Catspiracy Purrsday

The horror!

Evil Minions have taken over my work bench.

By Darrell B. Nelson author of I KILLED THE MAN THAT WASN'T THERE

Conspiracy Caturday

Although I haven't blogged about it in a while I've still been fighting the Catspiracy when I can. Today I launched a devastating blow against it. I got this idea for the attack as I tripped over the bags of cans that had built up in the kitchen. My wife suggested that I take them to the recycling center for cash, but that is a half hour drive one way and I'm too lazy to do that.

On the other hand my allies in the fight against the Catspiracy, The Central KY Humane Society, are only three blocks away. I figured they could use the $20 that the cans are worth, to fight the conspiracy by finding the cats a good home.

They told me not only would they take the cans, but if I needed a friend to join me on my morning walks they have plenty of dogs that would love to volunteer.

So take that catspiracy, I have found a way to fight you while saving myself an hour trip and getting some new friends to walk with.

While I was there I observed how they are training puppies to save us from the coming tennis ball invasion:

Those Tennis Balls don't stand a chance.

By Darrell B. Nelson author of I KILLED THE MAN THAT WASN'T THERE

Evil Minion Monday: Solar Trap 2

With winter right around the corner the Evil Minions have been picketing my back door in protest over the fact that their Solar Powered room is broken. Over the summer it rotted a bit and when I bumped into it with a cabinet I had made it fell to pieces.

Hoping to make the protests subside I built them a new one. This one addressed some of the problems I found with the old one.

The old one had just one small opening that led to the porch. During a snowstorm last winter a Minion got trapped inside. My wife heard it’s cries and went out and saved it but hopefully I can avoid that happening this year.

I had also intended it to hold only one or two minions, one day last winter it got into the single digits and when I went out their were five evil minions in a cuddle puddle inside.

In the spring one of the minions had kittens and the solar room became their play area, but there isn’t much room to play.

So for the Solar Powered Minion Trap 2.0 I addressed all these problems.

I made it two rooms so the minions could have more fun. For the base I made a frame out of old plywood with a hole in the bottom so if it snows the minions can go underneath and get out under the porch. I also cut a hole in the back so the heat from the first room will heat the second.

I built a frame around the window and they had the first room.

I built a box with another window on top.

Then I put the two together next to the porch and the minions now have a place to hang out this winter.

By Darrell B. Nelson author of Invasive Thoughts

Trapped in my house again

Once again I am trapped in my house. This time because two fierce felines are blocking my back door.

They are definitely too mean to tangle with.

Oh, that and it’s hot as hell out.


By Darrell B. Nelson author of Invasive Thoughts

Evil Minion Caturday: Spring Edition

We’ve recently had a record amount of rain here. The neat thing is that now plants are blooming like crazy. Even some I don’t remember planting, like I would have thought I’d remember planting some Evil Minions:

Evil Minions in Bloom

Evil Minion Monday: Mac Rumors

Steve Jobs has announced that Apple Inc will be unveiling a new product at Macworld 2010. Rumors are flying around as to what it might be, so I would be remiss not to start my own.

On Wednesday Apple will introduce to the world the iKitten:

The iKitten will completely change the way you interact with cats.

At first it will be launched with only consumer applications, or purrs, but it will allow for 3rd party purrs to be added on which will allow it to work in business settings.

It’s expected that after having an iKitten you will wonder how you ever lived without it.

Building the Purrfect Trap II: Snow Version

Last fall I built a trap for the Evil Minions that spy on me when I’m working in my office.

It worked purrfectly on sunny days but was less effective on cloudy days. Then when it snowed recently it wasn’t used at all.

As a result the Evil Minions started spying on me again, this time with laser eyes.

I realize I’d need a new trap for cold snowy nights so I built another one. In this version I will employ the tactics of Judo and used my enemies own power against them.

I had a small Styrofoam cooler that was sent to me when I bought meat online, so I cut a hole in one end for the minions to enter, taped the lid shut and put some weight on top of it to keep it from blowing away.

This version should use the minions own body heat to keep it warm inside and since it is well insulated they will sleep toasty warm when it’s below freezing out.

Merry Christmas Minions

Hello Mommy of the little Minions

Where are the little Minions, today?
They're all tucked in waiting for Santa Paws.

The Evil Minions want to wish everyone a

Merry Christmas!

Catspiracy Purrsday: Attack of the Minions

I was working in my office and thought a minion might be secretly spying on me.

Possible Minion Spy

So I went outside to check.

It turned out to be a trap.

Minion Trap

Before I knew it they were treading on me and I had my lap blundered.

More Minions

Then two of them started clunking their heads against me. The horror.

Evil Minion Monday: Spies in Training

There is a new generation of Evil Minions and they are being taught how to spy on me.

Spy training

I will have to keep an eye on this one. It looks like it will grow up to be a very powerful evil minion.

Catspiracy Purrsday: The unstoppable weapon of mass cuteness

In researching the Catspiracy, the evil plan for cats to take over the world by cuteness. I came across this scary picture on “The Meow Diaries”.

It’s plain to see the cats have upped their cuteness assault and it would be nearly impossible to resist picking this little cuteness weapon up and giving it a big hug. Even knowing that it would surely unleash its mind control and plunder my lap in second after I picked it up, I still would be powerless to resist. An unsuspecting human would fall for this in a second.

Just a quick note on other evil minions. With the cold snap that the nation is experiencing the evil minions mind control grows stronger. It can be weakened by making sure they something to eat and clean water. On cold days the evil minions metabolism speeds up to fight the cold. If they don’t have enough food to deal with this increase they put it toward mind control. If they have a full belly they will find someplace to curl up and wait it out.

So make sure any outdoor evil minions have enough to eat and drink.

Evil Minions The Next Generation

Evil Minion Monday: Knock Knock

Knock-Knock

Who’s There?

Evil Minion

Evil Minion who?

Knock-Knock

Who’s There?

Evil Minion

Evil Minion who?

Knock-Knock

Who’s There?

Orange

Orange Who?

Orange you glad I didn’t say Evil Minion?

Catspiracy Purrsday: Fox news shows me my estimate of Minions was way off.

Ever since Tigger sent her evil minions to watch my house I’ve kept a close eye on them.

a mob of dozens of cats (Fox News Estimates)

I used what I thought was good a method of finding out how many of them there are. I counted them. By that method I estimated that there were 10 evil minions who watch me from my backyard.

100's of Cat Spies outside my window

But when I saw Fox’s handling of the recent Tea Party in Washington I found out this is not how to get a number for crowds.

Minion as far as the eye can see

Using a counting method similar to what I used DC Police said that roughly 4,000 people showed up.

Thousands of Minions

Fox reported that as 20,000 and showed footage of a rally that happened two months ago to back that up. Michelle Bachman (R-Crazytown) told them it was more like 40,000 and they began using that number.

So If I use this method of estimating the evil minions I have roughly 200 evil minions watching my house. (Number at the moment plus the Number two months ago X 10).

Nearly 200 Minions on my porch (M. Bachman estimate)

How will I survive with a crowd of 200 Evil Minions in my backyard?


Just a personal note: My first book “Invasive Thoughts” has been accepted so I will need to be spending some time with the copy editor and doing final revisions, at the same time my third book “The Setting Earth” is at the 49,000 word mark so I’m spending more time writing the final act, while I’m doing that I’ve got a bunch of ideas for my next book “The Pizza Diaries” that I’m talking to a director about. So I will probably not be blogging as much.
I’ll still do Shut-up Sunday since that is my most viewed, and Fantastic Future Friday as most of that research goes into my fiction, and of course I’ll keep everyone up to date on the Catspiracy, just maybe not 3 times a week.

Catspiracy Caturday: Building a Purrfect Winter Cat Trap

“If you know your enemy, and you know yourself victory is yours everytime.” General Zsu The art of War.

After studying the Evil Cat Minions for years, I have devised the purrfect trap.

In my observations I’ve noticed one thing that Cats find irresistible are window seats.

This minion couldn’t resist.

They also can’t resist the sun.

Minions repowering

Or my Back Porch.

Minions on Porch

So I have come up with a trap so evil that they won’t be able to resist.

An outdoor window seat in the sun next to my porch.

Cat trap

This trap should keep them mostly out of the wind and in the sun. This winter when it gets cold (here that means single digits) it should easily be 20 degrees warmer inside on sunny days. I’m sure they’d like more but the 20-degree difference will be enough to lure them in. Of course, if several cats fall into the trap it will be even warmer.

The most devious part about this trap is the cats can come and go and the most effective prison doesn’t have bars, it is formed in the prisoners mind.

The evil minions won’t even know that they are in my trap.

Update: I found a small problem with this minion trap and have made a second version that will work during snowstorms. Version 2

Catspiracy Purrsday: World Series Edition

Last night the Yankees won the World Series. I know from my investigations of the Catspiracy that cats have the world of Baseball in their little paws.

This horrifying picture shows evidence of who they supported:

Rocky

Image from Rocky the Guttercat

Evil Minion Monday: Post Halloween

The evil minions have all returned safe and sound from Halloween.

I was worried because I know cats get very nervous with all the kids running around, although our neighborhood had fewer kids on Halloween than on a normal school night.

I heard somewhere, possibly from the evil minions, that if an evil minion is hurt on Halloween their souls will haunt anyone who hasn't given them enough earrubs.

I don't want that happening to me.

Catspiracy Caturday: Alternative Energy Edition

The Catspiracy is getting bolder. An evil minion broke into my house yesterday.

Sneaky Minion

Either they have learned how to manipulate Space-Time so they can transport instantly to any point in the universe at will, or I left the back door open.

It was open when I checked later but that could have been from them trying to cover their tracks.

I had to save myself by distracting the minion with a bowl of milk.

Minion and Milk

The minion appeared as I was writing up my post on Alternative Energy so they were obviously trying to force me to adopt another form of Alternative Energy: Evil Minion Heating.

The Evil Minion showed me how by having a Minion plunder your lap you can stay comfortable with the heat lowered by several degrees.

Evil Minion Heating.

With an Evil Minion on your lap you will feel comfortable with your thermostat a few degrees colder in the winter. It is estimated that for every degree Fahrenheit you lower your thermostat you can save up to 5% on your heating bills.

So during the winter Evil Minion Heating is quite a powerful source of Alternative Energy.

Evil Minion Monday: Sending for Back-up

The Catspiracy has increased their pressure on me by sending for backup.

Backup Minions

I fear they may be building up to a full scale war.

Cat Commander

I don’t know how long I’d hold up in an assault led by a decorated Cat General

Cat General

I may be doomed to having my lap plundered and being forced to rub their ears, the horror.

Catspiracy Caturday: String Theory

It’s come to my attention that the cats are plotting something new, they are experimenting with the very fabric of Space-Time by exploring String Theory.

They obviously are learning to manipulate Cosmic Strings and practicing on smaller Strings:

Cat experimenting

They will soon master String Theory through these experiments:

More Cat experimentation:

And they can wrap up the universe and put it under their control:

Final Model