’ve been known to do things like that. Also I didn’t like how my wife stared at his naked package.
So we continued on to our car.
As I drove to the theater, several mid-sized cars surrounded us then cut us off bringing so to halt. I rolled down the window to yell at them but a redheaded guy jumped out of the lead car and ran over to us.
“We are the Molly Maguires, We’ve come oot of our 200 year hiding to warn ye aboot seeing that movie: ‘Mama Mia’”
Before I could think of a suitable reply, several black sedans pulled up and started shooting at them.
“Aye Shite, It’s the Illuminati! Our cover’s blown.” The man screamed. “But if it keeps ye from seeing that Movie, it’s worth it.”
Luckily having the forces of evil shooting at them made them clear the road so we could proceed to the theater.
As we pulled into the parking lot of the theater, Jack Bauer from the series “24” approached us and said. “I’ve no time to explain, but it is critical that you don’t watch ‘Mamma Mia’. The fate of the free world depends on it!”
“Ah, aren’t you a fictional character?” I asked.
Jack looked sheepishly at the ground, then disappeared.
“Maybe we should take his advise.” My wife said.
“Yeah, there could be bomb in the theater.” I said. “We should go to the one across town.”
So we got in the car and left.
Driving across town, hundreds of flying cows landed in front of the car and refused to leave no matter how much I honked the horn.
The lead cow came up to my window and said. “The beings that you know as cows are actually aliens sent by the Galactic Council to keep the Reptile Race in check. We needed to break our cover in order to warn you not to see ‘Mamma Mia’”
As I took her words in, the by-standers transformed from people into Reptiles and started attacking the alien cows. An incredible battle broke out between the Reptiles and the Alien Cows leaving scores dead and demolishing a good portion of the city.
A few blocks from the theater we were stopped once again. This time by a gang of penguins. We were approached by the lead penguin.
“I like pilot fish.” He said. “And as leader of the penguin mob, I shall do everything in my power to make sure you do not see ‘Mamma Mia’”
He then turned to face the rest of the penguins and yelled. “Hit it.”
The penguin mob did a lovely chorus line production of “Putting on the Ritz”.
Halfway through their production a mob of horny seals showed up and the penguins broke formation and started running away. The lead penguin turned to us and said. “Everything but be raped by a seal.” And he waddled off at full speed.
This cleared the road and we were able to make it to the theater.
As we went from our car to theater we passed an alley where two adorable kittens were playing. They were so cute we had to go over and get a closer look. Not far from the kittens were two pieces of string so we grabbed them and used them to play with the kittens.
Eventually the kittens mother showed up and they pranced off. We noticed that it was now to late to see the movie.
So unfortunately I will not be able to give you a review of “Mamma Mia”. Next week, If I don’t get distracted by more kittens, I will bring you a review of “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2”.

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