As a public service I spent the morning looking at some of my favorite writers blogs. Many of you probably think that I was bored and couldn’t think of anything to write about. Many of you are absolutely correct.
However, I hope this little post gives you a place to start next time your bored and can’t think of something productive to do.
A writer I met over at Thisisby.us, Mike James is a frequent commentator at a little site called: And This is My America?
His writings are similar to my venting with a little more anger and a little less sillyness.
If you’re a geek like me and own the DVD of every Star Trek from the Original to Enterprise and have the tapes of every Mystery Science Theater 3000 known to exist, then you’ll love this guy.
He makes fun of all the classics. His site is still kind of new but it’s coming together nicely.
Bad News From Outer Space
If you’ve looked around the Internet for stories about either Atheism or Sex. Or stopped by any web site that pays for content then you’ve seen the writings of Kylyssa Shay. In fact if you want to find sites that pay for writing content just type her name into google, she is the goddess of content marketing. Some of her writings can be found at:
That Atheist Bitch
Naturally any list of my favorite blogs would be incomplete without mentioning Dr Larry Mitchell’s blogs. Besides TIBU2 and Loony Left Liberals that I contribute to he has a few other blogs.
For excellent Political Commentary that leaves you wondering why this guy isn’t over at the New York Times check out Wisco at Griper Blade.
For a mix of Politics and Science check out Grant Lawrence over at Bodhi Thunder
For a humorous look at life in general check out “I used to get paid for this”
Another blog from one of Thisisby.us Alum’s is Ricky Sparks
He’s a DJ with an interesting attitude on life.
Of course my favorite writer of all time, ever since I was in grade school, is myself. Is that egotistical? Probably. Do I care? No. Anyway besides my blog here, I contribute to TIBU2
And
Loony Left Liberals
So next time you want to check out a few writers there are a few to start with.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
Who will save us from “The Re-Boot”?
I am a huge horror film fan; I am also a huge Comic Book fan. One thing both these films have in common is the need for sequels. In the horror film realm these follow a predictable pattern.
The first film: This is a the low budget nightmare brought to film that some writer worked years on and lost friends and family to make, it has little pieces of insanity that only the writer knows the meaning of. The raw emotions of the actors are on display not because it was originally written that way, but because the set department had $14.63 to build the set where the characters motivation is discussed. It has a dark edgy feel because budget limitations force it to be shot in the dark after the actors have been up for 18 hours.
The first film either is a smash hit or total dud, if it’s a hit the sequel is made.
The Second Film: This one goes one of two ways, the remake or new storyline.
The remake: bigger budget, flasher scenes, less interesting plot. They look at a the ideas that the writer started to include but didn’t have a budget for and strip them out of the movie. The horror scenes are flashier but less imaginative.
These normally end up as a dud watched only by the fans of the series later.
The New Storyline: This is when magic is sometimes made. They grab an idea that was born in the first movie and run with it. When it works like in Friday the 13th Part 2 which introduced Jason coming back to life to seek revenge on the Camp Counselors who killed his mother while she was trying to kill them for letting him die. This odd little loop of illogic made the fact that he was unkillable easier to follow.
This New Storyline idea also brought us Amanda, the greatest female slasher ever, from the Sleepaway Camp Series.
The Third Film: The final (blank).
In the third film the original crew is back and they are going to kill off the maniac for good, once and for all. They find something previously unknown about the maniac that is his greatest weakness. They kill him off in a way that is final and he is never coming back.
The Fourth Film: After being killed in a way that prevents him from ever being resurrected, he comes back to life. There is no plot to this one just going from one scene of teenager hacking to the next.
The Series: Odd little trivia is thrown in to explain the maniac but it’s mostly just more teenager hacking.
The WTF: About the 7th or 8th outing a director trying to make a name for himself will take the series and twist it around so bad that you wonder if the series personally harmed his family in some way and this is his form of revenge.
With the Halloween series we got Michael Myers vs the Ninjas, starring Donald Pleasance long after he had been dead. I don’t mean flashbacks, they actually tried to take scenes and out takes from the other movies and act like he was part of the action.
With the Howling series we got Line-Dancing. I’m serious there was a Howling movie that was 90% line-dancing.
With Nightmare on Elm St, we got Freddy’s Dead. Where it’s revealed that Freddy wasn’t getting revenge on the people who killed him by killing their kids. He was seeking revenge on any kid who grew up on Elm St anywhere.
After the WTF installment the original writers and producers take a sudden cut in revenue from royalties as their older films aren’t in demand anymore.
To remedy this they bring back the original cast and make homage to what they thought was great about the series.
Halloween got Halloween H2O.
Nightmare on Elm St got New Nightmare
The Living Dead got Return of the Living Dead.
The idea of the is not to make a blockbuster film, but one that will bring back some respect to the good films of the series because this is where the series should end.
Unfortunately, Hollywood can’t let a great idea die with some dignity. They steal a page from the comic book films and do a reboot with the idea of starting the series over.
But it just never works.
Dawn of the Dead was quaint, Rob Zombie’s Halloween wasn’t as good as the poorly produced original, Texas Chainsaw Massacre was worse than the bad rip offs of the original.
So now Hollywood is releasing a reboot of the one series that didn’t need to be rebooted. Friday the 13th. In the series it was shown that Jason is unkillable, the only thing you can do to him immobilize him in some way, then run like hell.
All he is now is a killing machine with a mask and a machete, he can fit in anywhere. In Space like in Jason X, on Times Square in Jason takes Manhattan (I was disappointed that he didn’t go on Broadway in that one, I would have loved to see him in a chorus line).
All they need for a Friday the 13th film is to put him in an original setting (I’d like to see Jason in King Arthur’s Court) and have him be who he is: The Unstoppable force of Evil that can’t be conquered by a greater force. He can only be slowed down through great courage and trickery.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
An Apology to George W. Bush
Like most of the middle section of the country, I am stuck in an ice storm.
The freezing rain has placed nearly an inch of ice on the branches of the trees and they simply can’t hold the weight of the ice and are breaking off.
Unfortunately, I have an eighty-year-old maple tree in my front lawn that really doesn’t like the ice and is having a major branch fall off into the road or the driveway at a rate of at least one every 15 minutes, and I have to go move it out of the way.
Now I feel I owe George W. Bush an apology, for the last 8 years the principal thrust of his administration was dealing with encroaching brush. He personally spent 879 days of his Presidency removing brush the most any president has spent defending this nation against encroaching brush.
Sure during his time in office I and many others felt that spending one third of his time battling brush was extreme, only to see now that he was actually a visionary. While others worried about terrorism, global warming, the economy, and things like that, he knew that America’s real threat came from encroaching brush and he never let minor things like terrorist attacks, the financial meltdown, or hurricanes destroying a major American city, distract him from keeping us safe from encroaching brush.
Now, only one week after he has left office, my front lawn is filled with brush from my tree. It seems if I had only a little more faith in Bush’s brush clearing agenda I might have been safe.
Luckily, thanks to Bush’s economic policies of the last 8 years, I have plenty of free time on my hands to clear that brush since I, like many other people, don’t have a job to go to.
Monday, January 26, 2009
The Liberal Bias of the Dictionary.
An interesting thing has happened in the past week, I’ve heeded Obama’s advice and put aside the childish name calling and bickering when talking to my conservative friends and tried to understand what their positions are. It turns out, when I do that, having them try and explain their positions makes them madder than the childish name calling and bickering.
Take a simple position like Abortion. They should know why they are against it but all they say is: "Abortion is Murder".
Taking out the dictionary I see. Murder: the killing of another human being under conditions specifically covered in law.
The simple way to stop Abortion from being Murder is to have it be legal, then it is not murder and everyone is happy right.
It turns out that I am wrong, and they say, “That’s not what I meant”. So I go to the next definition.
Murder: Slang. something extremely difficult or perilous: That final exam was murder!
OK, I think we can agree on that, Abortion is so difficult we should have specialists, like maybe, doctors do it. Not done at home by a distraught teenager. So far we agree that it should be legal and preformed by a doctor.
Once again it turns out I am wrong, and they repeat, “That’s not what I meant”. So on to the next definition.
Murder: a group or flock of crows.
That doesn’t really get to nub of the matter. If they are that bad at biology we can save the conversation until they take 5th grade biology, it’s best to move along to the next definition.
Murder: to spoil or mar by bad performance, representation, pronunciation, etc.: The tenor murdered the aria.
This little problem can be solved by having doctors do the procedure, they are much less likely to murder an abortion than a distraught teenager.
Just when I think we have reached an agreement, they again say no.
Having run through the Nouns and Verbs I’m left with Idioms.
Get away with murder, Informal. to engage in a deplorable activity without incurring harm or punishment: The new baby-sitter lets the kids get away with murder.
The deplorable part is debatable, but what really catches my interest is the “Without incurring harm…” I want to know what doctor they know that can do an Abortion without incurring harm. All the chicks I know who have had one couldn’t have sex for two weeks, and because the muscles get scraped during the procedure they can’t even masturbate without pain.
I’m sure if a doctor came up with a method that avoided the harm part he would have a corner on the market.
Finally, out of definitions the Conservative has to rely on their old standby, “The dictionary has a liberal bias.”
-Project Savior
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Leprechaun vs. Aunt Jemima
With the election of Obama as the first black President, a lot of people are thinking racism will be dead and we will all mix to be a smushy off-white race with no distinctions.
Well I sure don’t want that. I want racism to go the way that anti-Irish sentiment went after JFK got elected. Nobody really hates the Irish anymore, but we non-Irish are proud of our traditions of hating the Irish.
The word Hooligan didn’t disappear from the English language, it just got morphed from meaning an Irish troublemaker to meaning any old troublemaker.
Hopefully the famous N-word will morph from referring to a Black guy who acts all ghetto, to anyone who acts ghetto. Unfortunately, we will lose the great words Whigger (A white guy who acts ghetto), Chigger (An Asian guy who acts ghetto) and the seldom seen Indigger (An Indian who acts ghetto).
Hopefully we can keep great terms like Nigger-rigged, (Putting something together quickly and cheaply using whatever stray materials are handy) like we kept the term Irish engineering (overbuilding something so much that it will last 10 times as long as you need it).
Although both those terms were once insults, once you get past the racial insult, it is actually a sort of praise.
I’m not sure any racial slurs can be turned around as much as the phrase “Luck of the Irish”. This originally referred to the little historical fact that Ireland was invaded by Rome but was to far away for them to properly Govern so they pretty much just sent the Roman Army through to slaughter the Irish off and on.
After Rome collapsed, the Vikings came through slaughtering the Irish from time to time.
For a little while they were at peace, then Henry VIII wanted a divorce, started Protestantism and had the English go through and slaughter the Irish for the next 500 years.
The term “Luck of The Irish” basically was the same as the term “If it weren’t for bad luck, we’d have no luck at all”.
Even though there has been a long history of Irish hatred in America we have put that behind us to the point that there was virtually no protest in 1993 over turning a symbol of Irish folklore into the worst movie series ever made “Leprechaun” starring Jennifer Aniston.
It is my sincere hope that in a few years we can put our history of racism behind us enough so there is no protesting when “Leprechaun vs. Aunt Jemima” is released.
On second thought that is a movie that needs to be protested.
Well I sure don’t want that. I want racism to go the way that anti-Irish sentiment went after JFK got elected. Nobody really hates the Irish anymore, but we non-Irish are proud of our traditions of hating the Irish.
The word Hooligan didn’t disappear from the English language, it just got morphed from meaning an Irish troublemaker to meaning any old troublemaker.
Hopefully the famous N-word will morph from referring to a Black guy who acts all ghetto, to anyone who acts ghetto. Unfortunately, we will lose the great words Whigger (A white guy who acts ghetto), Chigger (An Asian guy who acts ghetto) and the seldom seen Indigger (An Indian who acts ghetto).
Hopefully we can keep great terms like Nigger-rigged, (Putting something together quickly and cheaply using whatever stray materials are handy) like we kept the term Irish engineering (overbuilding something so much that it will last 10 times as long as you need it).
Although both those terms were once insults, once you get past the racial insult, it is actually a sort of praise.
I’m not sure any racial slurs can be turned around as much as the phrase “Luck of the Irish”. This originally referred to the little historical fact that Ireland was invaded by Rome but was to far away for them to properly Govern so they pretty much just sent the Roman Army through to slaughter the Irish off and on.
After Rome collapsed, the Vikings came through slaughtering the Irish from time to time.
For a little while they were at peace, then Henry VIII wanted a divorce, started Protestantism and had the English go through and slaughter the Irish for the next 500 years.
The term “Luck of The Irish” basically was the same as the term “If it weren’t for bad luck, we’d have no luck at all”.
Even though there has been a long history of Irish hatred in America we have put that behind us to the point that there was virtually no protest in 1993 over turning a symbol of Irish folklore into the worst movie series ever made “Leprechaun” starring Jennifer Aniston.
It is my sincere hope that in a few years we can put our history of racism behind us enough so there is no protesting when “Leprechaun vs. Aunt Jemima” is released.
On second thought that is a movie that needs to be protested.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
That’s What he Said.
I just read Madame Isis’s excellent post: Where she deciphers chickspeak for guys.
One thing I’ve noticed is girls don’t always understand mantalk either so in my own humble way I will try to translate the things guys say into what they really mean.
What a guy means when he first meets you.
“Do you want to go someplace and talk?”
This means: Let’s have sex, talk if you must and the going someplace private is optional.
“Nice shirt, (dress, pants, ect.)”
This means: Can you please take it off so I can have sex with you?
“So, what brings you here tonight?”
This means: Thanks for showing up, now let’s go have sex.
“Hi”
This means: I want to have sex with you.
During the relationship.
“I want to be left alone.”
This means: I want sex but I’m tired of talking, so could you please put your mouth to good work.
“I love your sense of humor.”
This means: I want sex.
“Did you want to watch a movie?”
This means: Let’s watch some porn and then have sex.
“Do you want to be left alone?”
This means: Can I film you masturbating?
“Hi”
This means: I want sex.
When the guy is breaking up with you.
“I never want to see you again.”
This means: I never want to talk to you again. Just silently get naked so we can have sex and then leave.
“We can still be friends.”
This means: We can still have sex, we just won’t see each other with our clothes on.
“I’m seeing someone else.”
This means: Are you up for a threeway?
“I can’t stand to see you anymore?”
This means: I only want to do you doggy style.
“Hi”
This means: Want to have sex?
After you’ve been broken up for a while.
“How have you been?”
This means: Have you learned any new sex tricks you’d like to show me?
“My new girlfriend is great?”
This means: Can you talk her into a threeway?
“Hi”
This means: Want to have sex?
As you can see guys have a very complicated code they use when speaking to chicks. If any women out there have had guys say something to them that they are not sure what it means just ask me and I’ll try and translate it for you.
One thing I’ve noticed is girls don’t always understand mantalk either so in my own humble way I will try to translate the things guys say into what they really mean.
What a guy means when he first meets you.
“Do you want to go someplace and talk?”
This means: Let’s have sex, talk if you must and the going someplace private is optional.
“Nice shirt, (dress, pants, ect.)”
This means: Can you please take it off so I can have sex with you?
“So, what brings you here tonight?”
This means: Thanks for showing up, now let’s go have sex.
“Hi”
This means: I want to have sex with you.
During the relationship.
“I want to be left alone.”
This means: I want sex but I’m tired of talking, so could you please put your mouth to good work.
“I love your sense of humor.”
This means: I want sex.
“Did you want to watch a movie?”
This means: Let’s watch some porn and then have sex.
“Do you want to be left alone?”
This means: Can I film you masturbating?
“Hi”
This means: I want sex.
When the guy is breaking up with you.
“I never want to see you again.”
This means: I never want to talk to you again. Just silently get naked so we can have sex and then leave.
“We can still be friends.”
This means: We can still have sex, we just won’t see each other with our clothes on.
“I’m seeing someone else.”
This means: Are you up for a threeway?
“I can’t stand to see you anymore?”
This means: I only want to do you doggy style.
“Hi”
This means: Want to have sex?
After you’ve been broken up for a while.
“How have you been?”
This means: Have you learned any new sex tricks you’d like to show me?
“My new girlfriend is great?”
This means: Can you talk her into a threeway?
“Hi”
This means: Want to have sex?
As you can see guys have a very complicated code they use when speaking to chicks. If any women out there have had guys say something to them that they are not sure what it means just ask me and I’ll try and translate it for you.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Project Savior's Dating Advice 5 How to act on a Date.
Rule #1: Chicks love a confident guy
Let her know that she’s lucky to go out with a guy like you. Go out your way to remind her of this.
1a: Show up fashionably late, you need to show her you’ve got things going on in your life that are more important than her.
1b: Let her know you’re an important person, brag about all your accomplishments, and make sure to go into every detail.
1c: Bring your cell phone and have your friends all call you when you’re on a date. Pretend they you’re business associates and berate them loudly. Make sure to use the word “Cunt” Loudly and often.
1d: Let her know you’re more important than the people around you, be sure to yell at your waiter. Whatever you do don’t tip them.
1f: Don’t forget to remind her that she’s probably never been on a date with a guy as great as you, mention this often.
Rule #2: Be yourself.
2a: If you like to sit around in your soiled and blood stained underwear at home, then by all means wear them on your date.
2b: You don’t hold your gas back at home, so don’t bother to on your date.
2c: When alone you check out every girl with in eyeshot, so do it blatantly on your date. She’ll appreciate your honesty.
2d: Having a stuffy nose is uncomfortable so be sure to pick it often and flick the bugers in any random direction.
2e: If you have an itch under your soiled and bloodstained underwear, by all means scratch it right there. She’ll want you to be comfortable.
2f: You do want to look good, so make sure to comb yourself at the table. Bring it one step farther and shave during dinner, splash on some “Tan in a Can”.
2g: Be comfortable, take your shoes and socks off and put your feet up on the table.
Rule #3: Be funny. Chicks love a guy with a sense of humor.
3a: Smoke lots weed before the date. Weed makes you funnier. To prove this: Tell your silliest and corniest jokes into a tape recorder. Play it back once when you’re clean and once when you’re stoned, you’ll see that you sound funnier when you’re stoned. If you really want to be funny bring a tank of Nitrous Oxide.
3b: The goal of the date is sex, so tell lots of graphic sex jokes. Order the Kielbasa for her and steal her silverware, then make dick jokes as she eats it.
3c: Make fun of her clothes (especially her shoes), She’ll appreciate your ability to improvise.
3d: Play with her earrings, tell her it looks like a panda on a swing, even if it doesn’t she can’t see.
Rule #4: Be Romantic
4a: Maintain eye contact at all times, If possible don’t blink.
4b: Take cheek to cheek dancing one step further with nose to nose dancing. (Remember to maintain eye contact.)
4c: Let her know you’re a natural romantic. Give her a single red rose (romantic) that still has the thorns on it (natural).
4d: Show her love is forever, give her a 20 year old box of chocolates.
4e: Speak to her in a foreign language; memorize Hitler’s Nuremburg speech.
Rule #5: Girls like to know you care what other people think.
Have all your friends and family stop by at the date, tell them to bring score cards (0-5 scale of course.)
Rule #6: Girls like a popular guy,
Bring a date to your date.
Rule #7: It’s all up to the girl to ensure the date goes good.
Every girl is trained from birth how to make sure a date goes well so if the date goes badly then as a guy you can’t be the reason, it must be her fault. Ask her why she is sabotaging your date. If she says any of it is your fault, she’s just trying deflect the blame away from herself, don’t let her.
Let her know that she’s lucky to go out with a guy like you. Go out your way to remind her of this.
1a: Show up fashionably late, you need to show her you’ve got things going on in your life that are more important than her.
1b: Let her know you’re an important person, brag about all your accomplishments, and make sure to go into every detail.
1c: Bring your cell phone and have your friends all call you when you’re on a date. Pretend they you’re business associates and berate them loudly. Make sure to use the word “Cunt” Loudly and often.
1d: Let her know you’re more important than the people around you, be sure to yell at your waiter. Whatever you do don’t tip them.
1f: Don’t forget to remind her that she’s probably never been on a date with a guy as great as you, mention this often.
Rule #2: Be yourself.
2a: If you like to sit around in your soiled and blood stained underwear at home, then by all means wear them on your date.
2b: You don’t hold your gas back at home, so don’t bother to on your date.
2c: When alone you check out every girl with in eyeshot, so do it blatantly on your date. She’ll appreciate your honesty.
2d: Having a stuffy nose is uncomfortable so be sure to pick it often and flick the bugers in any random direction.
2e: If you have an itch under your soiled and bloodstained underwear, by all means scratch it right there. She’ll want you to be comfortable.
2f: You do want to look good, so make sure to comb yourself at the table. Bring it one step farther and shave during dinner, splash on some “Tan in a Can”.
2g: Be comfortable, take your shoes and socks off and put your feet up on the table.
Rule #3: Be funny. Chicks love a guy with a sense of humor.
3a: Smoke lots weed before the date. Weed makes you funnier. To prove this: Tell your silliest and corniest jokes into a tape recorder. Play it back once when you’re clean and once when you’re stoned, you’ll see that you sound funnier when you’re stoned. If you really want to be funny bring a tank of Nitrous Oxide.
3b: The goal of the date is sex, so tell lots of graphic sex jokes. Order the Kielbasa for her and steal her silverware, then make dick jokes as she eats it.
3c: Make fun of her clothes (especially her shoes), She’ll appreciate your ability to improvise.
3d: Play with her earrings, tell her it looks like a panda on a swing, even if it doesn’t she can’t see.
Rule #4: Be Romantic
4a: Maintain eye contact at all times, If possible don’t blink.
4b: Take cheek to cheek dancing one step further with nose to nose dancing. (Remember to maintain eye contact.)
4c: Let her know you’re a natural romantic. Give her a single red rose (romantic) that still has the thorns on it (natural).
4d: Show her love is forever, give her a 20 year old box of chocolates.
4e: Speak to her in a foreign language; memorize Hitler’s Nuremburg speech.
Rule #5: Girls like to know you care what other people think.
Have all your friends and family stop by at the date, tell them to bring score cards (0-5 scale of course.)
Rule #6: Girls like a popular guy,
Bring a date to your date.
Rule #7: It’s all up to the girl to ensure the date goes good.
Every girl is trained from birth how to make sure a date goes well so if the date goes badly then as a guy you can’t be the reason, it must be her fault. Ask her why she is sabotaging your date. If she says any of it is your fault, she’s just trying deflect the blame away from herself, don’t let her.
Project Savior's Dating Advice Part 4: The first Date.
If you’ve followed parts 1-3 you should have your dream girl eating out of the palm of your hand so make sure to take her on a first date she’ll never forget. (Not without intensive therapy, anyway.)
Chicks dig it when a guy is relaxed and happy on a date so do something that makes you happy.
Some ideas for a first date:
Working together towards a common goal brings people together.
If you’re remodeling your home, this would be a great time to work on the bathroom, make sure to prep the bathroom before the date by turning off the water and removing the old toilet. Then pick her up and take her to the hardware store with you to pick out the new toilet. (Chicks love shopping) Then when you get home the two of you can have hours of fun by installing the new toilet. And if you have any time left now would be a good time to work on the tiles.
A good idea is to have plenty of alcohol ready to give her while the water is off and you don’t have a working toilet. You’ll be surprised at how quick she will work to get the toilet working after a couple beers.
Chicks love meeting new people.
If she doesn’t know any of your friends this is a great time to introduce her to them, and their hobbies.
A great first date idea is to have all your friends come over to smoke weed and clean their gun collections. You’ll be surprised how close she will cling to you if she is in a house full of stoned strangers who are waving guns around.
Chicks can confuse adrenaline for love.
It has been shown that if a girl does something that gets her heart racing she will respond more amorously to men around her. So do something that will get her heart racing, like drag racing.
Surprise her by picking her up and don’t say where you are going, when you turn the corner and are at the starting line of a street race it will leave her speechless.
As you race the other car make sure to do stuff that will raise her heart rate, like drive into oncoming traffic and through construction zones. Also make sure to do several high speed fishtails.
Everyone likes games.
Show her how good you are on the Playstation, Play a Single Player first person shooter or baseball games while she watches. You want to show her how good you are so make sure to stay very focused on the game and tune out any distractions, like what she is saying to you and stuff.
Wine and Dine her.
Chicks love to be taken out to dinner, but if you spend too much on the first date she might think you are trying to buy your way into her pants. Luckily, there are plenty of places you can get her a great dinner for free.
Check the obituaries for wakes and viewings. They serve a whole buffet and the food is top-notch, It is a good idea to learn the corpse’s name before going, though.
Spanish Catholic Mass, Great Spanish food and they will give you a sip of wine. They say something in some language as you are drinking but its not like it will damn your eternal soul if you don’t know what they are saying.
Chicks love a picnic.
So go to a pick your own tomato place, half way down a row stop and have a picnic of tomatoes. You don’t want it look like your trying to buy her love, so leave your wallet at home and ask if she can cover the 2 Bucks or so that the remaining tomatoes cost. Then go for a long drive, if she gets hungry refuse to let her eat any of your tomatoes.
Chicks love guys who are in good shape.
Take her with you to your annual physical.
Chicks like a guy who is open minded.
Take her to a Sex Change consultation with you.
Enter her in a wet t-shirt contest.
Everyone loves a competition.
Go to a place Chicks like.
To find out what chicks like, find a place where the girls out numbers guys.
Some examples are:
A strip club at opening, lots of girls and only a male bartender and DJ.
A lesbian bar.
Chicks dig it when a guy is relaxed and happy on a date so do something that makes you happy.
Some ideas for a first date:
Working together towards a common goal brings people together.
If you’re remodeling your home, this would be a great time to work on the bathroom, make sure to prep the bathroom before the date by turning off the water and removing the old toilet. Then pick her up and take her to the hardware store with you to pick out the new toilet. (Chicks love shopping) Then when you get home the two of you can have hours of fun by installing the new toilet. And if you have any time left now would be a good time to work on the tiles.
A good idea is to have plenty of alcohol ready to give her while the water is off and you don’t have a working toilet. You’ll be surprised at how quick she will work to get the toilet working after a couple beers.
Chicks love meeting new people.
If she doesn’t know any of your friends this is a great time to introduce her to them, and their hobbies.
A great first date idea is to have all your friends come over to smoke weed and clean their gun collections. You’ll be surprised how close she will cling to you if she is in a house full of stoned strangers who are waving guns around.
Chicks can confuse adrenaline for love.
It has been shown that if a girl does something that gets her heart racing she will respond more amorously to men around her. So do something that will get her heart racing, like drag racing.
Surprise her by picking her up and don’t say where you are going, when you turn the corner and are at the starting line of a street race it will leave her speechless.
As you race the other car make sure to do stuff that will raise her heart rate, like drive into oncoming traffic and through construction zones. Also make sure to do several high speed fishtails.
Everyone likes games.
Show her how good you are on the Playstation, Play a Single Player first person shooter or baseball games while she watches. You want to show her how good you are so make sure to stay very focused on the game and tune out any distractions, like what she is saying to you and stuff.
Wine and Dine her.
Chicks love to be taken out to dinner, but if you spend too much on the first date she might think you are trying to buy your way into her pants. Luckily, there are plenty of places you can get her a great dinner for free.
Check the obituaries for wakes and viewings. They serve a whole buffet and the food is top-notch, It is a good idea to learn the corpse’s name before going, though.
Spanish Catholic Mass, Great Spanish food and they will give you a sip of wine. They say something in some language as you are drinking but its not like it will damn your eternal soul if you don’t know what they are saying.
Chicks love a picnic.
So go to a pick your own tomato place, half way down a row stop and have a picnic of tomatoes. You don’t want it look like your trying to buy her love, so leave your wallet at home and ask if she can cover the 2 Bucks or so that the remaining tomatoes cost. Then go for a long drive, if she gets hungry refuse to let her eat any of your tomatoes.
Chicks love guys who are in good shape.
Take her with you to your annual physical.
Chicks like a guy who is open minded.
Take her to a Sex Change consultation with you.
Enter her in a wet t-shirt contest.
Everyone loves a competition.
Go to a place Chicks like.
To find out what chicks like, find a place where the girls out numbers guys.
Some examples are:
A strip club at opening, lots of girls and only a male bartender and DJ.
A lesbian bar.
Project Savior's Dating Advice Part 3 Asking her out.
After following the steps outlined in Parts 1 & 2, she should know your interested in her and be hoping you’ll ask her out, so don’t disappoint her.
Find out the Cost to Reward ratio before taking her out. The easiest way to do this is with this question: “Are you gonna put out?”
If no then you should spend the same amount on the date, nothing. In fact this would be a good time to break up, so use a line like: “I’m going back to my Mother-Sister, she’s a better lay.” With this line you don’t have to worry about her stalking you.
If Yes: You need to find out more before deciding if you should do something that you’ll enjoy or something she’ll enjoy. So ask this question:
“Do you have a friend who will lick my balls while I do you wheel-barrel style?”
If No Then the date should be something you enjoy like dressing up in a wizard hat and robe and casting a level 13 spell turning her into a beautiful woman.
If Yes: You still need more information “Can I have a film crew film us as I cover you in Crunchy Peanut Butter and have all your female friends lick it off?”
If she says no to this, Then there is some detail about this plan that she is objecting to; so ask follow up questions.
“How about creamy peanut butter?”
“Jam?”
“Fluffer Nutter?”
By asking these questions you can find out what she doesn’t like about the plan now, instead of during filming.
If she agrees then you should proceed with one the more special dates I will outline in my later installments.
Find out the Cost to Reward ratio before taking her out. The easiest way to do this is with this question: “Are you gonna put out?”
If no then you should spend the same amount on the date, nothing. In fact this would be a good time to break up, so use a line like: “I’m going back to my Mother-Sister, she’s a better lay.” With this line you don’t have to worry about her stalking you.
If Yes: You need to find out more before deciding if you should do something that you’ll enjoy or something she’ll enjoy. So ask this question:
“Do you have a friend who will lick my balls while I do you wheel-barrel style?”
If No Then the date should be something you enjoy like dressing up in a wizard hat and robe and casting a level 13 spell turning her into a beautiful woman.
If Yes: You still need more information “Can I have a film crew film us as I cover you in Crunchy Peanut Butter and have all your female friends lick it off?”
If she says no to this, Then there is some detail about this plan that she is objecting to; so ask follow up questions.
“How about creamy peanut butter?”
“Jam?”
“Fluffer Nutter?”
By asking these questions you can find out what she doesn’t like about the plan now, instead of during filming.
If she agrees then you should proceed with one the more special dates I will outline in my later installments.
Project Savior's Dating Advice Part 2: The Approach
After following the Rules to prep yourself as outlined in part 1, you are now ready to approach chicks.
Make sure to follow these Rules:
Rule #1: Use some of these lines to break the ice.
Compliment her.
“Nice Rack.” Shows you find her attractive.
“You’ve got great cock sucking lips.” Shows you think she’s got talent.
And the classic: “Hey, Your really hot.”
Show that you share some of the same interests.
“How are your boobs?” Shows that you are interested in her boobs, and she should be interested in them since they’re hers.
“Would you like to test your flexibility on me?”
“Do you prefer bi, gay or straight porn?”
“I can see your nipples.”
Rule #2: Chicks love to be told they are better other girls.
Be sure to let her know who she reminds you of, so be sure to tell her that…
She looks heavier than your ex-girlfriend,
She looks like she would be better in bed than a famous porn star.
Her boobs feel even better your moms, ect.
Rule #3: Be direct in your conversations. Use these lines.
“INTERCOURSE!!”
If she’s eating as soon as she puts something in her mouth say: “SUCK IT”
And the classic. “Let’s Fuck”
Rule #4: Conversations are one way. There are actually two approaches to conversations with a chick.
4a: You do all the talking, don’t let her get a word in edgewise. It will show her you’re a take charge type of guy.
4b: Put the focus on her.
Ask rapid fire questions like:
“Name?”
“Any Relatives?”
“Where were you on the night of the 22nd?”
This will show her you want to know more about her, if she tries asking a question about her tell her that this conversation is about her.
Rule 5: Chick’s like a guy who is open and direct about what they want. This can be done with non-verbal communication.
Grab her boobies before saying a word.
Stick your hand down her pants.
She’ll get the hint as to what you want.
Rule 6: Chick’s like a successful guy, let her know about your achievements no matter how small.
“Hey Baby, I once masturbated 23 times in one day.”
“My car is so big it’s got room for 62 heads in the trunk.”
“I once got arrested in six states, in one night.”
Special thanks go out to Kupo for pointing out a small problem in Rule #2, I took his advice so it will work even better.
Make sure to follow these Rules:
Rule #1: Use some of these lines to break the ice.
Compliment her.
“Nice Rack.” Shows you find her attractive.
“You’ve got great cock sucking lips.” Shows you think she’s got talent.
And the classic: “Hey, Your really hot.”
Show that you share some of the same interests.
“How are your boobs?” Shows that you are interested in her boobs, and she should be interested in them since they’re hers.
“Would you like to test your flexibility on me?”
“Do you prefer bi, gay or straight porn?”
“I can see your nipples.”
Rule #2: Chicks love to be told they are better other girls.
Be sure to let her know who she reminds you of, so be sure to tell her that…
She looks heavier than your ex-girlfriend,
She looks like she would be better in bed than a famous porn star.
Her boobs feel even better your moms, ect.
Rule #3: Be direct in your conversations. Use these lines.
“INTERCOURSE!!”
If she’s eating as soon as she puts something in her mouth say: “SUCK IT”
And the classic. “Let’s Fuck”
Rule #4: Conversations are one way. There are actually two approaches to conversations with a chick.
4a: You do all the talking, don’t let her get a word in edgewise. It will show her you’re a take charge type of guy.
4b: Put the focus on her.
Ask rapid fire questions like:
“Name?”
“Any Relatives?”
“Where were you on the night of the 22nd?”
This will show her you want to know more about her, if she tries asking a question about her tell her that this conversation is about her.
Rule 5: Chick’s like a guy who is open and direct about what they want. This can be done with non-verbal communication.
Grab her boobies before saying a word.
Stick your hand down her pants.
She’ll get the hint as to what you want.
Rule 6: Chick’s like a successful guy, let her know about your achievements no matter how small.
“Hey Baby, I once masturbated 23 times in one day.”
“My car is so big it’s got room for 62 heads in the trunk.”
“I once got arrested in six states, in one night.”
Special thanks go out to Kupo for pointing out a small problem in Rule #2, I took his advice so it will work even better.
Project Savior's Dating Advice: Part 1 Preparation
Rule #1: Always listen to others when deciding in what qualities you want in a potential date. Just because you’re a guy who joined the Dungeons and Dragons Club because you think the guys in the club are cute doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to score the Cheerleader.
Rule #2: Chicks love the smell of guys after they work out, if you don’t like to work up a sweat, just do it once then stop showering. The scent will stay with you.
Rule #3: Chicks dig the outdoorsy type, make sure to dig in the dirt a lot, make sure not to wash your hands after so they know you’re an outdoorsy type. And no matter what make sure never to trim or clean under your nails.
Rule #4: You need to prove your vitality, so masturbate often (in public when possible). Again, avoid showering after.
Rule #5: Chicks love the rebel, so make sure not follow clothing advise from the fashionistas mix stripes and plaids, wear black socks with sandals and white socks with docksiders. If in doubt wear one white sock and one black sock.
Rule #6: Never let them see your nervous, so make sure to smoke plenty of weed before going out in public. Chicks dig it when you seem aloof, with weed you’ll seem oblivious to everything including oncoming traffic.
Rule #7: Chicks love tough guys, so make sure to always look like you’ve just been in a fight. Wear plenty of Band-Aids, put some mayo under them so it looks like they are oozing pus.
Rule #8: Chicks love accents like Sylvester Stalone and Arnold Swartzanigger. So practice speaking like them. Nothing says gentle giant like gibberish.
Rule #9: Gene Simmons and Elvis bagged a lot of chicks, what do they have in common? sequin costumes. Make sure to cover all your clothing with plenty of sequins.
Rule #10: Pay close attention to your hair, it is tough to get your hairstyle just right so once you get it perfect, layer it in hairspray and never wash it again.
Rule #2: Chicks love the smell of guys after they work out, if you don’t like to work up a sweat, just do it once then stop showering. The scent will stay with you.
Rule #3: Chicks dig the outdoorsy type, make sure to dig in the dirt a lot, make sure not to wash your hands after so they know you’re an outdoorsy type. And no matter what make sure never to trim or clean under your nails.
Rule #4: You need to prove your vitality, so masturbate often (in public when possible). Again, avoid showering after.
Rule #5: Chicks love the rebel, so make sure not follow clothing advise from the fashionistas mix stripes and plaids, wear black socks with sandals and white socks with docksiders. If in doubt wear one white sock and one black sock.
Rule #6: Never let them see your nervous, so make sure to smoke plenty of weed before going out in public. Chicks dig it when you seem aloof, with weed you’ll seem oblivious to everything including oncoming traffic.
Rule #7: Chicks love tough guys, so make sure to always look like you’ve just been in a fight. Wear plenty of Band-Aids, put some mayo under them so it looks like they are oozing pus.
Rule #8: Chicks love accents like Sylvester Stalone and Arnold Swartzanigger. So practice speaking like them. Nothing says gentle giant like gibberish.
Rule #9: Gene Simmons and Elvis bagged a lot of chicks, what do they have in common? sequin costumes. Make sure to cover all your clothing with plenty of sequins.
Rule #10: Pay close attention to your hair, it is tough to get your hairstyle just right so once you get it perfect, layer it in hairspray and never wash it again.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Alien Anal Probes and Beer Battered Deep-fried Pinkie Toes.
And other things that piss me off.
1) Ray Liotta movies, Those are a lot worse than Alien Anal Probes, and you feel dirtier after.
2) The movie “Unbreakable”, It was so bad I wish Ray Liotta was in it.
3) Michael Bay movies, He is nowhere near as good a script-writer as Ed Wood, and doesn’t have the redeeming qualities of a Lippert film.
4) Ewe Boll movies, I fear his upcoming release of “Pong”.
5) Earwigs and Japanese Beetles. Goes without saying.
6) Ford Expedition owners with “No War for Oil” bumper stickers.
7) Churches that offer to “Save your Soul” and refuse to take my shoes that need repair.
8) Grammatical Errors, my own of course. For others I just ask that I can understand their meaning.
9) Fast Food places that offer to Super Size your mini-burger.
10) Editors that take 3 months to refuse my stories.
11) Luxemburg.
12) The fact the Aliens never call.
13) The Network executives that cancelled “Jericho”.
14) The fact that Michael Bay gets to continue making movies.
15) Kids. Why do they feel it necessary to scream out in the grocery store that my wife is feeling up their mom? If she doesn’t mind why should they?
16) Tara Ried’s performance in “Alone in the Dark”. I understand that you’ve got to get pretty plowed to star in a Ewe Boll movie, but the providence of “New Found Land”?
17) The Illuminatti agents that conspire against me. They’re naughty.
18) Bears.
19) Illegal Fluff Sniffers.
20) People who make lists of things that annoy them.
1) Ray Liotta movies, Those are a lot worse than Alien Anal Probes, and you feel dirtier after.
2) The movie “Unbreakable”, It was so bad I wish Ray Liotta was in it.
3) Michael Bay movies, He is nowhere near as good a script-writer as Ed Wood, and doesn’t have the redeeming qualities of a Lippert film.
4) Ewe Boll movies, I fear his upcoming release of “Pong”.
5) Earwigs and Japanese Beetles. Goes without saying.
6) Ford Expedition owners with “No War for Oil” bumper stickers.
7) Churches that offer to “Save your Soul” and refuse to take my shoes that need repair.
8) Grammatical Errors, my own of course. For others I just ask that I can understand their meaning.
9) Fast Food places that offer to Super Size your mini-burger.
10) Editors that take 3 months to refuse my stories.
11) Luxemburg.
12) The fact the Aliens never call.
13) The Network executives that cancelled “Jericho”.
14) The fact that Michael Bay gets to continue making movies.
15) Kids. Why do they feel it necessary to scream out in the grocery store that my wife is feeling up their mom? If she doesn’t mind why should they?
16) Tara Ried’s performance in “Alone in the Dark”. I understand that you’ve got to get pretty plowed to star in a Ewe Boll movie, but the providence of “New Found Land”?
17) The Illuminatti agents that conspire against me. They’re naughty.
18) Bears.
19) Illegal Fluff Sniffers.
20) People who make lists of things that annoy them.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
My Last Encounter with a Prostitute
I need to start this piece off by saying I have no problem with prostitution. I’ve never paid for sex, not because of some moral reason, but because for me it is easier to get sex for free than to pay for it.
This is a story of the last time I ran into a prostitute, but not a lot stranger than most times I’ve talked to them.
I was out of coffee and I knew I was low on gas so I left the house early one morning. After filling up and getting a cup of coffee I saw someone else needed the pump so I pulled forward and started getting my coffee ready for the drive and adjusting the radio.
I saw a curly haired person in a leather jacket and leather pants walking towards me. I had to wonder, is that a guy or a girl?
Unfortunately, as I was trying to figure out the person’s sex, they noticed me staring at them, waved at me and started walking over. I still had about 20 minutes before I’d have to start out to work so I figured I’d see what they wanted.
As they approached, I still had no clue what this person’s sex was.
They got to the window and asked. “Would you like some sugar?”
I’d like to say my first thought was that I could never betray my wife by having sex without her or some noble thought, but in reality it was, “Is 8:30 in the morning the best time for transvestite hooker’s to prowl the local gas stations?”
“Uh no.” Was all I could come up with as a witty reply.
“Oh,” Was their come back. “You got a smoke?”
I was tempted to exchange a cigarette for a titty flash, not because I wanted to see the titties but because it would hopefully answer my question of what gender they were.
Then I thought it must be a tough job, being a transvestite street walker who works the early shift or a street walker who looks for John’s that have one foot out of the closet so they bang hooker’s that look like dudes, but only early in the morning.
Whichever was the case being impolite wouldn’t really help this person, so I handed them a smoke.
They took a drag and said. “I could rock your world, hon.”
“I’m sure you could,” I replied. “But my world is fine the way it is.”
With that they walked off, and I sped out of the gas station.
I’m always I little leery of filling up my car first thing in the morning now, I figure if I really need gas I can go out at midnight when the A team prostitutes are on the prowl.
This is a story of the last time I ran into a prostitute, but not a lot stranger than most times I’ve talked to them.
I was out of coffee and I knew I was low on gas so I left the house early one morning. After filling up and getting a cup of coffee I saw someone else needed the pump so I pulled forward and started getting my coffee ready for the drive and adjusting the radio.
I saw a curly haired person in a leather jacket and leather pants walking towards me. I had to wonder, is that a guy or a girl?
Unfortunately, as I was trying to figure out the person’s sex, they noticed me staring at them, waved at me and started walking over. I still had about 20 minutes before I’d have to start out to work so I figured I’d see what they wanted.
As they approached, I still had no clue what this person’s sex was.
They got to the window and asked. “Would you like some sugar?”
I’d like to say my first thought was that I could never betray my wife by having sex without her or some noble thought, but in reality it was, “Is 8:30 in the morning the best time for transvestite hooker’s to prowl the local gas stations?”
“Uh no.” Was all I could come up with as a witty reply.
“Oh,” Was their come back. “You got a smoke?”
I was tempted to exchange a cigarette for a titty flash, not because I wanted to see the titties but because it would hopefully answer my question of what gender they were.
Then I thought it must be a tough job, being a transvestite street walker who works the early shift or a street walker who looks for John’s that have one foot out of the closet so they bang hooker’s that look like dudes, but only early in the morning.
Whichever was the case being impolite wouldn’t really help this person, so I handed them a smoke.
They took a drag and said. “I could rock your world, hon.”
“I’m sure you could,” I replied. “But my world is fine the way it is.”
With that they walked off, and I sped out of the gas station.
I’m always I little leery of filling up my car first thing in the morning now, I figure if I really need gas I can go out at midnight when the A team prostitutes are on the prowl.
Friday, January 16, 2009
That’s My Job
She walked into my office and the first thing I noticed were her
breasts, hooters, tits, biguns, mammalian protuberances, high beams, male
magnets, twin peaks, milky globes, her double barreled bazookas, her blouse bunnies, her fun cushions, her racing zeppelins. The sight of them inspired me to look further at her bootylicious bod., her form, her bodacious curves.
The full sight was so overwhelming I was forced to put down my beer, brewski, Milwaukee's Mother's Milk, 12 oz. curler, brew, suds, head, frothy
one.
"See anything you like?" She asked.
"Yea, You know you’re really sexy, hot, a babe, eye catcher, sizzler,
condom date, doable, a mountable muffin, great piece, fresh stuff."
"Yes, I know." She got a little grin, a smirk, flashed her pearly whites.
"Look, are you a college student?"
"Yup, a Iibbie lander, a fluff major. That's my job, That's what I do."
"Good, I need someone to do some research, Some fact checking, some paper pushing, some file fucking, some ROM reading, some muck raking." She said in a voice so husky it could pull a sled, So rasped you could use it as a file. "You see I'm investigating a murder, an offing, a hit, a snuff, a rub-out, a quick trip to the morgue. You see I'm a private detective, a dick, a gumshoe, a snoop, a flat-foot. That's my job, That's what I do."
"So who's the stiff, the wormfeast, the grease spot, the roadkill, the highway pizza, the buzzard breakfast, and are you sure he's dead, six feet under, pushing up the daisies, R.I.P., offed, turned blue, Zombified ?"
She leaned over my desk giving me a good enough look at her double D's to make my inner child hungry for lunch. "You’re on a need to know basis, Now will you help me?"
At that moment I'd do anything she asked because I noticed I had Morning wood, a stiffy, a hard-on, a boner, My purple-headed storm trooper was wanting to badger the witness, My seamen were wanting shore leave, My soldier was standing at attention yearning for her every word.
"Sure," I lit a cigarette, a butt, a coffin-nail, a cancer stick, a smoke,
a cowboy killer. "I'm your man Friday, your Sidekick, your Tag-along. That's my job, That's what I do."
"You'd better be straight with me, on the level, the up and up, legit, for real." Her green eyes were so piercing if I turned sideways I could put an earring in for free.
"Don't worry, Sweetheart, babe, sweeties, chick, hot momma, bodacious flesh, dish. I'm with you. But I need some money, some fundage, some moola, some dough, some bread, some greenbacks, some dead presidents. "
She pulled out a wad, a roll, a stash, of bills from a place that would make the presidents pictured on the bills stiffer than they already were.
" Here's a hundred, a C-note, a buck, a Ben Franklin and there's more where that came from."
I thought "breasts that gave money that's my ultimate wet-dream, soiled sheets, creamed dream, slippery slumber, That's enough to make the Pope masturbate, jerk-off, spank the monkey, shake hands with dick, beat his meat, slap his Weiner, Hold the sausage hostage, Jerk his gherkin, do the Masonic secret self handshake, blow a load."
I had to stop that chain of thought or I'd cream my jeans, fill my shorts, shoot my gun, have a preemie. But luckily I can Master my Johnson.
When I stood to grab the bill she glanced at my Package, my rod, my
shaft, my love organ, my loader, my willie, my loaded weapon.
"Is that a roll of pennies?" she asked.
"Yea, Do you want me to knock some cents into you?"
"After the jobs done I'll give you head, suck your duck, a blow-job, suck you off, beat you up and down, You'll be my straw and I love vanilla
milkshakes."
"Can I eat you out, suck your clit, lick your bunny, sip your love nectar, give you a tongue lashing?"
"I'll even do it, get down, hump, grind, the wild thing, the nasty, the bedroom backstroke, make Kitty purr. As long as you practice safe sex, burn rubber, wrap your package, put a safety on your rifle."
"I always wear a condom, a trojan, a raincoat, a Venus glove. After all I'm not silly I cover my willie, I sheathe my bomber, I shield my yield, I put on a sock before entering a box. After all I'm not a Joey."
At that moment I wanted to ride her like a dolphin at Sea World. I came out from behind the desk and was about to kiss her and hug her and grab her lovely buttocks, butt, ass, Fannie, buns, booty. Because baby definitely got back. When two men in white suits came in.
"We're from the psych. center." One of them said.
"You mean the nuthouse, the funny farm, the crazyhouse, the Cookoo's nest, the loony bin, La La Land, fantasy island."
"Yes" He replied. "And she is an escaped mental patient."
"You mean a Nut, a wacko, a psycho chicken, a loon, a scitziod, a basket case, a psycho hose beast, a few cans short of a six pack, a unit."
"Yes, and now we have to take her away," He said regretfully. "I'm sorry, but it's my job, that's what I do."
I watched her go and said goodbye, hasta la vista baby, arriva derche,
choi, catch you later masturbator.
“In a while, pedophile.” Said the love of my life, my number one babe, the girl who makes me go schawing.
She stopped at the door and turned. "lt would never work we're from two different worlds, Your from Earth and I'm from the Twilight zone, the outer limits, the upper stratosphere."
"If only you weren't mental, off the beaten trail, out of touch, if your silicon chip hadn't gone into overload." I said lovingly.
"If only you weren't sane, grounded, focused, having all 52 cards” She replied and like Tito Jackson she was never seen again.
I sat down depressed, crushed, toppled over, my heart smushed flat. I grabbed my beer, my booze, my elixir of life, my mental lube and got back to my homework because I'm a college student, That's my job, that's what I do.
breasts, hooters, tits, biguns, mammalian protuberances, high beams, male
magnets, twin peaks, milky globes, her double barreled bazookas, her blouse bunnies, her fun cushions, her racing zeppelins. The sight of them inspired me to look further at her bootylicious bod., her form, her bodacious curves.
The full sight was so overwhelming I was forced to put down my beer, brewski, Milwaukee's Mother's Milk, 12 oz. curler, brew, suds, head, frothy
one.
"See anything you like?" She asked.
"Yea, You know you’re really sexy, hot, a babe, eye catcher, sizzler,
condom date, doable, a mountable muffin, great piece, fresh stuff."
"Yes, I know." She got a little grin, a smirk, flashed her pearly whites.
"Look, are you a college student?"
"Yup, a Iibbie lander, a fluff major. That's my job, That's what I do."
"Good, I need someone to do some research, Some fact checking, some paper pushing, some file fucking, some ROM reading, some muck raking." She said in a voice so husky it could pull a sled, So rasped you could use it as a file. "You see I'm investigating a murder, an offing, a hit, a snuff, a rub-out, a quick trip to the morgue. You see I'm a private detective, a dick, a gumshoe, a snoop, a flat-foot. That's my job, That's what I do."
"So who's the stiff, the wormfeast, the grease spot, the roadkill, the highway pizza, the buzzard breakfast, and are you sure he's dead, six feet under, pushing up the daisies, R.I.P., offed, turned blue, Zombified ?"
She leaned over my desk giving me a good enough look at her double D's to make my inner child hungry for lunch. "You’re on a need to know basis, Now will you help me?"
At that moment I'd do anything she asked because I noticed I had Morning wood, a stiffy, a hard-on, a boner, My purple-headed storm trooper was wanting to badger the witness, My seamen were wanting shore leave, My soldier was standing at attention yearning for her every word.
"Sure," I lit a cigarette, a butt, a coffin-nail, a cancer stick, a smoke,
a cowboy killer. "I'm your man Friday, your Sidekick, your Tag-along. That's my job, That's what I do."
"You'd better be straight with me, on the level, the up and up, legit, for real." Her green eyes were so piercing if I turned sideways I could put an earring in for free.
"Don't worry, Sweetheart, babe, sweeties, chick, hot momma, bodacious flesh, dish. I'm with you. But I need some money, some fundage, some moola, some dough, some bread, some greenbacks, some dead presidents. "
She pulled out a wad, a roll, a stash, of bills from a place that would make the presidents pictured on the bills stiffer than they already were.
" Here's a hundred, a C-note, a buck, a Ben Franklin and there's more where that came from."
I thought "breasts that gave money that's my ultimate wet-dream, soiled sheets, creamed dream, slippery slumber, That's enough to make the Pope masturbate, jerk-off, spank the monkey, shake hands with dick, beat his meat, slap his Weiner, Hold the sausage hostage, Jerk his gherkin, do the Masonic secret self handshake, blow a load."
I had to stop that chain of thought or I'd cream my jeans, fill my shorts, shoot my gun, have a preemie. But luckily I can Master my Johnson.
When I stood to grab the bill she glanced at my Package, my rod, my
shaft, my love organ, my loader, my willie, my loaded weapon.
"Is that a roll of pennies?" she asked.
"Yea, Do you want me to knock some cents into you?"
"After the jobs done I'll give you head, suck your duck, a blow-job, suck you off, beat you up and down, You'll be my straw and I love vanilla
milkshakes."
"Can I eat you out, suck your clit, lick your bunny, sip your love nectar, give you a tongue lashing?"
"I'll even do it, get down, hump, grind, the wild thing, the nasty, the bedroom backstroke, make Kitty purr. As long as you practice safe sex, burn rubber, wrap your package, put a safety on your rifle."
"I always wear a condom, a trojan, a raincoat, a Venus glove. After all I'm not silly I cover my willie, I sheathe my bomber, I shield my yield, I put on a sock before entering a box. After all I'm not a Joey."
At that moment I wanted to ride her like a dolphin at Sea World. I came out from behind the desk and was about to kiss her and hug her and grab her lovely buttocks, butt, ass, Fannie, buns, booty. Because baby definitely got back. When two men in white suits came in.
"We're from the psych. center." One of them said.
"You mean the nuthouse, the funny farm, the crazyhouse, the Cookoo's nest, the loony bin, La La Land, fantasy island."
"Yes" He replied. "And she is an escaped mental patient."
"You mean a Nut, a wacko, a psycho chicken, a loon, a scitziod, a basket case, a psycho hose beast, a few cans short of a six pack, a unit."
"Yes, and now we have to take her away," He said regretfully. "I'm sorry, but it's my job, that's what I do."
I watched her go and said goodbye, hasta la vista baby, arriva derche,
choi, catch you later masturbator.
“In a while, pedophile.” Said the love of my life, my number one babe, the girl who makes me go schawing.
She stopped at the door and turned. "lt would never work we're from two different worlds, Your from Earth and I'm from the Twilight zone, the outer limits, the upper stratosphere."
"If only you weren't mental, off the beaten trail, out of touch, if your silicon chip hadn't gone into overload." I said lovingly.
"If only you weren't sane, grounded, focused, having all 52 cards” She replied and like Tito Jackson she was never seen again.
I sat down depressed, crushed, toppled over, my heart smushed flat. I grabbed my beer, my booze, my elixir of life, my mental lube and got back to my homework because I'm a college student, That's my job, that's what I do.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Mama Mia (A straight guy’s review.)
Years ago I ran a movie review web site, but for some unknown reason everyone who hosted it got complaints leading them to shut it down. Who knew some people would get offended by a picture of Jesus on the cross with the caption “Hamme(red)” on my review of “The Passion of the Christ”?
I recently felt the urge to write another review. “Dark Knight” was still to crowded, so I thought I’d watch “Mama Mia” and review it.
As my wife and I left my house to head to the Movie Theater a blindingly bright light appeared on my lawn and an older version of myself materialized naked in front of us. He was obviously weakened by his travels and used all his energy to give me this speech.
“I don’t have much time, I was able to use all the energy on Earth in order to bend the timeline back on itself so that I could give you this warning.
“Don’t go see ‘Mama Mai.’
“I’ll be dragged back to my own time now, which has nearly destroyed by my using this machine to get you this message. And I will probably be executed for causing its destruction… but it is worth it as long as you don’t see that movie.”
The older version of me popped out of existence before I could ask him pressing questions about the future like, “Does Ewe Boll ever win an Oscar?”
I thought about the advise that my older self gave me, and decided to ignore it. It was probably just a practical joke, I’ve been known to do things like that. Also I didn’t like how my wife stared at his naked package.
So we continued on to our car.
As I drove to the theater, several mid-sized cars surrounded us then cut us off bringing so to halt. I rolled down the window to yell at them but a redheaded guy jumped out of the lead car and ran over to us.
“We are the Molly Maguires, We’ve come oot of our 200 year hiding to warn ye aboot seeing that movie: ‘Mama Mia’”
Before I could think of a suitable reply, several black sedans pulled up and started shooting at them.
“Aye Shite, It’s the Illuminati! Our cover’s blown.” The man screamed. “But if it keeps ye from seeing that Movie, it’s worth it.”
Luckily having the forces of evil shooting at them made them clear the road so we could proceed to the theater.
As we pulled into the parking lot of the theater, Jack Bauer from the series “24” approached us and said. “I’ve no time to explain, but it is critical that you don’t watch ‘Mamma Mia’. The fate of the free world depends on it!”
“Ah, aren’t you a fictional character?” I asked.
Jack looked sheepishly at the ground, then disappeared.
“Maybe we should take his advise.” My wife said.
“Yeah, there could be bomb in the theater.” I said. “We should go to the one across town.”
So we got in the car and left.
Driving across town, hundreds of flying cows landed in front of the car and refused to leave no matter how much I honked the horn.
The lead cow came up to my window and said. “The beings that you know as cows are actually aliens sent by the Galactic Council to keep the Reptile Race in check. We needed to break our cover in order to warn you not to see ‘Mamma Mia’”
As I took her words in, the by-standers transformed from people into Reptiles and started attacking the alien cows. An incredible battle broke out between the Reptiles and the Alien Cows leaving scores dead and demolishing a good portion of the city.
A few blocks from the theater we were stopped once again. This time by a gang of penguins. We were approached by the lead penguin.
“I like pilot fish.” He said. “And as leader of the penguin mob, I shall do everything in my power to make sure you do not see ‘Mamma Mia’”
He then turned to face the rest of the penguins and yelled. “Hit it.”
The penguin mob did a lovely chorus line production of “Putting on the Ritz”.
Halfway through their production a mob of horny seals showed up and the penguins broke formation and started running away. The lead penguin turned to us and said. “Everything but be raped by a seal.” And he waddled off at full speed.
This cleared the road and we were able to make it to the theater.
As we went from our car to theater we passed an alley where two adorable kittens were playing. They were so cute we had to go over and get a closer look. Not far from the kittens were two pieces of string so we grabbed them and used them to play with the kittens.
Eventually the kittens mother showed up and they pranced off. We noticed that it was now to late to see the movie.
So unfortunately I will not be able to give you a review of “Mamma Mia”. Next week, If I don’t get distracted by more kittens, I will bring you a review of “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2”.
I recently felt the urge to write another review. “Dark Knight” was still to crowded, so I thought I’d watch “Mama Mia” and review it.
As my wife and I left my house to head to the Movie Theater a blindingly bright light appeared on my lawn and an older version of myself materialized naked in front of us. He was obviously weakened by his travels and used all his energy to give me this speech.
“I don’t have much time, I was able to use all the energy on Earth in order to bend the timeline back on itself so that I could give you this warning.
“Don’t go see ‘Mama Mai.’
“I’ll be dragged back to my own time now, which has nearly destroyed by my using this machine to get you this message. And I will probably be executed for causing its destruction… but it is worth it as long as you don’t see that movie.”
The older version of me popped out of existence before I could ask him pressing questions about the future like, “Does Ewe Boll ever win an Oscar?”
I thought about the advise that my older self gave me, and decided to ignore it. It was probably just a practical joke, I’ve been known to do things like that. Also I didn’t like how my wife stared at his naked package.
So we continued on to our car.
As I drove to the theater, several mid-sized cars surrounded us then cut us off bringing so to halt. I rolled down the window to yell at them but a redheaded guy jumped out of the lead car and ran over to us.
“We are the Molly Maguires, We’ve come oot of our 200 year hiding to warn ye aboot seeing that movie: ‘Mama Mia’”
Before I could think of a suitable reply, several black sedans pulled up and started shooting at them.
“Aye Shite, It’s the Illuminati! Our cover’s blown.” The man screamed. “But if it keeps ye from seeing that Movie, it’s worth it.”
Luckily having the forces of evil shooting at them made them clear the road so we could proceed to the theater.
As we pulled into the parking lot of the theater, Jack Bauer from the series “24” approached us and said. “I’ve no time to explain, but it is critical that you don’t watch ‘Mamma Mia’. The fate of the free world depends on it!”
“Ah, aren’t you a fictional character?” I asked.
Jack looked sheepishly at the ground, then disappeared.
“Maybe we should take his advise.” My wife said.
“Yeah, there could be bomb in the theater.” I said. “We should go to the one across town.”
So we got in the car and left.
Driving across town, hundreds of flying cows landed in front of the car and refused to leave no matter how much I honked the horn.
The lead cow came up to my window and said. “The beings that you know as cows are actually aliens sent by the Galactic Council to keep the Reptile Race in check. We needed to break our cover in order to warn you not to see ‘Mamma Mia’”
As I took her words in, the by-standers transformed from people into Reptiles and started attacking the alien cows. An incredible battle broke out between the Reptiles and the Alien Cows leaving scores dead and demolishing a good portion of the city.
A few blocks from the theater we were stopped once again. This time by a gang of penguins. We were approached by the lead penguin.
“I like pilot fish.” He said. “And as leader of the penguin mob, I shall do everything in my power to make sure you do not see ‘Mamma Mia’”
He then turned to face the rest of the penguins and yelled. “Hit it.”
The penguin mob did a lovely chorus line production of “Putting on the Ritz”.
Halfway through their production a mob of horny seals showed up and the penguins broke formation and started running away. The lead penguin turned to us and said. “Everything but be raped by a seal.” And he waddled off at full speed.
This cleared the road and we were able to make it to the theater.
As we went from our car to theater we passed an alley where two adorable kittens were playing. They were so cute we had to go over and get a closer look. Not far from the kittens were two pieces of string so we grabbed them and used them to play with the kittens.
Eventually the kittens mother showed up and they pranced off. We noticed that it was now to late to see the movie.
So unfortunately I will not be able to give you a review of “Mamma Mia”. Next week, If I don’t get distracted by more kittens, I will bring you a review of “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2”.
Monday, January 12, 2009
The Evil Atheist Agenda II
In part 1 of my series about the Evil Atheist Agenda I revealed how Atheist have a network of satellites that beam down mind beams capable of penetrating even the best designed tinfoil hats, and keep children from praying in schools.
Now I’ve found out about an even more sinister plot of these evil Atheists, it turns out that they control the courts. Atheists make up 20% of America and yet only 0.25% of the prison population. This shows how they obviously control the court system, which rules heavily in favor of people who follow man’s law instead of God’s law.
This also shows that Atheists are master criminals who don’t get caught. The lack of Atheists being caught breaking the law shows how good they are at it.
A lot of people probably want more proof, but as everyone knows Atheists are notoriously good at hiding their tracks. Because they are so good at hiding their tracks superficial and circumstantial evidence must by given higher consideration.
An insidious way they conceal their works is by using their ungodly charm to control the opposite sex, that’s why Atheist divorce rates are so much lower than Baptists, even slightly lower than Catholics. Needless to say a marriage among an Atheist to a Catholic is nearly indestructible.
Their lower divorce rate is common sense; every one knows that Atheists engage in bizarre and deviant sex. So it stands to reason when Atheists get married they will stay together in order to perform their bizarre and deviant sex nightly, with the added benefit of being able to be bizarre and deviant in a safe, secure, loving environment.
How are we Americans ever going to be able to stand up to these Atheists, who refuse to be caught doing illegal things and stay out of sight in their homes enjoying their happy, warm and loving marriages?
Now I’ve found out about an even more sinister plot of these evil Atheists, it turns out that they control the courts. Atheists make up 20% of America and yet only 0.25% of the prison population. This shows how they obviously control the court system, which rules heavily in favor of people who follow man’s law instead of God’s law.
This also shows that Atheists are master criminals who don’t get caught. The lack of Atheists being caught breaking the law shows how good they are at it.
A lot of people probably want more proof, but as everyone knows Atheists are notoriously good at hiding their tracks. Because they are so good at hiding their tracks superficial and circumstantial evidence must by given higher consideration.
An insidious way they conceal their works is by using their ungodly charm to control the opposite sex, that’s why Atheist divorce rates are so much lower than Baptists, even slightly lower than Catholics. Needless to say a marriage among an Atheist to a Catholic is nearly indestructible.
Their lower divorce rate is common sense; every one knows that Atheists engage in bizarre and deviant sex. So it stands to reason when Atheists get married they will stay together in order to perform their bizarre and deviant sex nightly, with the added benefit of being able to be bizarre and deviant in a safe, secure, loving environment.
How are we Americans ever going to be able to stand up to these Atheists, who refuse to be caught doing illegal things and stay out of sight in their homes enjoying their happy, warm and loving marriages?
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Using Cannibalism to stretch your food budget.
Millions of Americans are out of work and having to turn to food stamps to survive. Unfortunately, the amount of money people are given for food under the food stamp program is only enough to let them survive for a short period of time.
At $5 day, $1.66 per meal, food choices are very limited. Even the most frugal shoppers can’t make nutritionally balanced meals with adequate amounts of carbs, fats, proteins, and fruits and vegetables.
The highest priced parts of a balanced meal are the proteins (anything that has a mommy and daddy) and fruits.
If you happen to live in a subtropical zone, Florida and Hawaii and the lower parts of the gulf coast states, then finding fruits to supplement your diet should be relatively easy. For the rest of Americans there is really no choice but to buy your fruits, so finding a way to supplement the proteins in order to balance out a diet is essential.
Farmers tend to look down on rustlers, often through the sights of a loaded gun. So driving out and grabbing a neighbors cow is probably very risky. Stray animals tend to carry diseases that infect humans. So that leaves one easy source of protein, humans.
Who to invite for dinner.
Unless you are stranded in the Andes with a soccer team, avoid humans that are already dead. If you are lucky enough to be stranded in sub-zero temperatures with a group of athletes in prime physical condition, dead people are fine to eat. But if you have to select from a stock that is not in the top 2% of the population as far as prime physical conditions, in an environment that is above zero, then eating pre-dead bodies can have some serious health risks.
When the body dies the immune system stops working, so diseases run rampant, growing like mad. Eating the infected flesh can easily pass on most of these diseases.
Your best option is to hunt down your own humans and start the butchering and preserving process immediately after the kill.
Although it would be easiest to go after the weakest people you can find, this is actually a bad idea as they are more likely to have weakened immune systems. If possible you will to get high school and college athletes, ones who have a high level of lean muscle and low fat content.
Not only are the less likely to have contagious diseases, but the cooking process will be easier.
A serious health risk to watch out for is prion diseases, like mad cow and Alzheimer, these diseases are believed to be caused by “folded proteins” and can be passed on even if the meat is completely cooked.
In order to avoid exposure to this interview your potential dinner thoroughly, if possible. Be sure to look for any signs of memory loss, loss of language skills, or loss of any other mental abilities. It would be best if you interview them several times over the course of a few months to get a good baseline to compare their performance.
Also, look out for any signs of motor skill impairment, as this could be a sign of a number of prion diseases or muscle diseases.
Preserving the Human.
After selecting the perfect person to have for dinner and killing them, you must quickly take steps to preserve them. Obviously you want a clean environment to slice them up in but it is important to take a few extra steps.
Make sure that they bleed out. If humans are not properly bled out, the blood stores in the muscles, which will not allow them to reach the proper level of acidity and will allow diseases to spread.
If you do not have access to a deep freeze unit (one that gets below zero degrees Fahrenheit) and are not stranded in the Andes mountains. Then it is best to cook the meat immediately after the guy has bled out, this will limit the amount of diseases that can be passed on.
How to cook Humans.
Cooking human meat is slightly different then other meats. You will want to make sure it is completely cooked with its center staying between 121 to 140 degrees for at least 7 minutes. Even if you enjoy a rare steak, it is not recommended to eat Bob tartar as the chance of disease from raw human is too great.
Hopefully this post has shown that with a little ingenuity and planning, it is possible for someone to survive and have a balanced diet on food stamps. As for the prey that is what is known as the trickle down theory.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
How Much Head Should a Girl Give in a Day.
Girls are constantly coming up to me and asking me. “How many blowjobs should I give in a day?”
“How many have you given today?” Is the first question I always ask. When they tell me, I reply it’s that number + 1.
This formula works well for the girls that ask me that question, since they are imaginary.
However, if you happen to be flesh and blood, then a more scientific answer is needed.
The average male ejaculation is 35 calories of mostly protein, and 0 fat. So if a girl gives a few blowjobs a day it’s a very healthy source of protein and unless she’s on a very strict diet, it’s healthy for all involved.
When she starts give over 10 blowjobs a day on a regular basis, 350 calories, she should start to look into changing her diet to account for the extra calories. Luckily because it’s mostly calories from protein a moderate exercise program (I suggest strength training the arm that isn’t used to stroke the dick during the blowjob) will keep the body from turning it into fat.
When she starts giving over 42 to 43 blowjobs a day, on a regular basis it starts becoming a health concern, 1500 calories a day from protein can throw the body out of wack, unless she starts following a bodybuilders routine of strength training 3 hours a day.
When she starts giving over 71 to 72 blowjobs a day she starts having to worry about her nutritional intake. By getting the majority of her calories from sperm, her body would be deprived of vitamin C and she would risk getting scurvy, which can lead to liver spots, Spongy gums, bleeding gums, sunken eyes and nosebleeds. The bleeding gums and nosebleeds can seriously interfere with her blowjob schedule.
This was a problem that English Gentleman would run into, Dr James Lind in 1753 found that the effects of scurvy could be treated by eating lots of citrus fruit. That’s how the English became known as Limey Cocksuckers.
As long as she uses small amounts of something like banana cream on the dicks she sucks, combined with vitamin supplements she should be fine as long as she works out regularly.
When she starts giving over 100 plus blowjobs a day, the body has to do serious work to deal with the amount of protein she is receiving. The protein must be broken down into amino acids then into glucose in order to be used as an energy source. This takes time and can not be done fast enough to meet her bodies energy requirements making her body use up her fat reserves. Once they are depleted her body will no longer be able to produce the energy requirements needed to sustain basic life processes. This process of breaking down proteins into glucose also builds up ammonia, which the body has a hard time in getting rid of, a large buildup of ammonia is poisonous.
As with all dietary health issues, these problems only happen if a girl makes the blowjobs a major part of her diet. If a girl decides to splurge once in a while and give a few hundred blowjobs over a weekend the body can easily compensate for the extra protein.
Disclaimer: As with all diet and exercise programs, please consult your doctor before starting on a blowjob diet plan. If you do decide to go on a blowjob diet plan and cannot afford a doctor, I’m sure there is some doctor some where that will be glad to work something out with you.
“How many have you given today?” Is the first question I always ask. When they tell me, I reply it’s that number + 1.
This formula works well for the girls that ask me that question, since they are imaginary.
However, if you happen to be flesh and blood, then a more scientific answer is needed.
The average male ejaculation is 35 calories of mostly protein, and 0 fat. So if a girl gives a few blowjobs a day it’s a very healthy source of protein and unless she’s on a very strict diet, it’s healthy for all involved.
When she starts give over 10 blowjobs a day on a regular basis, 350 calories, she should start to look into changing her diet to account for the extra calories. Luckily because it’s mostly calories from protein a moderate exercise program (I suggest strength training the arm that isn’t used to stroke the dick during the blowjob) will keep the body from turning it into fat.
When she starts giving over 42 to 43 blowjobs a day, on a regular basis it starts becoming a health concern, 1500 calories a day from protein can throw the body out of wack, unless she starts following a bodybuilders routine of strength training 3 hours a day.
When she starts giving over 71 to 72 blowjobs a day she starts having to worry about her nutritional intake. By getting the majority of her calories from sperm, her body would be deprived of vitamin C and she would risk getting scurvy, which can lead to liver spots, Spongy gums, bleeding gums, sunken eyes and nosebleeds. The bleeding gums and nosebleeds can seriously interfere with her blowjob schedule.
This was a problem that English Gentleman would run into, Dr James Lind in 1753 found that the effects of scurvy could be treated by eating lots of citrus fruit. That’s how the English became known as Limey Cocksuckers.
As long as she uses small amounts of something like banana cream on the dicks she sucks, combined with vitamin supplements she should be fine as long as she works out regularly.
When she starts giving over 100 plus blowjobs a day, the body has to do serious work to deal with the amount of protein she is receiving. The protein must be broken down into amino acids then into glucose in order to be used as an energy source. This takes time and can not be done fast enough to meet her bodies energy requirements making her body use up her fat reserves. Once they are depleted her body will no longer be able to produce the energy requirements needed to sustain basic life processes. This process of breaking down proteins into glucose also builds up ammonia, which the body has a hard time in getting rid of, a large buildup of ammonia is poisonous.
As with all dietary health issues, these problems only happen if a girl makes the blowjobs a major part of her diet. If a girl decides to splurge once in a while and give a few hundred blowjobs over a weekend the body can easily compensate for the extra protein.
Disclaimer: As with all diet and exercise programs, please consult your doctor before starting on a blowjob diet plan. If you do decide to go on a blowjob diet plan and cannot afford a doctor, I’m sure there is some doctor some where that will be glad to work something out with you.
Senator Bunning Kentucky’s other crazy Senator.
With Mitch McConnell issuing crazy statements daily, like how we shouldn’t rush to give out an economic stimulus to the middle class because it’s not a decision we should lightly, like going to war with Iraq or giving $700 Billion to the rich. It’s easy to forget that Kentucky has another Senator, One who is even more bat-shit crazy.
Jim Bunning is Kentucky’s junior Senator and has the honor of making Cracked.com’s list of “5 Certifiably Insane Politicians People Still Voted For”.
Besides being totally clueless about issues that as a Senator he should have some knowledge about, like the Iraq war, his excuse was he doesn’t read the newspapers, or that Kentucky has three domestic auto plants. He also refuses to go to bipartisan political rallies because his opponent will beat up his wife and send “little green doctors” after him.
Mastering the art of the televised debate is a key for any politician, except Bunning who doesn’t seem to have a clue what the word debate is.
He would only join the debate if he could read off a teleprompter in a private room in the RNC headquarters where no observers would be allowed to see. Also it could only be shown once live in the middle of the afternoon.
I wonder if he was worried that the “little green doctors” would come after him otherwise.
Recently Bunning has been one of the most vocal critics of the Auto Bailout and the idea of using any government money to stimulate the economy. It would be nice if his views got more play in the media. It would make a nice counterpoint to the liberal idea that “Government should promote the General Welfare” if Bunning were allowed to explain how the stimulus package would leave us vulnerable to attacks from “little green doctors”.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Random Stuff
Yesterday's blog about Dealing with Collection Agents was a little more serious than the rest of this site so I've moved the series over to Associated Content. Here is Part 2
In order to bring balance back to the site I've posted a picture of my cat during her work-out routine.
Hopefully it will inspire everyone who's New Year's resolution was to exercise more to stick to their guns after all if she can spend 15 minutes on the treadmill, so can you.
BTW: My next year's resolutions is to start actually walking while on the treadmill, I don't want to rush things.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Dealing with Collection Agencies (Part 1)
In these tough economic times, millions of people are falling behind on their bills. To make it even tougher banks and utilities are feeling the squeeze as well and many are turning to hardball tactics in a misguided attempt to make money.
In this post I will detail what you should do if you are unable to pay your bills in full and lay the groundwork for dealing with your credit card companies and ways to keep the debt from going to a Collection Agency. Or to have more weapons at your disposal should a debt eventually go to a collection agency.
In my next post I will deal with what to do ff a collection agency contacts you over a debt. Remember knowledge is power; there are ways to deal with collection agencies, especially ones that take hardball tactics to far.
Step 1:
Make a budget; find out exactly how much you can spend on what.
If you don’t know what you can spend you can’t make proper decisions.
Step 2:
Prioritize your bills.
First: Make sure you have food, rent or mortgage, electricity, heat and a way to get to work. If you rely on a car to go to work (99% of people) make sure you have money to pay for insurance, gas and maintenance and payments (if you have any).
Second: a primary Phone, Internet, and basic TV service (cable, satellite). The TV and Internet may seem like luxuries but they are about the cheapest forms of entertainment available if you par it down to the most basic package.
Third: 5% of your income to set aside for emergencies. If you don’t have this minor unexpected expenses can spiral out of control.
Finally: Credit Cards and unsecured loans. Figure out how much you can pay on these and don’t take money from the other bills to pay them.
Once you’ve figured out how much you can pay on the credit cards you are in a position to start dealing with your creditors.
Step 3: Negotiate with your creditors.
Once you know how much you can pay, you can call your creditors and work out a payment plan. If the credit card company refuses to negotiate and wants more than you have budgeted, it’s their loss. If you made a good faith effort to handle your bill and they refuse to accept payments you can live with then they deserve to lose the money they loaned you. Don’t ever agree to pay more than what you have budgeted. This is just throwing money away as you will not be able to continue to make those payments in the future.
If a credit card company doesn’t except your good faith offer to make payment arrangements, spread the money in your budget around to those who will.
One thing to avoid when dealing with creditors is automatic withdrawals from your checking account, this is a deal breaker. If you are having trouble paying your bills, there is no way you can keep an adequate safety cushion of funds to avoid overdrafts. Between the creditor and your bank it is impossible to tell when the bill will hit, and if your luck is like mine, it will hit on the day that your balance goes $0.02 below what the bill is for. The overdraft fees will kill your ability to continue paying your bills.
Step 4: The Collection Calls.
The companies that refused to negotiate with you will start to call you. The way to deal with them is to restate how much you have budgeted to pay that bill. If they refuse to take it there is no use talking to them. No matter what stick to your guns and don’t promise to pay more than you have budgeted, it will end up costing you more in the long run.
The easiest way to deal with these calls is simply state: “I can only afford $X.XX amount a month, can you do that?”
If they say no, the response is: “Then there is no point speaking further, Goodbye.”
A good collection agent will politely determine if you are serious and give you a name and number to call if things get better for you. The bad collectors will try and get you to commit to something you can’t afford.
The main tactic they will use is to act like a jerk and bring you down to their level, then win through experience.
If you are confident that you can be a bigger jerk than they are (remember they spend at least 8 hours a day practicing) go ahead and get into a contest with them, just remember whether you engage them or not, after they turn down your offer to pay the rest of the call is pointless.
Step 5: Stopping the bill from going to a Collection Agency.
After negotiations fail and a bill goes unpaid for 4 months it will be turned over to a collection agency. If you’re financial situation is temporary and you need to stall for time, or you just want to give the company a hard time collecting look on the back of your bill to billing rights summary. It will have an address to send disputes. Write them a letter disputing something, anything. Ask them how the late fee was determined, if the interest rate is over 18% dispute it on the grounds of state usury laws (most states don’t allow companies to charge more than 18% for consumer loans). It doesn’t matter if the dispute has merit, as long as the bill is in dispute it cannot be sent to a Collection Agency until they respond to that dispute. If they do you can sue them.
Eventually, an unpaid bill will go to a Collection Agency, I will detail in my next post how to deal with them.
In this post I will detail what you should do if you are unable to pay your bills in full and lay the groundwork for dealing with your credit card companies and ways to keep the debt from going to a Collection Agency. Or to have more weapons at your disposal should a debt eventually go to a collection agency.
In my next post I will deal with what to do ff a collection agency contacts you over a debt. Remember knowledge is power; there are ways to deal with collection agencies, especially ones that take hardball tactics to far.
Step 1:
Make a budget; find out exactly how much you can spend on what.
If you don’t know what you can spend you can’t make proper decisions.
Step 2:
Prioritize your bills.
First: Make sure you have food, rent or mortgage, electricity, heat and a way to get to work. If you rely on a car to go to work (99% of people) make sure you have money to pay for insurance, gas and maintenance and payments (if you have any).
Second: a primary Phone, Internet, and basic TV service (cable, satellite). The TV and Internet may seem like luxuries but they are about the cheapest forms of entertainment available if you par it down to the most basic package.
Third: 5% of your income to set aside for emergencies. If you don’t have this minor unexpected expenses can spiral out of control.
Finally: Credit Cards and unsecured loans. Figure out how much you can pay on these and don’t take money from the other bills to pay them.
Once you’ve figured out how much you can pay on the credit cards you are in a position to start dealing with your creditors.
Step 3: Negotiate with your creditors.
Once you know how much you can pay, you can call your creditors and work out a payment plan. If the credit card company refuses to negotiate and wants more than you have budgeted, it’s their loss. If you made a good faith effort to handle your bill and they refuse to accept payments you can live with then they deserve to lose the money they loaned you. Don’t ever agree to pay more than what you have budgeted. This is just throwing money away as you will not be able to continue to make those payments in the future.
If a credit card company doesn’t except your good faith offer to make payment arrangements, spread the money in your budget around to those who will.
One thing to avoid when dealing with creditors is automatic withdrawals from your checking account, this is a deal breaker. If you are having trouble paying your bills, there is no way you can keep an adequate safety cushion of funds to avoid overdrafts. Between the creditor and your bank it is impossible to tell when the bill will hit, and if your luck is like mine, it will hit on the day that your balance goes $0.02 below what the bill is for. The overdraft fees will kill your ability to continue paying your bills.
Step 4: The Collection Calls.
The companies that refused to negotiate with you will start to call you. The way to deal with them is to restate how much you have budgeted to pay that bill. If they refuse to take it there is no use talking to them. No matter what stick to your guns and don’t promise to pay more than you have budgeted, it will end up costing you more in the long run.
The easiest way to deal with these calls is simply state: “I can only afford $X.XX amount a month, can you do that?”
If they say no, the response is: “Then there is no point speaking further, Goodbye.”
A good collection agent will politely determine if you are serious and give you a name and number to call if things get better for you. The bad collectors will try and get you to commit to something you can’t afford.
The main tactic they will use is to act like a jerk and bring you down to their level, then win through experience.
If you are confident that you can be a bigger jerk than they are (remember they spend at least 8 hours a day practicing) go ahead and get into a contest with them, just remember whether you engage them or not, after they turn down your offer to pay the rest of the call is pointless.
Step 5: Stopping the bill from going to a Collection Agency.
After negotiations fail and a bill goes unpaid for 4 months it will be turned over to a collection agency. If you’re financial situation is temporary and you need to stall for time, or you just want to give the company a hard time collecting look on the back of your bill to billing rights summary. It will have an address to send disputes. Write them a letter disputing something, anything. Ask them how the late fee was determined, if the interest rate is over 18% dispute it on the grounds of state usury laws (most states don’t allow companies to charge more than 18% for consumer loans). It doesn’t matter if the dispute has merit, as long as the bill is in dispute it cannot be sent to a Collection Agency until they respond to that dispute. If they do you can sue them.
Eventually, an unpaid bill will go to a Collection Agency, I will detail in my next post how to deal with them.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Bush’s Greatest Achievement.
According to the CDC Roughly 198 million Americans are considered overweight. This number has stayed relatively the same for the last decade.
Now these numbers are controversial, but anyone who ventures outside their house from time to time can see that a lot of people could stand to lose a few pounds.
There has been a lot of talk on how to get Americans to lose weight but only President Bush with help of several years of the rubberstamp Republican congress had the guts to do anything about it.
By creating an economic climate that any Keynesian Economist could see would lead a serious crash, Bush has made a climate that will foster a significant drop in the number of overweight Americans.
Thanks to Bush’s economic policy, 31.5 million Americans are now on food stamps. Being on Food stamps is a great way to diet, when your monthly budget for food is the same as what most people spend on food in a week it is really hard to spend money on food items that contain fats and sugars, and junk food is almost out of the question.
Another great way being on food stamps helps people lose weight is it becomes hard to afford citrus products. Citrus fruits, Oranges, Grapefruit, Lemons, and Limes are the main sources of vitamin C for most people. By cutting back on vitamin C people have an increased risk of Scurvy. An early symptom of Scurvy is Gingival Hypertrophy, which is the swelling of the gums between the teeth. This leads to bleeding of the gums making an excellent environment for bacteria to grow. The growth of bacteria in the mouth tastes nasty, leading people to eat less, and have a less sophisticated palette. So they will eat almost anything, but not in large quantities.
With so many new people going on to food stamps we can expect the number of overweight Americans to start dropping dramatically.
I hope historians will look back and honor Bush’s legacy as the one President who did the most to significantly lower the number of overweight people in America.
Now these numbers are controversial, but anyone who ventures outside their house from time to time can see that a lot of people could stand to lose a few pounds.
There has been a lot of talk on how to get Americans to lose weight but only President Bush with help of several years of the rubberstamp Republican congress had the guts to do anything about it.
By creating an economic climate that any Keynesian Economist could see would lead a serious crash, Bush has made a climate that will foster a significant drop in the number of overweight Americans.
Thanks to Bush’s economic policy, 31.5 million Americans are now on food stamps. Being on Food stamps is a great way to diet, when your monthly budget for food is the same as what most people spend on food in a week it is really hard to spend money on food items that contain fats and sugars, and junk food is almost out of the question.
Another great way being on food stamps helps people lose weight is it becomes hard to afford citrus products. Citrus fruits, Oranges, Grapefruit, Lemons, and Limes are the main sources of vitamin C for most people. By cutting back on vitamin C people have an increased risk of Scurvy. An early symptom of Scurvy is Gingival Hypertrophy, which is the swelling of the gums between the teeth. This leads to bleeding of the gums making an excellent environment for bacteria to grow. The growth of bacteria in the mouth tastes nasty, leading people to eat less, and have a less sophisticated palette. So they will eat almost anything, but not in large quantities.
With so many new people going on to food stamps we can expect the number of overweight Americans to start dropping dramatically.
I hope historians will look back and honor Bush’s legacy as the one President who did the most to significantly lower the number of overweight people in America.
Monday, January 5, 2009
6 Things Smokers and Non-Smokers can agree on.
When I wrote my post “To Smoke or Not to Smoke” I was expecting legions of smoke Nazi’s to attack me with hate filled comments. Instead I got thisguy7 leaving a respectful comment saying second hand smoke bothers him more losing body parts. (I hope I didn’t interpret that wrong.)
Having my irrational ranting countered by a thoughtful, respectful comment from a writer I respect just will not do. So I will fight back with a thought out researched post on the common ground both smokers and non-smokers share. That will teach you for being rational.
The research for this piece was originally done in the hour of clarity I had when I broke down and smoked a cigarette in the week I was trying to quit, followed up now in the time it takes to smoke a cigar. This makes it the most heavily researched post on the topic smoking that is available on the internet.
1) Those geeks on TV that blame the big tobacco companies for everything, don’t do squat to stop people from smoking.
Truth, the organization that do those ads, get $300 million dollars a year from the federal government to make and run anti-smoking ads. In order to keep receiving funding they have to get people to make anti-smoking an issue, so their ads target the extreme anti-smoking people by manipulating the truth or downright lying.
It’s the Hitler management style. “Rally the People, Give them something to do, and give them someone to blame.”
When a marketing campaign’s goal is to get people to support the marketing campaign, it should really look at what it’s trying to do.
In one of their latest ads they even accuse the tobacco companies of making flavored cigarettes as a way to market to kids, I’ll get to the real reason they are making flavored cigarettes later.
2) Tobacco is Addictive.
I don’t mean that in the DEA sense of, We told everyone Heroin is addictive and people stopped using Heroin and started using Crack. To get people to stop using Crack lets tell them it’s 5 times as addictive as Heroin. People stopped using Crack and started using Crystal Meth, lets tell them it’s 5 times as addictive as Crack. People stopped using Crystal Meth and started using Heroin, let’s tell them it’s 5 times as addictive as Crystal Meth.
I mean it as in when a smoker stops smoking, the brain rebels. It’s not a pretty sight when an articulate, intelligent man is reduced to a quivering, sobbing, emotional mess because he is having trouble getting his socks off or because he misses the Hair bands.
Instead of treating addictions for what they are, a biological reaction within the body that cause adverse effects during withdrawal. As a society we think of addiction as something to blame the addict for. We justify it by trivializing addictions by calling everything an addiction. For fluff pieces TV news loves to run reports on Shopping Addictions or Internet Addictions. Those aren’t addictions, addictions are when you punch yourself in the leg hard enough to leave a bruise in the vein hope that the pain will take away the throbbing, random, scrambled, thoughts that are going through your brain.
3) Keeping kids from smoking is a good idea.
If they don’t start, they don’t have to quit. But having spokespeople, that the Dungeons and Dragon Club would avoid because they don’t want to be associated with anyone that geeky, telling kids if they don’t smoke they can grow up to be just like them is not the way to do it.
Get firemen to tell them about burnt down houses, or Athletes (real ones not a 300 lbs guy who played on a community college team 20 years ago.) to tell them how smoking can stop you from pursuing their dreams. It’s a lot more effective use of the $300 million a year.
4) Some people don’t like second hand smoke.
It’s simple, anything that has been in someone’s body loses it’s appeal after it comes out. As Norm McDonald put it. “If I eat a Ham Sandwich, it could be the greatest ham sandwich on Earth, but when it comes out later, it’s Crap.”
Before the anti-smoking witch-hunt started and local governments started making bans in public places. Businesses took it on themselves to protect their bosses, I mean Customers. They had smoking and non-smoking sections, if people complained they increased the ventilation in the smoking areas. I know of one coffee house that opened two shops side by side one smoking one non-smoking. I am baffled as to how the government thinks the smoking café effected the non-smoking one.
5) Cigarette Smoke Stinks.
Even when I had gone 48 hours without a smoke and I broke down and lit one up to get a little bit of relief I thought about how nasty it smelt. The cigarette companies know that the smell of cigarettes stink and offend non-smokers. So they looked at the fact that non-smokers aren’t as offended by good cigars. The reason, they don’t smell as bad.
To make their customers fit into normal society Cigarette Companies started making flavored cigarettes. That way if a non-smoker had to walk by the smoking section, or work near a smoker who had just came back from a smoke and had the smell lingering on their clothes it wouldn’t be as offensive.
An effective solution to a real problem. Instead of commending the companies for taking responsible actions, the smoke nazi’s spent millions fighting it.
6) Cigarettes smoke is safer for the body than Bullets.
Chantix, the drug that is being advertised non-stop on TV as a way to stop smoking, acts by blocking the nicotine receptors in the brain. In some people it works to stop the withdrawal symptoms. In some it intensifies them. And in some cases it makes the symptoms permanent.
Side effects of Chantix include: potentially lethal heart rhythm disturbances, heart attacks, seizures, diabetes, and various psychiatric disturbances.
Those psychiatric disturbances include, reports of hostility or aggression, suicide, homicidal thoughts, paranoia, and hallucinations.
To read about some of the bizarre behavior that Chantix causes click here: http://www.seacoastonline.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20071011/LIFE/710110354/-1/LIFE.
The worst part about Chantix is it doesn’t work, Its success rate is 20% vs 18% of people using a placebo, that’s within the range of statistical error.
So you’ve got a company marketing a drug that can cause the user to be gunned down in the street or shoot themselves that hasn’t been shown to work.
I hope my little post here will be a step towards helping the two groups, smokers and non-smoker get along a little better.
Having my irrational ranting countered by a thoughtful, respectful comment from a writer I respect just will not do. So I will fight back with a thought out researched post on the common ground both smokers and non-smokers share. That will teach you for being rational.
The research for this piece was originally done in the hour of clarity I had when I broke down and smoked a cigarette in the week I was trying to quit, followed up now in the time it takes to smoke a cigar. This makes it the most heavily researched post on the topic smoking that is available on the internet.
1) Those geeks on TV that blame the big tobacco companies for everything, don’t do squat to stop people from smoking.
Truth, the organization that do those ads, get $300 million dollars a year from the federal government to make and run anti-smoking ads. In order to keep receiving funding they have to get people to make anti-smoking an issue, so their ads target the extreme anti-smoking people by manipulating the truth or downright lying.
It’s the Hitler management style. “Rally the People, Give them something to do, and give them someone to blame.”
When a marketing campaign’s goal is to get people to support the marketing campaign, it should really look at what it’s trying to do.
In one of their latest ads they even accuse the tobacco companies of making flavored cigarettes as a way to market to kids, I’ll get to the real reason they are making flavored cigarettes later.
2) Tobacco is Addictive.
I don’t mean that in the DEA sense of, We told everyone Heroin is addictive and people stopped using Heroin and started using Crack. To get people to stop using Crack lets tell them it’s 5 times as addictive as Heroin. People stopped using Crack and started using Crystal Meth, lets tell them it’s 5 times as addictive as Crack. People stopped using Crystal Meth and started using Heroin, let’s tell them it’s 5 times as addictive as Crystal Meth.
I mean it as in when a smoker stops smoking, the brain rebels. It’s not a pretty sight when an articulate, intelligent man is reduced to a quivering, sobbing, emotional mess because he is having trouble getting his socks off or because he misses the Hair bands.
Instead of treating addictions for what they are, a biological reaction within the body that cause adverse effects during withdrawal. As a society we think of addiction as something to blame the addict for. We justify it by trivializing addictions by calling everything an addiction. For fluff pieces TV news loves to run reports on Shopping Addictions or Internet Addictions. Those aren’t addictions, addictions are when you punch yourself in the leg hard enough to leave a bruise in the vein hope that the pain will take away the throbbing, random, scrambled, thoughts that are going through your brain.
3) Keeping kids from smoking is a good idea.
If they don’t start, they don’t have to quit. But having spokespeople, that the Dungeons and Dragon Club would avoid because they don’t want to be associated with anyone that geeky, telling kids if they don’t smoke they can grow up to be just like them is not the way to do it.
Get firemen to tell them about burnt down houses, or Athletes (real ones not a 300 lbs guy who played on a community college team 20 years ago.) to tell them how smoking can stop you from pursuing their dreams. It’s a lot more effective use of the $300 million a year.
4) Some people don’t like second hand smoke.
It’s simple, anything that has been in someone’s body loses it’s appeal after it comes out. As Norm McDonald put it. “If I eat a Ham Sandwich, it could be the greatest ham sandwich on Earth, but when it comes out later, it’s Crap.”
Before the anti-smoking witch-hunt started and local governments started making bans in public places. Businesses took it on themselves to protect their bosses, I mean Customers. They had smoking and non-smoking sections, if people complained they increased the ventilation in the smoking areas. I know of one coffee house that opened two shops side by side one smoking one non-smoking. I am baffled as to how the government thinks the smoking café effected the non-smoking one.
5) Cigarette Smoke Stinks.
Even when I had gone 48 hours without a smoke and I broke down and lit one up to get a little bit of relief I thought about how nasty it smelt. The cigarette companies know that the smell of cigarettes stink and offend non-smokers. So they looked at the fact that non-smokers aren’t as offended by good cigars. The reason, they don’t smell as bad.
To make their customers fit into normal society Cigarette Companies started making flavored cigarettes. That way if a non-smoker had to walk by the smoking section, or work near a smoker who had just came back from a smoke and had the smell lingering on their clothes it wouldn’t be as offensive.
An effective solution to a real problem. Instead of commending the companies for taking responsible actions, the smoke nazi’s spent millions fighting it.
6) Cigarettes smoke is safer for the body than Bullets.
Chantix, the drug that is being advertised non-stop on TV as a way to stop smoking, acts by blocking the nicotine receptors in the brain. In some people it works to stop the withdrawal symptoms. In some it intensifies them. And in some cases it makes the symptoms permanent.
Side effects of Chantix include: potentially lethal heart rhythm disturbances, heart attacks, seizures, diabetes, and various psychiatric disturbances.
Those psychiatric disturbances include, reports of hostility or aggression, suicide, homicidal thoughts, paranoia, and hallucinations.
To read about some of the bizarre behavior that Chantix causes click here: http://www.seacoastonline.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20071011/LIFE/710110354/-1/LIFE.
The worst part about Chantix is it doesn’t work, Its success rate is 20% vs 18% of people using a placebo, that’s within the range of statistical error.
So you’ve got a company marketing a drug that can cause the user to be gunned down in the street or shoot themselves that hasn’t been shown to work.
I hope my little post here will be a step towards helping the two groups, smokers and non-smoker get along a little better.
The Medical-Industrial Complex’s Conspiracy against Crank’s Herbal Placebo.
Even though America’s Foremost Placebo Expert, Dr Wee Todd Ted, Has shown that “Crank’s Herbal Placebo” will detoxify, purify, and revitalize your body, Restoring balance within it’s chemistry and electromagnetic energy by bring it in harmony with nature while stimulating and strengthening your immune system, support and rejuvenate various organs in your body; and stimulate your body's power to heal itself, The butchers and poisoners, within the Medical establishment are against “Crank’s Herbal Placebo” because it’s cures cut into the incomes that doctors make by keeping people sick.
“Crank’s Herbal Placebo” can prevent or cure many different ailments, particularly emotional ones. As Dr Wee Todd Ted has proved with evidence based on inadequate investigations, anecdotes, and testimonials.
“Crank’s Herbal Placebo” is a proven weight loss pill that when combined with any diet plan that reduces calorie intake by 250 calories per day and an exercise plan that burns at least 250 calories per day, has been shown to reduce body fat by up to 50 pounds within 18 months.
“Crank’s Herbal Placebo” fills the special needs of individuals whose bodies are robbed of vitamins from stress. “Crank’s Herbal Placebo” when combined with proper eating habits make sure that the body has enough vitamins to replace those that have been taken by stress.
“Crank’s Herbal Placebo” turns the toxins used as additives to foods, into substances that that can pose no threat to human health by working with your natural body chemistry to break down these toxins before they can enter your blood stream.
“Crank’s Herbal Placebo” can restore the minerals that are destroyed by the cooking process.
“Crank’s Herbal Placebo” offers optimal nutritional support, when combined with a balanced diet, and tastes great.
“Crank’s Herbal Placebo” Promise Quick, Dramatic, and Holistically Miraculous Results.
“Crank’s Herbal Placebo” is a combination of Crank’s panacea and Crank’s Beauty Neuve Treatment that combine to be effective against a wide range of unrelated diseases, while giving you a treatment that will relax the mind and leave the complexion radiant.
“Crank’s Herbal Placebo” may relieve not only anxiety but also pain, nausea, vomiting, palpitations, shortness of breath, and other symptoms. Temporary relief has been demonstrated, in arthritis, hay fever, headache, cough, high blood pressure, premenstrual tension, peptic ulcer, and even cancer.
Legal Disclaimer.
Dr Wee Todd Ted received his doctorate from “Fishy and Shady University” located on Dr Wee Todd Ted’s property with a beautiful Quad formed by Dr Wee Todd Ted’s House, Garage, Garden shed and Tool Shed. Dr Wee Todd Ted graduated the top of his class of one. Fishy and Shady University is not accredited by the U.S. Secretary of Education or the Council on Higher Education Accreditation, the IRS has not granted it tax free status, the Yellow Pages refuses to list it under Schools and Universities, and Dr Wee Todd Ted has been unsuccessful in getting Ivy to grow on any of the “Universities” buildings.
“Crank’s Herbal Placebo” may cause uneven tire wear, lower gas mileage, dry mouth, Bigfoot, higher homeowner insurance rates, sudden attraction of sick cats, mild forms of leprosy, bald spots on your lawn, inability to grow Ivy, Spontaneous laughter from friends and family when they learn you are using it, a belief that the left is persecuting Christians, Hobbititus, interest in watching lesbian porn, increased lesbian libido, El Chupacabra, and in rare cases spontaneous orgasms.
“Crank’s Herbal Placebo” can prevent or cure many different ailments, particularly emotional ones. As Dr Wee Todd Ted has proved with evidence based on inadequate investigations, anecdotes, and testimonials.
“Crank’s Herbal Placebo” is a proven weight loss pill that when combined with any diet plan that reduces calorie intake by 250 calories per day and an exercise plan that burns at least 250 calories per day, has been shown to reduce body fat by up to 50 pounds within 18 months.
“Crank’s Herbal Placebo” fills the special needs of individuals whose bodies are robbed of vitamins from stress. “Crank’s Herbal Placebo” when combined with proper eating habits make sure that the body has enough vitamins to replace those that have been taken by stress.
“Crank’s Herbal Placebo” turns the toxins used as additives to foods, into substances that that can pose no threat to human health by working with your natural body chemistry to break down these toxins before they can enter your blood stream.
“Crank’s Herbal Placebo” can restore the minerals that are destroyed by the cooking process.
“Crank’s Herbal Placebo” offers optimal nutritional support, when combined with a balanced diet, and tastes great.
“Crank’s Herbal Placebo” Promise Quick, Dramatic, and Holistically Miraculous Results.
“Crank’s Herbal Placebo” is a combination of Crank’s panacea and Crank’s Beauty Neuve Treatment that combine to be effective against a wide range of unrelated diseases, while giving you a treatment that will relax the mind and leave the complexion radiant.
“Crank’s Herbal Placebo” may relieve not only anxiety but also pain, nausea, vomiting, palpitations, shortness of breath, and other symptoms. Temporary relief has been demonstrated, in arthritis, hay fever, headache, cough, high blood pressure, premenstrual tension, peptic ulcer, and even cancer.
Legal Disclaimer.
Dr Wee Todd Ted received his doctorate from “Fishy and Shady University” located on Dr Wee Todd Ted’s property with a beautiful Quad formed by Dr Wee Todd Ted’s House, Garage, Garden shed and Tool Shed. Dr Wee Todd Ted graduated the top of his class of one. Fishy and Shady University is not accredited by the U.S. Secretary of Education or the Council on Higher Education Accreditation, the IRS has not granted it tax free status, the Yellow Pages refuses to list it under Schools and Universities, and Dr Wee Todd Ted has been unsuccessful in getting Ivy to grow on any of the “Universities” buildings.
“Crank’s Herbal Placebo” may cause uneven tire wear, lower gas mileage, dry mouth, Bigfoot, higher homeowner insurance rates, sudden attraction of sick cats, mild forms of leprosy, bald spots on your lawn, inability to grow Ivy, Spontaneous laughter from friends and family when they learn you are using it, a belief that the left is persecuting Christians, Hobbititus, interest in watching lesbian porn, increased lesbian libido, El Chupacabra, and in rare cases spontaneous orgasms.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
The Superhero chicks I would never date.
They may be Super, but they’d be lousy lovers.
I watched Fantastic Four 2 the other day, and for some reason every time I see a Jessica Alba film I start thinking about chicks I wouldn’t want to sleep with.
So that made me think up this list.
Invisible Girl
Reasons a guy would want to: Ability to create forcefields so no need for condoms, inability to act makes it impossible for her to fake orgasms.
Competition: Mr Fantastic. He has the ability to change his penis and tongue into any shape he desires, that is why the ladies named him Mr Fantastic.
Reasons not to date her: I can imagine getting her into bed and having her say, “Let’s try something wild” she turns invisible and gets on top. This seems cool cause I don’t have to look at her emotionless face (In the opening of FF2, I thought she was a mannequin). I finish up just to walk out into the living room to find her watching TV, and she’s such a shitty actress she can’t even pretend she was with me.
Batgirl.
Reasons a guy would want to: Her love of toys would make for a fun time, has her own scooter so she wouldn’t need a ride home.
Competition: None. Unless you count Robin, the lamest Superhero ever.
Reasons not to date her: You would never know if she skipped out on a date. She would always have the same excuse, “Oh, Sorry. I was kidnapped.” That excuse would get old fast as you respond. “That’s the 3rd time this week, and it’s only Tuesday.”
Supergirl
Reasons a guy would want to: Super speed, think of what she could do with that tongue. Invincibility, she wouldn’t get sore and have to stop after only 5 or 6 hours. Super cooling breath, she could always get you a frosty cold beer.
Competition: Comet the wonder horse. He’s a super powered horse that turns human 3 days a month to confess his love for her. So he could kick my ass in a fight, but in the bedroom most chicks prefer a human.
Reasons not to date her: Her Superhuman strength extends to her Who-ha region. If she gets too excited during sex those muscles would contract squeezing like a super vice, turning into a male organ grinder.
Even oral would be fraught with danger, imagine if she is a squirter. Her vaginal fluid would come out near the speed of light knocking the giver across the room. Only another superpowered person could go down on her, like Wonder Woman.
Wonder Woman.
Reasons a guy would want to: Faster than ordinary human so the tongue thing would be the same as Supergirl, nearly Invincible so she could stand the friction of long lovemaking. Her strength is several times the average woman so her pleasure muscles would be at best fantastic, at worst mildly uncomfortable. The woman in her name suggests she has had experience with the ladies of Amazon Island. Plus she has her own jet.
Competition: Terry Long, pedophile. He dated Wonder Woman when she was a girl on Amazon Island but spent his time hitting on her younger friends.
Reasons not to date her: She seems perfect, just super enough to be a great lover but not so powerful to cause unintentional harm. The catch is she has a golden lasso that forces someone to tell the truth. Imagine walking into the bedroom and accidentally stepping in to her lasso as she asks, “Does this new outfit make me look fat?”
Mystique
Reasons a guy would want to: She has the ability to look like anyone in the world. You could have any girl you wanted without being unfaithful.
Competition: None.
Reasons not to date her: Her job requires her to assume the shape of men and women in different positions.
Imagine this scenario: You are enjoying the afterglow of a great lovemaking session were she was all of this year’s Playmates of the month. She has to get ready for her latest assignment and turns into Richard Simmons. No man, no matter how confident in their sexuality could stand that.
I watched Fantastic Four 2 the other day, and for some reason every time I see a Jessica Alba film I start thinking about chicks I wouldn’t want to sleep with.
So that made me think up this list.
Invisible Girl
Reasons a guy would want to: Ability to create forcefields so no need for condoms, inability to act makes it impossible for her to fake orgasms.
Competition: Mr Fantastic. He has the ability to change his penis and tongue into any shape he desires, that is why the ladies named him Mr Fantastic.
Reasons not to date her: I can imagine getting her into bed and having her say, “Let’s try something wild” she turns invisible and gets on top. This seems cool cause I don’t have to look at her emotionless face (In the opening of FF2, I thought she was a mannequin). I finish up just to walk out into the living room to find her watching TV, and she’s such a shitty actress she can’t even pretend she was with me.
Batgirl.
Reasons a guy would want to: Her love of toys would make for a fun time, has her own scooter so she wouldn’t need a ride home.
Competition: None. Unless you count Robin, the lamest Superhero ever.
Reasons not to date her: You would never know if she skipped out on a date. She would always have the same excuse, “Oh, Sorry. I was kidnapped.” That excuse would get old fast as you respond. “That’s the 3rd time this week, and it’s only Tuesday.”
Supergirl
Reasons a guy would want to: Super speed, think of what she could do with that tongue. Invincibility, she wouldn’t get sore and have to stop after only 5 or 6 hours. Super cooling breath, she could always get you a frosty cold beer.
Competition: Comet the wonder horse. He’s a super powered horse that turns human 3 days a month to confess his love for her. So he could kick my ass in a fight, but in the bedroom most chicks prefer a human.
Reasons not to date her: Her Superhuman strength extends to her Who-ha region. If she gets too excited during sex those muscles would contract squeezing like a super vice, turning into a male organ grinder.
Even oral would be fraught with danger, imagine if she is a squirter. Her vaginal fluid would come out near the speed of light knocking the giver across the room. Only another superpowered person could go down on her, like Wonder Woman.
Wonder Woman.
Reasons a guy would want to: Faster than ordinary human so the tongue thing would be the same as Supergirl, nearly Invincible so she could stand the friction of long lovemaking. Her strength is several times the average woman so her pleasure muscles would be at best fantastic, at worst mildly uncomfortable. The woman in her name suggests she has had experience with the ladies of Amazon Island. Plus she has her own jet.
Competition: Terry Long, pedophile. He dated Wonder Woman when she was a girl on Amazon Island but spent his time hitting on her younger friends.
Reasons not to date her: She seems perfect, just super enough to be a great lover but not so powerful to cause unintentional harm. The catch is she has a golden lasso that forces someone to tell the truth. Imagine walking into the bedroom and accidentally stepping in to her lasso as she asks, “Does this new outfit make me look fat?”
Mystique
Reasons a guy would want to: She has the ability to look like anyone in the world. You could have any girl you wanted without being unfaithful.
Competition: None.
Reasons not to date her: Her job requires her to assume the shape of men and women in different positions.
Imagine this scenario: You are enjoying the afterglow of a great lovemaking session were she was all of this year’s Playmates of the month. She has to get ready for her latest assignment and turns into Richard Simmons. No man, no matter how confident in their sexuality could stand that.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
A Strange Phone Call
This is the transcript of a strange phone call I received this morning, I’ve change my name to make me feel comfortable, but the rest of the transcript is real.
Caller: May I speak to Project Savior.
PS: Speaking.
Caller: Hi, My name is Julie and I am calling from National City about your Visa.
PS: Hi Julie, I’m not planning on traveling out of the country.
Caller: What are you talking about?
PS: Since I am not going to travel out of the country, why would I need a Visa?
(Silence)
Caller: Are you done speaking?
PS: I was waiting for you to answer my question.
Caller: What are you talking about? I’m calling about you Visa Credit Card.
PS: I’m sorry, I thought you were calling about my travel documents.
Caller: What are you talking about? Are you an Adult?
PS: I’ve got Pubes.
Caller: Are you sure?
PS (Zipper sound): Yep. How ‘bout you?
Caller: How ‘bout me what? I was calling about the fact that you are four months behind on your credit card.
(Silence)
Caller: Are you done speaking?
PS: I was waiting for you to ask a question.
Caller: Is there someone in your house that can explain to you what I am saying?
PS: Just my cat.
Caller: What are you talking about? Are you an Adult?
PS: Well I’m not gonna send you a picture, unless you send one first.
Caller: What are you talking about? If we can’t resolve this we may have to start legal action.
PS: So you admit to taking illegal action?
Caller: What are you talking about?
PS: You said, you “may have to start legal action”. That implies all the action you’ve taken so far is illegal action.
Caller: We haven’t taken any action.
PS: So this account has been inactive?
Caller: What are you talking about? Do you think this is a joke?
PS: I’m just trying to understand what you’re talking about.
(Silence)
Caller: Are you done talking?
PS: I was waiting for you to explain what you’re talking about.
Caller: You know what I’m talking about.
(Silence)
Caller: Are you done talking?
PS: I was waiting for you to ask a question.
Caller: I’m hanging up now, Bye!
PS: OK, bye… does this mean you’re not going to send an adult picture? Hello? Hello?
I wonder what she wanted?
Do you think I should call her?
Her name is Julie and her number is 1-800-544-3623 ext: 34651
Caller: May I speak to Project Savior.
PS: Speaking.
Caller: Hi, My name is Julie and I am calling from National City about your Visa.
PS: Hi Julie, I’m not planning on traveling out of the country.
Caller: What are you talking about?
PS: Since I am not going to travel out of the country, why would I need a Visa?
(Silence)
Caller: Are you done speaking?
PS: I was waiting for you to answer my question.
Caller: What are you talking about? I’m calling about you Visa Credit Card.
PS: I’m sorry, I thought you were calling about my travel documents.
Caller: What are you talking about? Are you an Adult?
PS: I’ve got Pubes.
Caller: Are you sure?
PS (Zipper sound): Yep. How ‘bout you?
Caller: How ‘bout me what? I was calling about the fact that you are four months behind on your credit card.
(Silence)
Caller: Are you done speaking?
PS: I was waiting for you to ask a question.
Caller: Is there someone in your house that can explain to you what I am saying?
PS: Just my cat.
Caller: What are you talking about? Are you an Adult?
PS: Well I’m not gonna send you a picture, unless you send one first.
Caller: What are you talking about? If we can’t resolve this we may have to start legal action.
PS: So you admit to taking illegal action?
Caller: What are you talking about?
PS: You said, you “may have to start legal action”. That implies all the action you’ve taken so far is illegal action.
Caller: We haven’t taken any action.
PS: So this account has been inactive?
Caller: What are you talking about? Do you think this is a joke?
PS: I’m just trying to understand what you’re talking about.
(Silence)
Caller: Are you done talking?
PS: I was waiting for you to explain what you’re talking about.
Caller: You know what I’m talking about.
(Silence)
Caller: Are you done talking?
PS: I was waiting for you to ask a question.
Caller: I’m hanging up now, Bye!
PS: OK, bye… does this mean you’re not going to send an adult picture? Hello? Hello?
I wonder what she wanted?
Do you think I should call her?
Her name is Julie and her number is 1-800-544-3623 ext: 34651
Friday, January 2, 2009
Weird Ideas I’ve had for Websites
Which people later took the same premise and made mega-bucks.
EStalker.com-
There are millions of stalkers in the world, unfortunately stalking is a lot of hard work. Following a girl around, breaking into her room to read her diary, searching to find embarrassing photos of her, you get the picture.
I had thought it would really be great if someone was to set up a website that showed what the girl was doing that day, put her diary online, and had embarrassing photos of her posted.
Looking around I found out that Facebook has already cornered that market and took it one step further by having the girls do all the work. So now stalkers everywhere can stalk their victims from the privacy of their own homes.
ELoser.com
Some poor people don’t have anyone to mercilessly criticize them and nag at them. These poor people only have supportive friends that are fun to be around.
I thought it would be great if someone came up with a website that made pseudo-scientific claims and had a test that showed people how few people would “actually” like them. This would disprove their idea that they were a good person just because they had lots of friends that enjoyed seeing them.
To make this site really call people losers, I figured it would need the following things.
It would need a quiz that took hours to complete.
It would have to reject people if they weren’t part of the 20% that the site considered “normal”.
It would have to deduct for originality.
It would need a creepy old guy that looks like a pedophile to be its spokesperson.
Looking around I found out that eharmony.com already fills that market.
RealityIsALie.com
A lot of people don’t like the Liberal Bias of Reality and would rather be told a complete fairytale than open their eyes and look at Reality.
I thought it would be great if a website claimed to be the news and just told outright lies, propaganda, weird conspiracy theories, and tried the scare the shit out of everyone by talking about imaginary enemies.
Looking around I found out that Fox News took that idea and ran with it (more like hopped in a supersonic jet with it). Not only did they make a website on that premise, but a network news show, a cable news network and a publishing arm.
WeirdSickBastards.com
There are a lot of sick people out there, I mean that in best possible sense of the word, who have strange perversions but don’t want to hurt anyone.
There are also a lot of con artists out there, and I mean that in the worst possible sense of the word. These are people who look at other people who have strange fetishes, are unemployed, or need to get a hold of a rare item, as potential victims.
I thought it would be great if their was a site were these two groups could get together and place ads.
Looking around I found Criagslist already does this.
Smiles.com
I thought is would be great if there was a place on the web where people could find things that were so cute and adorable that it could even start to melt Dick Cheney’s heart.
Looking around I found Icanhascheezeburger.com
EStalker.com-
There are millions of stalkers in the world, unfortunately stalking is a lot of hard work. Following a girl around, breaking into her room to read her diary, searching to find embarrassing photos of her, you get the picture.
I had thought it would really be great if someone was to set up a website that showed what the girl was doing that day, put her diary online, and had embarrassing photos of her posted.
Looking around I found out that Facebook has already cornered that market and took it one step further by having the girls do all the work. So now stalkers everywhere can stalk their victims from the privacy of their own homes.
ELoser.com
Some poor people don’t have anyone to mercilessly criticize them and nag at them. These poor people only have supportive friends that are fun to be around.
I thought it would be great if someone came up with a website that made pseudo-scientific claims and had a test that showed people how few people would “actually” like them. This would disprove their idea that they were a good person just because they had lots of friends that enjoyed seeing them.
To make this site really call people losers, I figured it would need the following things.
It would need a quiz that took hours to complete.
It would have to reject people if they weren’t part of the 20% that the site considered “normal”.
It would have to deduct for originality.
It would need a creepy old guy that looks like a pedophile to be its spokesperson.
Looking around I found out that eharmony.com already fills that market.
RealityIsALie.com
A lot of people don’t like the Liberal Bias of Reality and would rather be told a complete fairytale than open their eyes and look at Reality.
I thought it would be great if a website claimed to be the news and just told outright lies, propaganda, weird conspiracy theories, and tried the scare the shit out of everyone by talking about imaginary enemies.
Looking around I found out that Fox News took that idea and ran with it (more like hopped in a supersonic jet with it). Not only did they make a website on that premise, but a network news show, a cable news network and a publishing arm.
WeirdSickBastards.com
There are a lot of sick people out there, I mean that in best possible sense of the word, who have strange perversions but don’t want to hurt anyone.
There are also a lot of con artists out there, and I mean that in the worst possible sense of the word. These are people who look at other people who have strange fetishes, are unemployed, or need to get a hold of a rare item, as potential victims.
I thought it would be great if their was a site were these two groups could get together and place ads.
Looking around I found Criagslist already does this.
Smiles.com
I thought is would be great if there was a place on the web where people could find things that were so cute and adorable that it could even start to melt Dick Cheney’s heart.
Looking around I found Icanhascheezeburger.com
Wereroach (A movie Review)
A garbage collector played by Dirk Squarejaw, is bitten by a wereroach while working the graveyard shift, under the full moon.
One month later he is having sex with his girl friend (Ima E.Z. Fucgue) and starts to change.
Even the monotone pleadings from Ima of, “Oh, stop.” And “Don’t, I’m serious, if you turn into a roach I’m leaving you.” Can’t stop the transformation.
For the next week he continues to change into a roach at night and live as a human during the day. Until Orkin Van Hellsing appears and kills him with a silver roach hotel.
Ima falls into Orkin’s arms and declares, “I loved him with all my heart, but ick, I mean really, ick” then adds, “I’m sure you know how to use your power nozzle.”
The movie fades out with images of Orkin’s power nozzle sliding into crack in the wall moving in and out until it blows it’s bug goo. (At least that’s what I think that was.)
Opinion:
Oddly enough the Roaches out acted the humans in this fine piece of cinema. The production number of the roaches tap dancing in front of the full moon was fantastic.
One month later he is having sex with his girl friend (Ima E.Z. Fucgue) and starts to change.
Even the monotone pleadings from Ima of, “Oh, stop.” And “Don’t, I’m serious, if you turn into a roach I’m leaving you.” Can’t stop the transformation.
For the next week he continues to change into a roach at night and live as a human during the day. Until Orkin Van Hellsing appears and kills him with a silver roach hotel.
Ima falls into Orkin’s arms and declares, “I loved him with all my heart, but ick, I mean really, ick” then adds, “I’m sure you know how to use your power nozzle.”
The movie fades out with images of Orkin’s power nozzle sliding into crack in the wall moving in and out until it blows it’s bug goo. (At least that’s what I think that was.)
Opinion:
Oddly enough the Roaches out acted the humans in this fine piece of cinema. The production number of the roaches tap dancing in front of the full moon was fantastic.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Welcome to Project Savior Reborn.
To those of you that have been following me around the Internet for the past 11 years, I must say thank you and that you are now scaring me.
For my more recent fans I’d like to fill you in on the non-phenomena of the origins of Project: Savior.
Way back in 1998 I started my first website Project: S.a.v.i.o.r. Savior stands for Sex And Violence Is Our Right. My goal was to review B Movies that featured gratuitous nudity and senseless violence for nudity and violence’s own sake.
I had dreams of becoming a voice in the fight against the forces of censorship. Unfortunately, The forces of censorship won. I was banned from several free hosting services. I believe it either a vast conspiracy against me, or my early web designs were truly awful. Here are a couple examples that are still around.
http://members.fortunecity.com/savior3/index4.html
http://www.fortunecity.com/lavender/connery/687/savior.htm
http://www.fortunecity.com/lavender/connery/687/whatyou.htm
Another theory is that in the 90’s free hosting servers were extremely unreliable and tended to kick people of randomly.
In 2002 I started it back up on Topcities It ran there until 2006 when I suddenly was not allowed to log in. Which bummed me out since I was really starting to get some traffic.
I gave up on resurrecting the movie review site and started writing on thisisby.us. And I submitted nearly 70 articles over the course of a year. Then they decided to close.
I’m still posting on the new site TIBU2 and I will be sure to keep everyone updated on what articles I post on sites across the web.
With Project Savior reborn I intend to keep a good mix of old stuff from all these sites and some new stuff as well. Please bear with me as establish a voice on this new blog.
Thanks
Project Savior.
For my more recent fans I’d like to fill you in on the non-phenomena of the origins of Project: Savior.
Way back in 1998 I started my first website Project: S.a.v.i.o.r. Savior stands for Sex And Violence Is Our Right. My goal was to review B Movies that featured gratuitous nudity and senseless violence for nudity and violence’s own sake.
I had dreams of becoming a voice in the fight against the forces of censorship. Unfortunately, The forces of censorship won. I was banned from several free hosting services. I believe it either a vast conspiracy against me, or my early web designs were truly awful. Here are a couple examples that are still around.
http://members.fortunecity.com/savior3/index4.html
http://www.fortunecity.com/lavender/connery/687/savior.htm
http://www.fortunecity.com/lavender/connery/687/whatyou.htm
Another theory is that in the 90’s free hosting servers were extremely unreliable and tended to kick people of randomly.
In 2002 I started it back up on Topcities It ran there until 2006 when I suddenly was not allowed to log in. Which bummed me out since I was really starting to get some traffic.
I gave up on resurrecting the movie review site and started writing on thisisby.us. And I submitted nearly 70 articles over the course of a year. Then they decided to close.
I’m still posting on the new site TIBU2 and I will be sure to keep everyone updated on what articles I post on sites across the web.
With Project Savior reborn I intend to keep a good mix of old stuff from all these sites and some new stuff as well. Please bear with me as establish a voice on this new blog.
Thanks
Project Savior.
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