Evil Human Resource Dept.

In setting up an evil tyrannical organization there are many problems to overcome. Technical problems, tyrants tend to jail and kill mathematicians. Logistical problems, I talked about that a few weeks ago. X-Men vs. Van Halen.

One major problem Evil Organizations face is human resources. If your organization is dedicated to crushing the human spirit, it's tough to come up with ways to keep morale up.

STAR WARS shows two evil organizations (the Empire and Jabba the Hut's smuggling ring) each with different Human Resource problems. I realize they would need to come up with a different name as Human doesn't really fit.

The Empire's Human Resource Dept. was the factor that really led to it's downfall. The Personnel officer's were the most incompetent beings they could find. That is to be expected in an organization that doesn't believe in a person's worth and dignity, but they took it to a whole new level.

I can just imagine the conversation when the first Death Star became operational.

Tarkin: I've found a few potential weaknesses in the Death Star. A few squadrons of small fighters could threaten us. We have the resources of the entire Galaxy behind us. We could easily eliminate that threat with a few squadrons of Tie fighters. Call HR and get us some pilots.

Minion: I called HR and they are sending two battalions of Storm Troopers.

Tarkin: Can any of them fly?

Minion: No, just stand around looking intimidating.

Tarkin: What use could that be on the Death Star?

Minion: I have no idea, but that's what they are sending.

The same pattern happened when they noticed the heat vent was venerable and a carpenter with a sheet of plywood could stop the destruction, HR sent a battalion of Storm Troopers. The Empire's whole HR dept seemed to have the feeling whatever the request, send Storm Troopers.

Jabba's organization was the opposite, once someone was hired they seemed to go out of their way to make them fit into the organization.

Pod Racing was a way for Jabba to keep the masses from revolting, however it is a completely lame sport. So Jabba got the best announcer (Greg Proops and Scott Capurro) to spice it up. Star Wars fans will complain that their performance wasn't part of the original script and the commentary on the pod racing was just as nonsensical as the pod racing itself. The two improv actors wrote the comments themselves, but it's part of the Star Wars Universe now so I am sticking with it. To keep the masses in line Jabba got the best talent available.

Later in Return of the Jedi, we really got to see the HR dept work their tails off.

When Jabba hired C3PO as a translator droid. They could have just had him fill out his paperwork and be done with him, but they went the extra mile.

They gave him a full tour of the lair, pointing out where Jabba kept his pet Rancor, Sarlacc, and other things in the lair. They really wanted him to be comfortable in his new home.

Same thing with Leia dressed as a bounty-hunter. They showed her Han Solo frozen in Carbonite and how to work the controls, they really wanted the new hires to feel at home.

The only real problem with Jabba's HR dept was they weren't that good on doing background checks. That was a major weakness.

If the Empire and Jabba were to work on improving their Human Resource Dept, have the Empire's HR do more than just send Storm Troopers for every request, and teach Jabba's people how to do a proper background check, the Rebels never would have defeated them.

By Darrell B. Nelson author of I KILLED THE MAN THAT WASN'T THERE

Weird Writing Problem

I'm in the final editing stages of SHOWGIRLS AND ALIENS and I've run into a really weird problem. People are liking the stuff I'm weak at more than the stuff I'm strong at. Really weird.

When I started writing SHOWGIRLS AND ALIENS I wanted to try my hand at action writing, I've got some friends who are really great at it. I knew I couldn't be as good as them so I wrote a comedy filled with action. I know I can do humor. I've done this before, in AN EXTRA TOPPING OF HORROR the last third of the book was sheer action comedy. The comedy covering up my choppy action writing.

I figured I could do the same with SHOWGIRLS AND ALIENS it is the sequel sort of, so what could go wrong?

My first draft's action was a bit choppy, the comedy was gold and somehow the characters were great. So I really worked on getting the action scenes up to par. Somehow I overdid it, the book is a comedy, the number one principal I had when writing and editing it was every scene had to be funny. Slapstick, dark humor, or satire they can all be used to influence the pacing. The second thing I insisted on was the characters had to be interesting in their own world. Even the secondary characters. The action was never supposed to be a selling point.

My second round of readers are in love with the action scenes and feel the comedy takes away from the action. I can't take all the credit for readers liking the actions scenes, I did get a few great action writers to help me polish those scenes, but it surprises me that people are liking the action more than the comedy.

If nothing else it was a great learning experience. I don't have to shy away from action anymore.

By Darrell B. Nelson author of I KILLED THE MAN THAT WASN'T THERE

Shut-up Stupid Sunday: Special FX Guys

Tonight I'm going to watch the Rifftrax version of THE AVENGERS.

I saw the straight version already as well as the individual heroes movies that led up to it. That made me remember one thing that really made it stand out from the others. The lack of the “Aren't we great special effects guys” scene.

Ever since STAR TREK: The Motion Picture, which had the special effects guys do a scene showing the rebuilt Enterprise for what I think was three and half days, at least that's what it felt like, special effects heavy films have put in a long scene that shows off how great the special effects guys are.

In the past this was annoying, now it is pointless. The most pointless time was in CAPTAIN AMERICA.

My vision isn't the greatest, so some people might disagree, but in CAPTAIN AMERICA there was a long scene that was just a skinny guy doing normal stuff in front of a crazy camera man. If it weren't for the crazy camera work I'd think they forgot to turn off the camera. It wasn't until the scene was over that I realized, that was the “Aren't we great special effects guys” scene.

I had to say, “Yes you are great special effects guys, if you hadn't pointed it out I wouldn't know it was special effects.”

Later, after he changed into Captain America, they ran another scene like that. Again if it weren't for them pointing it out I wouldn't have noticed.

In THE AVENGERS, I don't remember any blatant “Aren't we great special effects guys” scenes. I remember special effects, but they were part of the story.

After 40 years of special effects work playing major parts of movies, special effects have reached the point where they aren't “special”. They are as normal as sound or color. These things can be done bad, and when they are they are really noticeable, but when they are done right it's just a way to get the viewer into the story. Special effects should be treated the same way.

So to any director that thinks about putting a “Aren't we great special effects guys” scene in their movie, I say, “Shut-up Stupid. The art of special effects has advanced to the point where if the special effects guys are really good we don't notice that it is special effects, so that scene is pointless. If the special effects guys aren't that good, that scene will point it out. Either way that scene now just takes the viewer out of the story.”

By Darrell B. Nelson author of I KILLED THE MAN THAT WASN'T THERE